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Old 02-12-2007, 09:03 AM   #1
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Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Okay you guys, it's my turn to put an issue on the table for dissection. I get really shaky when I am confronting someone. I also get this way if I have intense feelings which are being aroused. My guess is that this has something to do with having needs. I think that I am still uncomfortable at a certain level with expressing my needs/feelings. For a review of my history - only my mother's needs were met in our family. I believe I received all sorts of negative messages to keep my needs to myself.

I have a memory that is specific to this. Remember the "why, why, why" stage when you are around three or so? Well, with my very first expression of this stage, my mother got all irritated and yelled at me with my 3rd "why" in response to her answer. I still remember this clearly. I was taken aback. Guess what, I never asked my mom a question again! Isn't that sad! Many parents get irritated with their children but you see my mother ignored me so I wasn't going to risk getting negative attention from her! I already questioned if she loved me. If she was going to yell at me this would have sealed the deal! (This just brought tears to my eyes - I guess I hit a nerve!)

Going back to my issue - even when I am on the boards here and I am reading or responding to something and it brings up intense feelings I shake. There are a few people on other boards who attack. I don't run, I respond, but boy do I shake! I went a few weeks ago for an interview for volunteering. I am volunteering now at a half-way house for women released from prison. During the interview I was all nervous that she was going to say something that was going to bring out intense feelings for me and then I would get all shaky.

I guess I just need to ACCEPT that I CAN have intense feelings and that it is OKAY! Any feedback/advice welcome!

 
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Old 02-12-2007, 09:10 AM   #2
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Sannah-

I guess you could place this in the "feedback" column rather than the "advice" one; I have the same problem that you have! I am strong and have opinions but when I confront someone I get the shakes, too- sometimes coupled with burning ears (like a blush, but I think it's more of a flush than a blush)... the fight or flight response kicking in at times when there is no detectable physical threat. I'd liken it to a panic attack but I never have pain with it and it as always controllable to a certain degree. That is, even though I am having the reaction I can still respond with the words/actions that are appropriate. Make sense?

I don't know what to do about it... and I am willing to take advice if anyone is willing to offer it. But I certainly can relate.

Dustoff

 
Old 02-12-2007, 09:13 AM   #3
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Hi sannah----sorry you are going through this. When i speak of anxiety you have described EXACTLY how I feel. I know I can handle my own in a confrontation and very rarely will unless I know I am 100% right but I feel my BP go up, the shaking starts, the heart palpitations. I agree with you that this comes from having your feelings shot down as a small child. I did and it continued with may people in my adult life where I was stifled and never allowed to "speak my peace" , called hyper, too sensitive. you name it I was called it. so though I have no answers and am still working on this myself I can definitely relate to your feelings. they are valid and I suffer also. Hopefully someone will come along with some insight.

Hugs,
Grasshopper

 
Old 02-12-2007, 09:23 AM   #4
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

I am trying to avoid confrontations and feel lousy if I had to fight. Some people are this way, another enjoying it. May be you should just try to avoid confronations if you can.
I can understand about your mother. About my mother everybody says "Everything should be only how it is convenient to her". And also she is very good to diminish everybody else effort and fingerpointing. In your case, you lucky to leave in this country where you can be independent from her. In my case mine very basic needs depends from this kind of person and there is no future or escape.
I had to stay with her for 2 nights 'cause my father needs to get out of town and she can't be left alone with her health conditions and we ended up fighting and that is every time I stayed with her.
My husband really unhappy about the way I am after I spent night at her place.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 10:18 AM   #5
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICC View Post
I agree with you that this comes from having your feelings shot down as a small child.

Hey Dustoff, Grasshopper, and Galinaqt, thanks for responding!

Grasshopper ( I have to get used to calling you this!) what you said above is exactly it. Maybe we can all figure this out together! I guess I am afraid of having my feelings shot down. Just writing this out in my thread really helped me to see it better. When I wrote about my mom loving me I really started crying so I am sure that it is related to that. I really just want to be able to have any feelings come out and feel comfortable with them. We are human. I will always have intense feelings come out, I just need to not feel insecure when it happens. Is this the feeling Dustoff and Grasshopper? Is what we are really feeling, is it insecurity? Like we are going to lose control or something if we have these intense feelings?

Galinaqt, for me to avoid confrontations - this would NEVER be the answer! If I can't figure it out and get myself to stop shaking I'll just confront along shaking!

Hey you guys, I just got a thought. Do you think that we are afraid that our feeling will be shot down and then we will just basically be "told" that we are, therefore, worthless. What we are insecure and shaky about then is that someone is basically going to "tell" us that we are worthless? If we take the chance to let our needs and thoughts be known we are risking this?

Last edited by Sannah; 02-12-2007 at 10:36 AM.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 10:35 AM   #6
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

I thought you worked with therapist who helped you. I've head a program with therapist who said that our experiecnes programmed us, so when we have similiar experience we remembering things and reacting same way as before.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 10:42 AM   #7
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Yes, Galinaqt, I had a therapist who helped me immensely. Now, I am just working out the last few kinks. I am able, however, when issues come up to resolve them by myself. I already feel a lot better about this issue from just discussing it here. I can't wait for a "test" to see if I still shake!

