Ftm - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

ICC · 01-30-2007, 09:55 AM

Hello my friend---I know you are hurting and alot has gone on here but as you did me I will leave you a "thinking of you" message everyday until you feel like posting. Nothing major, just a "hello, i'm ok" or "hello, I need your help" . always on my mind.

ICY

Phoenix · 01-30-2007, 10:58 AM

Dear ICY,

For some reason, I now feel "out of the loop."

I asked Nikki to get in contact with her inner child and went deeper. It appears that I feel responsible for the beginning of this "whirlwind."

A vast majority of those posting here would rather live in the "here and now" and I can respect that but I no longer know what I can bring to the table, in just the present.

The reason that I have arrived at this point is that I am a person who believes the past is the key to the present and both factors are the key to one's future.

I look at this board and it appears to me as a board of recouperation; the calm after the storm and I do not want to interfere with this; so I "view from afar."

Plain and simple, I can be a bit too cerebral at times and it is not in every person's benefit.

The message I left for Sid was real; I seriously felt worried and that is what I would have done for any individual here; it's unconditional.

I promised that I would not leave and I haven't.

You,Sannah,Sid,isitme,LiT,trg,zencat and every person that I have connected with, I truly appreciated your responses.

I am too sensitive, caring, protective and analytical. I have a kind-hearted nature.

The group is doing just fine without me and that is a good thing.

For now, I will prepare for my cervical surgery date (t/b/a) and the possibility that an additional lumbar fusion may be required.

Simply put, my words can be more harmful than helpful; for the sake of the group, I will be that number in the "view" column.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

Sannah · 01-30-2007, 11:08 AM

FTM, you started something wonderful with Nikki! She has just moved beyond denial and this is a huge, much needed step in her recovery. When you brought up the issue of Nikki's inner child the way you did that day, I thought, wow, how intuitive of FTM. He hit what Nikki needed right on the head. I actually was quite impressed because you really started something. It sounded as though it was painful for Nikki to move beyond her denial but if she is going to get better this is the first step. ICC is also doing much better and now she knows for the first time what SHE needs! Don't stop what you have been doing, okay, FTM?

ICC · 01-30-2007, 12:45 PM

FTM

there is not much I can add to sannah's answer because I agree whole heartedly with everything she has said. you are too much of a benefit to all of us. The group is not intact anymore and that's ok. Some are doing better, some have disappeared. Thinking as you do you understand why I had to step back a notch. Never wanted to hurt anyone and was to a point that i felt I could only help myself which I have done with the knowledge brought my way by all of you. I agree that past, present and future are all linked together for if they weren't we would not be us. I have also and still do at times feel out of the loop. no longer in a bad place and nothing to offer. There are new people coming along that your insight and kindness will be beneficial to. You helped Nikki to come out and your post about PTSD is what made me see the light. I got angry at "it" and that in itself helped me to move on. doesn't mean I'm there and no longer have repect for your input or care about you just that I am in a better place than I was months ago. Please don't ever feel you're not needed. Don't forget who kept me here in the first place. The parting of the ways in sad in a sense but I feel i understand you better than anyone here as most of my adult life if i didn't feel needed i didn't feel anything. I need me now. You need you. We still share. I am praying for your physical and mental recovery as always. keep me updted on surgery date. You feel as if you created a whirlwind???? what a wonderful man you are. We all needed to see and you guided us. that is not a bad thing and I think you're seeing it as such. Wish you wouldn't. Some of the names might change but the pain is the same no matter who it is coming from. Keep giving. You were born to.

Hugs,
ICY

hergy · 01-30-2007, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by forthemasses

I asked Nikki to get in contact with her inner child and went deeper. It appears that I feel responsible for the beginning of this "whirlwind."
...but I no longer know what I can bring to the table, in just the present.
...I look at this board and it appears to me as a board of recouperation; the calm after the storm and I do not want to interfere with this; so I "view from afar."
...The group is doing just fine without me and that is a good thing.
...Simply put, my words can be more harmful than helpful; for the sake of the group, I will be that number in the "view" column.

FTM,

Speaking for the one whose inner child recently started kicking, you didn't damage me. You can't. I see my 'memory movies' whether or not I communicate with you. Support and friendship are what I seek on this board. My therapist deals with her sense of responsibility with regard to my behavior and mental state. I'm officially under her care and that of my psychiatrist.

Be yourself - your loving, genuine, caring self.

A lot of us have a feeling that we're responsible for each other, and sometimes we scare our own selves away. I did. Thinking that I've said something that sent someone on a downward spiral is a load I can't bear.

Also, worry that I've lost a friend I never met distracts me from caring to discuss my own issues. How can I talk about nightmares when I think a good friend may be dead?

I had a breakdown in December 2005 and I've been struggling to get my head on straight since then. I didn't know any of you guys until the end of 2006. So no one here can claim responsibility for my problems. No matter what I do or say, I'm an adult. If I'm so fragile that a word will break me, then how can I expect to watch television, read a book, start working again, and otherwise expose myself to potentially painful sights and sounds. On this board, I expose feelings I rarely verbalize. But I'm tougher than it seems.

I fight. And, yes, several of us got caught in a whirl. But you didn't cause any of our traumas. We're all on the PTSD board because we're clinging together in a little lifeboat trying to leave a sinking, screwed up mass of trauma and pain.

I recently had an excruciating, but necessary realization. It happened 2 days after a therapy session. I sometimes teeter on the edge, but I've managed to hang on this long.

I mentioned once to ICC, what if the other shoe does drop? You can't 'drop' any shoes in my life. You don't know where I live and you don't even know what size I wear.

I love you, FTM. You are a complex man who hurts in more ways than one. Believe me, I understand that situation more than you know. You have a powerful presence on this board. I look forward to your posts.

And that table? When my friends gather 'round a table, we talk. No one's responsible for telling one to go to the restroom, get a cup of coffee or retire for the evening. Everybody makes his/her own choices. The memory of the lives mixing at the table is the moment I cherish.

I like when you're at the table.

Love and hugs and thanks for your wisdom,

Nikki