hergy

I understand the prison experiment, Sid. I've got a lot to work on. And I try every stinkin' day to remind myself that all men aren't evil and nasty.

When I was a child, I began a fascination with death, torture and abuse. I never harmed a living thing and didn't want to. I was a very gentle, loving child, more than most.

I wanted to be hurt. I remember seeing documentaries about missing children and being mesmerized, not happy, just frozen and deeply disturbed.

Later, true crime, forensics, suicide, death, torture and deviant behavior captured my attention and never let go.

Asian horror and many independent and foreign films dare to cross the forbidden zone, not with gore, but with deranged concepts and normalization of cold, unfeeling apathy with regard to life and healthy thinking.

I'm not unfeeling, neither do I approve of criminal activity. But the presence of screwed up minds makes me feel less of a freak for the unsettling material that lives in my head.

I have been progressing, but the things I've seen in my head for 31 years have produced a very long movie that would never get out of the editing room. My choices of entertainment often distract me from that 'movie.'

I was a 5-year-old that fantasized about naked men being wrapped in barbed wire. Getting rid of SI was like spitting compared to the thought of losing the material that keeps my sickness company.

I never talk about this stuff with anyone. If you're not sickened by me now, I'd love your help. I don't want to feel like the sick freak I have all my life. After telling you this crap, I probably don't sound very gentle and loving anymore. Please see me. I've always felt like flowers and meadows scattered with chains and blood.