Uncomfortably Numb - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

the mad katter · 02-08-2007, 02:30 PM

Dear fellow sufferers:
I have recently discovered for myself that I have PTSD. For awhile there I was a confusing diagnosis. Borderline, OCD, Bi-Polar I. Now I know that the Borderline and OCD stem from the PTS.
I want to tell you what I've been like the last month. Agoraphobic, not picking up the phone, experiencing a "fear of envelopes" (I have Fibromyalgia from the PTSD) so yeh, BILLS. I have been legally disabled for 5 years now. Little by little whatever safety and self confidence was chipped away by my follies. I became a drug addict, which isn't so uncommon for musicians, but yes, it stole years from me.
I keep feeling that I'm frozen. That I must not move because I cannot experience any hurt. So, I miss out on ALL of the things I used to LOVE. Now I have no LOVE. For everyone else I do, as I spent my whole life trying to please, but love for myself? I don't think I ever did! I was either trying to impress and faking my confidence, or getting high or drunk to lose my inhibitions. Oh the masks we wear. The tightrope walkers we were in our teens!
("Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth!" - Oscar Wilde)

Now, I'm 29, an adult, but not completely. I am afraid to live. Mostly because I'm afraid that if some CRAZY STRESS comes about, that my body will shut down. Then I'm crippled. Then the dominoes keep falling over and I am depressed about everything. Feeling that I cannot have a career again (as a computer tech) because my body can only stand being upright for so long. (Reminds me of the Plath poem where she says she's much happier laying down - "I am Vertical" is it's name)
I don't want to feel numb. I want to feel. I don't care if you slap me and call me names, or forget me in the market or crush my soul. Make Me FEEL.

My logical mind says this - "what is your damage?" I answer "i'm not sure, I'm having flashbacks from my youth, it's strange. I wonder is my memory problems today are attributed?"
My logical but flacid conciousness asks "What shall we do, should we erase or excavate?" I answer "I think possibly excavate, because I want my happiness back, I want to feel happy, and if these childhood memories, the ones that turned me into a grown up at 12, the ones that kept me from dreaming are the ones THAT ARE GHOSTS in my subconcious mind that need be exorcised are it? Then hand me the pickaxe, this might hurt, might even kill you but you have to dig in. You have to open the box babe, you must, or your entire life will pass by uncomfortably and uncontrolably because you are haunted from within."

So I wonder, is this what will help? I know about the forgiveness part, but dammit must it be both parents? Can't my plate hold a teacup instead of 4 course meal? Must this be so hard?

Now that I know Fellow Sufferers, how do I repair? Explain the architecture. Do I start from the foundation or on the top floor? I ask you humbly now, can you share with me your process?

stick2013 · 02-08-2007, 06:27 PM

Dear Mad,

Welcome to the board!!!!

The way to healthiness is simple in theory, but involves work on your part. Some people chose to stay a victim, because it easier, and it's in their comfort zone. Myself and others on this board have chosen not to remain victims, and to work at recovery.

It starts by deciding what you want to be..... A victim, or a survivor.....

After that the work begins..... So what will you be????? We can help, but not without your willingness to help yourself...

Sid

the mad katter · 02-08-2007, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stick2013

Dear Mad,

Welcome to the board!!!!

The way to healthiness is simple in theory, but involves work on your part. Some people chose to stay a victim, because it easier, and it's in their comfort zone. Myself and others on this board have chosen not to remain victims, and to work at recovery.

It starts by deciding what you want to be..... A victim, or a survivor.....

After that the work begins..... So what will you be????? We can help, but not without your willingness to help yourself...

Sid

Thank you Stick, I had decided long ago not to be the victim, I have tried again and again, and have never given up. I've been in therapy over 10 years about these subjects, but with people who were either "couselors" or Physholists that do not specialize in cognitave therapies.

Pretty much, I am past the stage of descision. It's fight not Flight...

Thanks again,

isitme · 02-09-2007, 04:38 AM

You have taken the first step - recognising that you have the illness.
And the next step - wanting to heal.
The next step - putting it all into practise. (what a long journey)!
My 'numb' periods would last weeks/months, escaping it all by drinking, which would numb my emotions even more and heighten my negative emotions causing suicidal thoughts. Finding out about CBT has helped me a great deal. All the people from this group have also helped.
Now - I put up a fight to feel good. I found it important to forgive myself also. (How wrong I was to allow myself to feel so depressed, to drink so much, to have no self esteem). I think you are ready for the fight, to overcome the past and to be happy to live in the present. You deserve it.

ICC · 02-09-2007, 05:07 AM

Mad Katter.............welcome. My biggest help in finding solutions and letting it all come out and deal with it have been these boards, my counselor and my husband. I do see a PTSD specialist. Have seen others over the years that needed my counseling jester: It works but you need to be with a counselor who truly understands your disorders and you click with so the trust factor is there and you can open up. I am wishing you the best. stick around. I have some of my best counseling sessions right here.

Peace and Prayers,
Grasshopper