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Old 03-05-2007, 10:03 PM   #1
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memory

I think I need help. Has anyone done things that they don't remember doing. I know this sounds kinda weird but I have done some things that I don't remember doing. Bad things that I would never ever do. People are telling me about things that I have done and I have absolutly no memory of doing them. I have found e-mails that say horrible things that I don't remember writing. Left messages on voice mails that I can't remember leaving I even tried to kill myself and had no memory of 3 whole days. I can only imagine what else I have done that I don't know about. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. I have an appt with my doctor next week but he will only say that it is a symptom of PTSD and that will be that. I am scared of what I will do without realizing that I am doing it.

 
Old 03-05-2007, 11:15 PM   #2
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Re: memory

By any chance do you take the sleeping pill Ambien? If so, that would exp lain ALL your symptoms. I hope that's the case because then you know the cause and how to stop it (stop the Ambien). Please post here if you can so I can know if this helped.

 
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Old 03-06-2007, 03:45 AM   #3
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Re: memory

Good morning Suzken ---- welcome. Dissociation is a symptom of PTSD so your Dr. is right. I spent 3 years in counseling and come here everyday.there is alot of wonderful support and knowledge here that has been as beneficial as my counselor in many ways. I have stopped "leaving" for the past maybe 5 months. It's fear and not being able to handle the pain of traaumas that makes us dissociate. I never have for more than about 15 minutes so I think for your own saftery we need to get to the root of why and what is making you "leave" like this. Please tell us more.


Grasshopper

 
Old 03-06-2007, 04:54 AM   #4
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Re: memory

Hi, Suzken, I've done things that I don't remember. I've emailed my T using language I would never use, I eat in the middle of the night, I cut....and I don't remember it in the morning till I see signs of it and wonder what I've done......it is part of the dissassociation......as i'm learning to face my life, i don't do it as much anymore.....

I don't have any answers for you...just wanted you to know that others do it, too........

I pray that you find some peace and ansewrs for yourself

 
Old 03-06-2007, 08:22 AM   #5
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Re: memory

Hi all, I really appriciate the responces. I am pretty freaked out right now. I e-mailed my husbands co-worker and said some pretty bad things about my husband and cannot figure out what kind of damage control I can do. It seems that this is happening when I am mad at him or upset about something. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else but I am terrified that I will. I think I need to see a councelor in addition to my psych. I am 43 years old and was abused sexually by my father for most of my childhood. So I wonder why it is happening now and not before. Unless it has been happening all along and I'm just now realizing it. Is there any way I can prevent it or at least be aware of when it happens? Thank you all for your concern. I will be spending some time here, it seems like you all are caring and helpful people.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 08:29 AM   #6
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Re: memory

Suzken,

Welcome.... I have had these Black out moments too, but not to the severity that you have had. All I can suggest is this....If you get the feeling or a warning sign that it is coming, then you need to stay grounded in the here and now. Not an easy thing to do, but over time you can learn to do it very well. Staying focused on things, touching them, holding them, talking to yourself to STAY HERE.... Anything to keep you from blacking out so to speak....Keep telling yourself that you are in the HERE and NOW....NOT in the past. Nothing can hurt you now.......You are safe.......

Hope this helps,

Sid

 
Old 03-06-2007, 10:53 AM   #7
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Re: memory

suzken it sounds as if when you get mad at your husband you are reliving the trauma with your father and this is making you dissociate. Yes you do need to be in counseling also. How can we help you to clear this in your mind? did it make sense what I said? there is a link there between your anger with hubby adn your anger with your father. You have to get to the root of it with dad to stop it from happening with hubby. you're transferring feelings from one to the other.