I edited my last reply while you were posting your last one here. You might want to go back and read what I wrote?

I was thinking about you and your mother again. You are free from her really but in your mind you still think that you are not? If she goes into one of her whatever you want to call it, can you just get to a point where you look at her and accept her for who she is and realize that she really doesn't have any power over you anymore? Just say to her "okay mother, whatever you say" and then look the other way and roll your eyes.

Galinqt, I just got what you were saying about the programming. Yeh, I agree we get programmed but once we understand we don't go into that automatic programming anymore.

Last edited by Sannah; 02-12-2007 at 10:53 AM.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 11:14 AM   #8
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

sannah---good point about feeling insecure and worthless. makes alot of sense to me. Whenever I have really stood up for myself it has taken a fight. I have lost my temper because the person wasn't listening, didn't care, or was so into themselves that the buttons they pushed really pushed me into an anger mode. that being very frustrating to me as I am the opposite. I have had to argue my feelings most of my life. at times they have been laughed at, I have been called insecure, stupid and just wanting to be difficult. The insecure thing bothers me as I am a pillar of strength and confidence. I have been also called overly sensitive. maybe I am but I am who I am. I am very sensitive to others needs much more so than many so why wouldn't I be sensitive to my own needs? I'm not talking about those that demand. I don't do anything for anyone anymore who demands or expects something from me. I'm talking about virtual strangers who are in need. I come to their defense in the blink of an eye. why wouldn't I do that for myself? Times that I have tried I have had people tell me they know how I am but love me anyway. WHAT?????? when asked "just how am I" they back off. no answer. I think the world is full of insensitive, uncaring, selfish, jealous people who are dysfunctional to say the least but truly believe it is everyone else's issue. never theirs. From childhood I have been drawn to people like this and they are drawn to me. I believe it started with my mother's lack of interest , love and concern for my well being and now has excalated full blown in adulthood. I still have a really hard time when confronted just saying it like it is and moving on. No i say it like it is, have the shaking, HBP, palpitations, My voice goes up (not intentionally) and therefore it is thought that I am yelling which I am not. afterwards I will be an anxiety attack sometimes for days and have to go over it in my mind or verbally to others for days sometimes weeks before I can let it go. we're going to understand this and work on it until we figure it out. It is my last obstacle. You know the deal with triggers but this is a trigger of mine. the last one that I still don't know how to deal with. Even in the face of confrontation I might appear to be calm and very upfront but it's what's going on inside that I want and need to stop.

Hugs,
Grasshopper

p.s. FTM's name for me has grown on me very comfortably. it will you also but feel free to call me whatever you would like. I think we go back further than anyone.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 11:41 AM   #9
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Some people are very good in argueing and they are looking forward to provoke you than they are on their territory and it will be hard for outsiders to see who is right and who is wrong.
While they are feeling better and getting what they want, we got sick from it.
In another case like with my mother - you tell her a word and she will tell you 100 back. She would be always right and all the guilt will be put on the most convenient person and you will be ungrateful rat.
Most of my resentment is because of all hardships and losses I had 'cause of her and if things will go her way I'd likely die on the street.
Also my brother got everything she deprived me and it 'cause enormous jealosy on my part.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 11:53 AM   #10
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

galinaqt----right on!!!! I have been on the other side of "those people" many times. I have been provoked more times than i can possibly remember. When i think back it irritates me that I stayed in the situation as long as I did. Now that i'm out of it I am more outspoken and don't care what the other person thinks but I was stuck in a hell hole for many years with intolerable people who seemed to create drama, many problems for others and yet came out "smelling like a rose" while I on the other hand was called "too sensitive" trust me when i tell you I can hold my own so I don't back down easily and have never had a confrontation because my feelings were hurt though that's sometimes what people thought. I started to be even more honest and tell them " My feelings aren't hurt. I am angry with you for what you said/did" believe me most of the time they still thought what they wanted. I find alot of people have a real hard time with honesty and wouldn't recognize it if it slapped them in the face. So my honesty was always taken as something else. I remember one day I was having a smoke outside of my building. My supervisor came out and said "what's up? what are you doing/" I answered with " I 'm having a smoke, screwing off" He then said " No really, what are you doing"? I have always bee completely honest and believe most people couldn't believe anyone is that honest and most people have the phony conversations that are meaningless so they couldn't understand my honesty. I have told people for years that I am Black and White. what you see and hear is what it is. No hidden agenda. very few people believe me.

Hugs girlfriends,
Grasshopper

 
Old 02-12-2007, 12:06 PM   #11
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Galinaqt, I see you as trying to get your power back from your mother. You do not have to do this. You have your power UNLESS YOU GIVE IT TO YOUR MOTHER. I wouldn't give your mother that first word. You will never win with her so why try. The issue is really about power here.

