...have spent a few days in Self-Injury Recovery board
Originally Posted by the mad katter
("Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth!" - Oscar Wilde)
The quote above says it all about how much I have written in the S-IR board. When I see Dr.Jim (my therapist) it is so hard to talk about my far too many issues...but here the "mask" makes it much easier.
This is me...down and dirty...
Sannah suggested that I should probably come into this board. She and Nikki have been so kind in being responsive to my long rambling thread.
Sannah, to reply to a couple of your questions to me in the S-IR board...
"Do you think that you are feeling a bit more vulnerable starting to reveal yourself here? Maybe this is why you are feeling more anxious."
No, my anxiety is due to
...my inability to allow myself to enjoy my new home and feel worthy of it, purchased by my daughter and son in law, with whom I will share the mortgage payment; letting them purchase this home has been like letting my guard down and letting them into my world, forcing me to confront my inability to see my value in this world and my question as to why anyone would want to do such a kind thing for me (the centerpiece of my conversation with Dr.Jim today)...goodness, my son in law filled my gas tank yesterday and I had a hard time with that simple kindness...I have worked so very hard these past 22 yrs since my divorce to take care of myself and trying not to ask for help
...my upcoming (this Sat) trip into D.C. for an annual PD conference, where I fear I will forget myself while sitting for hours in sessions and "pick" my arms...yes, I am taking my hand-held squeeze balls with me...ugh
...and my upcoming biopsies.
"Do you live near a dental school?"
I did check on schools a when I first moved to PA. There are two in Philadelphia...a very long drive...or two hours by train. It is worth looking into again, even if the distance is so far.
"Hiding yourself from others is exhausting."
One day I will be able to tell my daughters, but that day is not anytime soon. I just hate the thought of dredging up the horrors of their childhood, which are referred to in such a miniscul way in my S-IR thread, since I am sure that they have blocked out a lot, as I have done my childhood. My daughter's mother in law, who is my friend, and whom I live next door to now, has noted my picking, but she doesn't know why. Since I finally let my forearms heal, she has not commented again.
Now I am off to bed with my nausea, so I can have night sweats all night...how wonderful is this!! Life is so fun!