will they come back??? - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

pucca_chick · 02-11-2007, 03:01 PM

im beginning counselling for sexual molestation from age 6-11(began working out the proper time line, it would appear i was 6ish not 8ish). so anyways, im sure you all know what its like when u try soooo hard to remember but something keeps it. its blurry, in fragments, and i remember it like a silent movie that breaks up and is really hard to hear, its like a smoky screen too.it scares me because i remember certain times when he asked me to take my trousers off, i said no, and i remember him trying to egg me too, and after that its blank-i have no idea what happened. then another time i remember him unzipping himself vaguely, i can still see where he was standing, but he is almost faceless. its more like im there now, shitting myself and not paying attention again.

i cant imagine my memories returning-it seems impossible. id rather know for sure what happened and through not remembering i feel a fraud.im unsure of the timeline, theres massive blanks.it feel like it happened to someone else and i was only there part of the time.

when i think of it though-its like what happens now. appanently its called dissossiation. when im intimate with someone i switch off, i feel nothing for them and just go kind of like a robot, ill do anything because im numb. after its kinda hazy, i feel like i dreamt it and there is small blanks even now with what i do when im out.

is it true you can retreive memories-how do you know whats real?? has any of this happend to you?? please help, ive waited a long time. xox

galinaqt · 02-11-2007, 07:18 PM

I've dealing a lot with memory flashes, mostly it is about terrible job I had for a prolong period of time. They occur when cituation is somewhat similiar. Co-worker asked me if job was done, or manager wanted to see me in her office.
Nobody really unerstands me; just few people here. For the family I am just spoiled selfish ungrateful brat, everybody have/had bad supervisors bla bla bla. Councelors I've tried was a crime to let near people.
Sounds like you have somebody good. I wonder if anybody ever get cured.

ICC · 02-12-2007, 05:02 AM

Hi pucca chick and welcome. I also disassociate. I used to "leave" when something hit me that my mind couldn't handle. I am getting a grip on it now through these boards, my wonderful husband and alot of intense therapy for the past 2 1/2 years. one of my main triggers is death. since my daughters passing i do disassociate whenever a friend, family menber passes and can no longer attend the viewing or funeral. I do believe you can remember. sometimes it's not advised and sometimes in the hands of a good therapist, it will all come out a little at a time. stick around. there is a library of weathy support here and alot of those that have suffered the same traumas and have come out of them. God be with you and keep you safe. we are here for you.

Hugs,
Grasshopper

Sannah · 02-12-2007, 08:49 AM

Hi pucca! I have heard others explain that they "left" the situation when they were being abused. You just explained that you do it now when you are intimate with someone. It makes total sense to me. In my opinion, I don't think that it is that important to remember every little thing that happened with the abuse. It happened, so now the thing that is important to focus on is how it affects you today and what you need to do about your functioning today which will help you to lead a normal life free of distress.

hergy · 02-13-2007, 01:48 AM

You used the words blurry, fragments, silent movie that breaks up, vaguely, I'd rather know for sure what happened and through not remembering I feel a fraud, blanks, switch off, numb.

That, pucca_chick is way normal for abuse victims. Your brain is going to allow you only what you can handle. I wish I could see my whole experience because I, too, get the feeling that I'm a fraud. But I know I'm not. I'm not the only one who remembers certain parts of the incident, so I can't deny it. Some of what I see are only what I call 'still frames.' No movement, just disturbing pictures with me as the star.

The other words you used are the very ones that explain my memories and those of so many abuse victims.

You mentioned that when you're intimate with someone you switch off and feel numb. Except for when I was 4, I've never been intimate with a man because of that numbness. You're not alone.

A lot of people want to retrieve their memories, and I can understand why. I want to get all of mine. But not remembering is often a blessing. You can heal without the full picture. I'm working on that one now.

I may never see everything I want to see, but I can't deny what happened. You know what happened. You don't need to see it all. More will probably come to you, but let that happen naturally. It's hard enough to deal with the memories that come, don't rush it.

We're here for you. Hang in there.

Nikki