Retreating - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

orchardlady · 02-21-2007, 05:59 PM

Sitting here tonight I realize that I have retreated over the past couple of months, back into my shell, my "cave," as a new friend would say.

The brief social life I had for the first time in my life has died away.
It was there from April until December.
I can still have it, but I don't want the work it entails and the fear of rejection it fosters.
After all these years it is perplexing that I am comfortable with this happening.
At the same time it is not surprising...there is a safety factor in retreating.
There is no work in being alone.
There is work in having any kind of relationship.
I have always been alone...58 yrs worth of alone...fear of rejection has always kept me there.
The tug of war I have with my aloneness is constant.
While I want friendship and close relationships, they scare the dickens out of me.

stick2013 · 02-21-2007, 06:02 PM

Hi Hon,

So why so sad tonight????? What happened to trigger this???? Although I do know about being alone, I have been alone for the past 8 years, but I did it by choice. I do LOVE being alone. I have friends, but mostly we talk over the phone.

So what's going on???

Sid

Phoenix · 02-21-2007, 06:23 PM

It was my description of my inner child years ago on the NO DEEPER thread.

I didn't realize this would happen.

stick2013 · 02-21-2007, 06:58 PM

FTM,

Don't go blaming yourself....Sometimes just a word or thought, or anything can set us off on a thinking journey. So don't be upset with yourself, as I am sure that Carolyn isn't upset with you either.....

She will be OK, she is a survivor too.....We all are. She is probably just having a rough night. We all do....

Hugs to both of you......

Sid

orchardlady · 02-21-2007, 08:59 PM

FTM, nothing to do with your thread...honestly.

You thread is a good one. I am sorry that we are not allowed to express ourselves in that way in this board, or I assume, any HealthBoards. I did remove what I wrote on-the-fly tonight, but I did save it here in my PC.

I am just in a funk. Happens from time to time. I need to go post in S-IR too, before I get myself in to trouble. I have two painful infections I have been working on this week, so I don't have show my internist my SI, which I will have to do by Monday if the infection doesn't resolve over the weekend. I dread the day I have to show anyone what I have done to myself.

This past year, for the first time, I tried to break out of my "cave" and find a place in the social community that wasn't the act of helping others, hence finding a diversion for myself...distractions from myself. I have never attempted this before. Whether it was career work or personal stuff, I have always focused on doing for others, rather than doing for myself; e.g. managing non-profit, volunteering in the ER, hotline phone work, church work, raising infant grandchildren, until their mothers got their acts together, etc.

It was the hardest work I have done in a long time. While I did make three friends, one of which I have continued phone contact with a couple of times a week, even that is waining...she calls me or I call her. I have also made a friend through my online Parkinson's work...email, phone and IM contact. Believe me, I don't complain to these people. Heck, I don't complain to anyone about anything, just keep it to myself. This board, and the SI board, are the closest I come to complaining about anything.

Today I saw the surgeon about neck-lymph biopsy and he said, wait and watch, no biopsy now. I thought that at least one of these "friends" would have checked in tonight, but alas, nothing from anyone. They all know how stressed I have been about the possibility of yet another yuckie health condition.

Maybe this lack of caring response tonight is the message to me to just return to my cave and abandon the social life. Being social is hard work, after all these years. It is scary work. And, it is work! It is emotionally draining! I always return home wondering, trying not to let my head games begin...the did they like me, will anyone care if I return...that kind of stuff.