Everyone, you know this issue for me is a good example of how issues come up and how they get dealt with. I rarely have to confront anyone. I am a stay-at-home mom in the pleasant state of Kentucky. Sure, I would shake in front of the computer in the comfort of my safe home. So what! It never came to my conscious mind that I needed to work on this issue UNTIL I went to volunteer at the half-way house. NOW it's an issue. I can't have one of the women bring up a subject which brings out feelings in me and there I am shaking! This is how issues have always come up for me.

ICC, is the issue any clearer for you now? It is for me.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 01:16 PM   #12
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Absolutely Sannah!!! i'm not glad youhad the experience but glad that we have acknowledged it. Triggers!!!! I still believe that's what it comes down to> As you said if someone brings up an issue you can't start shaking. It is one of your triggers they are bringing up. So here we are knowing as we have for along time that certain triggers set us into an unclofrtable mode of being and thought but we still have no idea how to stop it. I have said for many years that I just want to be one of these people who very little bothers. I have so many triggers and even though in my rational mind when I think I have things under control I never know when someone will push one of those nasty buttons and set me off. I am trying to be more aware and if nothing else I don't stew about anything anymore but bring it right out and deal with it. I don't like that uncomfortable feeling of panicking, shaking, or just sensing danger. What did you get out of all of this? do you feel any better?


Galinaqt-----sannah is right. That;s why I have nno contact with my mother. It never ended nicely. I was hurt EVERY time I was in her co . and if my kids were there one of them if not all would be hurt by her words. I know you have said you have no choice but to be in contact BUT I wouldn't let her get a word in. Walk away and tell her if she continues on this path you refuse to listen. start singing! or whistling out loud. but refuse to listen to the abuse.




Hugs girls!
Grasshopper
































Hugs,
Grasshopper

 
Old 02-12-2007, 02:05 PM   #13
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

ICC, I don't think that when a strong emotion is elicited from me that it is a trigger. I am just uncomfortable having any strong emotions. I think that it is okay to have these strong emotions on an intellectual level, I am not comfortable, however on the emotional level. I think that I have discovered today with these conversations that I am uncomfortable having these strong feelings because then I am vulnerable to someone "shooting down" my feelings. If I don't have these feelings then no one can shoot them down. If I have them and they are strong, then someone can shoot them down. If someone shoots down my feelings (which really isn't going to happen in the situations that I am speaking about but that childhood fear is talking here) this says that I am not valuable and therefore worthless. This is what I am really afraid of. I will get the test soon here. I'll see if I get shaky if strong feelings are elicited here. I actually think that I can work through it now because I understand it. I think that it is normal to have strong emotions I just need to feel comfortable with it. I don't think that it is a trigger because I never suffered from confrontations as a child. My family did not speak! But if you think that I am not seeing something here please keep explaining!

 
Old 02-12-2007, 03:10 PM   #14
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Sannah, oh my word, did we have the same mom?

I get those very shakes. It embarasses me because I can't control it. When I'm in an emotionally charged conversation or argument, I shake as if I'm shivering from cold. I don't ever feel cold, but I've even gotten a blanket to see if I can get my body to stop shaking.

When my freak of a 'friend' used to come on to me or force herself on me, I also would shake (I may have been shaking out of fear with this one, but shaking nonetheless).

I'll have to give this more thought, but my experience with my mom seems to be similar to yours. That could be at the root of the problem.

You said only my mother's needs were met in our family. I believe I received all sorts of negative messages to keep my needs to myself.

ME, TOO! I was made to believe I was selfish for expressing needs. I didn't even ask for toys because my mom sent the message that it was bad to want things.

You also said I wasn't going to risk getting negative attention from her! I already questioned if she loved me. If she was going to yell at me this would have sealed the deal!

My mom yelled, and still yells. I have always hated it. I was so happy to be on my own and out of earshot of her yelling. My mom has always told me she loves me, but she's stone-faced and rarely shows emotion. So grasping the reality of her feelings is impossible. When I prod for emotional expression, I'm scolded, STILL!

I never really analyzed the shaking problem until you posted about it. It seems to be sort of like a volcano. Most of the time, a volcano is firm and unshakable. But when something starts to bubble and burn, it begins to shake. It shakes until it explodes.

For me, I know now that I'm full of bubbling and burning emotions. Maybe that's where the shaking comes from - fear of releasing a lifetime of stifled emotion.

I'd like to give this more thought. I was only lurking because I'm in a lot of pain today. I'll post later.

Thanks for bringing this up. This is a very interesting topic.

Love you!

Nikki

Last edited by hergy; 02-12-2007 at 03:18 PM.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 05:41 PM   #15
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Re: Confrontation reaction -shakiness with intense feelings

Nikki, it is amazing how no one mentioned this earlier and many of us suffered from it! Yes, our mothers do sound alike, I can't wait to hear what you have to say once you have thought about it. Nikki, why are you in pain? Love you too!

 
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