stick2013 - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

hergy · 02-03-2007, 10:17 AM

I have tried apologies, letters, phone calls, tears, more tears, more apologies, and now I have given her space of more than 3 years with no contact....I have validated that I was a S**** mother. I have suggested going into therapy with her....As I see it now, my daughter, and I are my biggest problem, and I have no way of fixing it.....I feel empty without her and my grandsons......I miss them everyday, and there isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think about them.

Sid,

I realize this was an issue you opened up to Sannah, but I love you. Forgive my intrusion.

I'm a 35-year-old daughter with issues over the mistakes of her mother. You are NOT a bad mother. Apologies alone ARE enough. I have yet to receive them from my mother. You've gone above and beyond. Mothers are people. ALL people make mistakes. So how can one person expect another to be perfect or to erase the past?

YOU have done and are doing all that you can. You have more than made up for whatever you felt you didn't do. You can't forget that she's your baby, that you counted her fingers and toes. And you can't detach yourself from the natural affection you feel for her offspring. But she's an adult now. The ball is actually in her court.

No one can take away your hurt. But blaming yourself is something you DON'T need to do. You don't deserve to punish yourself. You clearly love your daughter. THAT'S what's important.

You've skinned yourself and stand exposed to her. Every hurtful moment will be that much more excruciating.

Are you really addressing this in therapy? The most personal problems are the hardest to talk about, especially if you yourself only create one option as the solution in your head.

If my mom even mentioned a willingness to go to therapy, I'd be thrilled. But I can only control myself.

I can't erase my natural affection for my mother. So I stand exposed with every effort I make to form a healthy relationship with her. I'm an adult. We now have to deal with each other in the here and now. What's done is done. When she and I realize that for real, we will have a better relationship. I'm trying to accept the emotional limitations she still has. I will ALWAYS love her.

You've done SO MUCH MORE than my mom to get close to your daughter. She will ALWAYS love you.

You'll never get inside your daughter's head. The unknown can give a person an ulcer. Open up to your therapist. Get this stuff out. ICC told me a few days ago to 'let it go.' That slapped me hard. I didn't want to hear it because I don't want to release my hold on the issue she addressed. I haven't 'let go.' But when I do, I WON'T lose anything. It's just a thing that will happen in my head.

You can't lose your daughter and grandchildren. And there's still time for her to come around. I'm her age and I'm just now trying to iron out some issues with my mom. That project is NOWHERE near completion. Don't think she'll never be open to working things out.

In the meantime, love her, but remember that you don't deserve any more punishment.

I love you, Sid. You're a very special person. I so wish you lived next door.

Nikki

stick2013 · 02-03-2007, 10:42 AM

Dearest Nikki,

What I want to get clear is that I WAS a rotten mother when my daughter was growing up. I was in the throws of full blown PTSD. My behavior was as awful as it can get. I drank, did pot, slept with more men than I care to think about, screamed, yelled, ranted, punished over stupidity, hit her, tried to commit suicide several times with her at home, drank, drank, and then drank some more. I was an awful mother. Make no mistakes about that fact...... I accept my behavior as wrong and unacceptable. But I can't go back and change it. I can only go forward, and try to be a better person now....

I have changed......I am alone, and happy. No men in my life for the last 8 yrs. I think. I no longer want confusion, fighting yelling screaming or dysfunction in my life.

I KNOW that I have done all that I can ...... I don't blame myself, my daughter, or the man in the moon for the ways things are.......I just love them and miss them. I wish that things could be different, but they aren't....There is a void in my life, and heart that will remain until I die....

I also know that my daughter owes me an apology for the last things that she said to me 4 years ago. I know that i will NEVER get one. She does not accept responsibility for her behavior...... She never has. I can only hope that as she gets older, she will think back upon the things that she has done wrong in her life, and come to the same conclusion that I have.... Life is a learning journey. We make mistakes over and over again. Sometimes we get it right away, other times it takes repeated times before we get it. Some never do. We are human, we do and say things, that we wish that we hadn't... We are human.... We also do the best that we can with what we have. I tried, I failed, I picked myself up, and tried again. My daughter has problems caused by my behavior. I understand this, I accept this, and I take full responsibility for this...I hope that someday she too will come to this conclusion....

I love you too honey, and thank you so much for the kind, warm words.... You mean so much to me, and you have such a big heart....I am so grateful that I know you, and you are in my life. You make my life a little more tolerable, and sweet... For this I am so grateful...........You are the

in my life....

Thank you sweetie.

Hugs...................BIG SQUISHY ones

Sid

hergy · 02-03-2007, 11:44 AM

Sid,

I wish I could pull the tension out of your pain and fill the empty spot you've got inside.

I'm not blind. I read all your posts. But you, the person, the everyday Sid, is the same woman who is a mother and a grandmother, whether you're enjoying the bonds or not.

You make me feel very special. You nurture, care, love and kick butt when necessary. That's how I know that today's Sid is a good mom.

You had valid reasons for your behavior as a young mom. You can't do it over as the woman you are today, but like you said, we are human. All of us.

I don't feel much like an angel, but I'm glad I make you feel a little better sometimes. Knowing that does a world of good for me. And a squishy hug is always a treasure.

Love,

Nikki

stick2013 · 02-04-2007, 07:47 AM

Dear Nikki,

Thanks hon,

I look forward to your post too. You are a special angle, you need to start thinking that way too.

Please take care,

Squishy hugs,

Sid