Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

Sannah · 02-12-2007, 10:03 AM

Okay you guys, it's my turn to put an issue on the table for dissection. I get really shaky when I am confronting someone. I also get this way if I have intense feelings which are being aroused. My guess is that this has something to do with having needs. I think that I am still uncomfortable at a certain level with expressing my needs/feelings. For a review of my history - only my mother's needs were met in our family. I believe I received all sorts of negative messages to keep my needs to myself.

I have a memory that is specific to this. Remember the "why, why, why" stage when you are around three or so? Well, with my very first expression of this stage, my mother got all irritated and yelled at me with my 3rd "why" in response to her answer. I still remember this clearly. I was taken aback. Guess what, I never asked my mom a question again! Isn't that sad! Many parents get irritated with their children but you see my mother ignored me so I wasn't going to risk getting negative attention from her! I already questioned if she loved me. If she was going to yell at me this would have sealed the deal! (This just brought tears to my eyes - I guess I hit a nerve!)

Going back to my issue - even when I am on the boards here and I am reading or responding to something and it brings up intense feelings I shake. There are a few people on other boards who attack. I don't run, I respond, but boy do I shake! I went a few weeks ago for an interview for volunteering. I am volunteering now at a half-way house for women released from prison. During the interview I was all nervous that she was going to say something that was going to bring out intense feelings for me and then I would get all shaky.

I guess I just need to ACCEPT that I CAN have intense feelings and that it is OKAY! Any feedback/advice welcome!

dustoffkid · 02-12-2007, 10:10 AM

Sannah-

I guess you could place this in the "feedback" column rather than the "advice" one; I have the same problem that you have! I am strong and have opinions but when I confront someone I get the shakes, too- sometimes coupled with burning ears (like a blush, but I think it's more of a flush than a blush)... the fight or flight response kicking in at times when there is no detectable physical threat. I'd liken it to a panic attack but I never have pain with it and it as always controllable to a certain degree. That is, even though I am having the reaction I can still respond with the words/actions that are appropriate. Make sense?

I don't know what to do about it... and I am willing to take advice if anyone is willing to offer it. But I certainly can relate.

Dustoff

ICC · 02-12-2007, 10:13 AM

Hi sannah----sorry you are going through this. When i speak of anxiety you have described EXACTLY how I feel. I know I can handle my own in a confrontation and very rarely will unless I know I am 100% right but I feel my BP go up, the shaking starts, the heart palpitations. I agree with you that this comes from having your feelings shot down as a small child. I did and it continued with may people in my adult life where I was stifled and never allowed to "speak my peace" , called hyper, too sensitive. you name it I was called it. so though I have no answers and am still working on this myself I can definitely relate to your feelings. they are valid and I suffer also. Hopefully someone will come along with some insight.

Hugs,
Grasshopper

galinaqt · 02-12-2007, 10:23 AM

I am trying to avoid confrontations and feel lousy if I had to fight. Some people are this way, another enjoying it. May be you should just try to avoid confronations if you can.
I can understand about your mother. About my mother everybody says "Everything should be only how it is convenient to her". And also she is very good to diminish everybody else effort and fingerpointing. In your case, you lucky to leave in this country where you can be independent from her. In my case mine very basic needs depends from this kind of person and there is no future or escape.
I had to stay with her for 2 nights 'cause my father needs to get out of town and she can't be left alone with her health conditions and we ended up fighting and that is every time I stayed with her.
My husband really unhappy about the way I am after I spent night at her place.

Sannah · 02-12-2007, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ICC

I agree with you that this comes from having your feelings shot down as a small child.

Hey Dustoff, Grasshopper, and Galinaqt, thanks for responding!

Grasshopper ( I have to get used to calling you this!) what you said above is exactly it. Maybe we can all figure this out together! I guess I am afraid of having my feelings shot down. Just writing this out in my thread really helped me to see it better. When I wrote about my mom loving me I really started crying so I am sure that it is related to that. I really just want to be able to have any feelings come out and feel comfortable with them. We are human. I will always have intense feelings come out, I just need to not feel insecure when it happens. Is this the feeling Dustoff and Grasshopper? Is what we are really feeling, is it insecurity? Like we are going to lose control or something if we have these intense feelings?

Galinaqt, for me to avoid confrontations - this would NEVER be the answer! If I can't figure it out and get myself to stop shaking I'll just confront along shaking!

Hey you guys, I just got a thought. Do you think that we are afraid that our feeling will be shot down and then we will just basically be "told" that we are, therefore, worthless. What we are insecure and shaky about then is that someone is basically going to "tell" us that we are worthless? If we take the chance to let our needs and thoughts be known we are risking this?