Prayers,
grasshopper

 
Old 03-07-2007, 01:13 PM   #8
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Re: memory

I saw my dr yesterday and he told me that the way I have survived all of these years is by throwing myself into raising my kids, taking care of my husband, my house and my job. Basically keeping very busy caring for others.. Now.... I have been off work for 6 months due to an illness. My kids are all grown and taking care of themselves, I broke my leg just before Christmas and had to have surgery. I have been in and out of the hospital with blood clots in my leg and one in my lung. So now my husband takes care of himself the house and waits on me hand and foot. so I have lost my ability to survive the abuse and it is all hitting me pretty hard now. He said the dissassociations will get way worse unless I find away to occupy my time. and yes I am transfering my anger towards my dad onto my husband and when we fight (which is alot more than normal these days) I 'black out' and act out in bad ways. I have distroyed my husbands relationship with his co-worker and best friend by sending him horrible untrue e-mails about my husband beating me. I cannot believe that I would write such horrible things about my husband when he has put up with so much from me over the past 20 years. Why would I say that he abuses me when he doesn't?? I tried to explain to his friend what is really going on but he thinks my husband made me say it. again I am so worried about things I may have done that I don't know about yet. Thanks so much for your concern. I have got to get past this bdfore I sabatoge my marriage and my relationship with my family and friends!

 
Old 03-07-2007, 01:31 PM   #9
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Re: memory

Suzken,

Do you know when you are about to disassociate?? Is there any kind of warning sign before???? Do you know what your triggers are??? These thing if you know them will help you to stop blacking out. Sometimes it can't be helped, but sometimes it can..

Is your father still alive, and have you ever confronted him with your issues??? I actually hope that he is either dead and buried or in jail. Sorry but i too was sexually abused, and I can get nasty at times when I hear things. Other times I am ok with it, and can get through it. Today is not one of those days...

Let us know how we can help....

Sid

 
Old 03-07-2007, 01:35 PM   #10
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Re: memory

Quote:
Originally Posted by stick2013 View Post
Suzken,

Do you know when you are about to disassociate?? Is there any kind of warning sign before???? Do you know what your triggers are??? These thing if you know them will help you to stop blacking out. Sometimes it can't be helped, but sometimes it can..

Is your father still alive, and have you ever confronted him with your issues??? I actually hope that he is either dead and buried or in jail. Sorry but i too was sexually abused, and I can get nasty at times when I hear things. Other times I am ok with it, and can get through it. Today is not one of those days...

Let us know how we can help....

Sid

 
Old 03-07-2007, 01:42 PM   #11
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Re: memory

no I don't know when I am going to disassociate but It seems to be when I am mad at my husband but I seem to be mad alot lately for no reason.

My father is supposed to be dead we heard that he died in the Phillipines but really have no proof. I have never confronted him. I actually freaked out totally anytime that I saw him when he finnaly moved away. I truely hope he is burning in h*ll. He was the most evil man ever created. I understand how you can have these bad days. My only regret is that I didn't see him die a horrible death.

My dr gave me a phone number of a concelor that specializes in 'these cases' but I haven't called her yet.
Thans for the responce

 
Old 03-07-2007, 01:49 PM   #12
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Re: memory

When you say THESE cases are you talking about a PTSD therapist, or a rape therapist. You really do need to see a therapist that has trained in PTSD. Mine was, and if it wasn't for him, I don't think that I would be here today...

Sid

 
Old 03-07-2007, 01:51 PM   #13
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Re: memory

One other thing that you need to do is get your anger under control.... I think that this is the real issue. It's anger.....Anger will destroy you, and EVERYONE around you....You really do need to find a way to let go of the anger. You can't even begin to heal unless you do....

Sid

 
Old 03-08-2007, 09:32 PM   #14
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Re: memory

Sid I know I need to get this anger under control. I really thought that it was. I was a disaster early in my adulthood but I was doing so much better. I felt angry with my husband tonight for really no reason and I was afraid I would black out but I came here and read for awhile and I feel better. You all have been very helpful.

 
Old 03-09-2007, 02:26 AM   #15
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Re: memory

Dear Suzken,

For some reason with sexual abuse cases we seem to be just out of control in our early adult lives. I did a lot of drinking, smoked pot a lot, had many sexual partners, was just out of control. But didn't have ANY signs of PTSD....Then it hit.......I was in my late 30's, and by the time I hit 40 I was a basket case.......I could hardly function. You talk about anger......I was the queen of anger.....But I did learn to get a hold of it. To release it in a healthy way, and not to attack other people verbally, emotionally, or physically. You can to......It takes time and effort.

Because your anger makes you black out, I am wondering if anger management classes may be of help to you. It's an area you may want to discuss with your therapist. Another thing is to have a well trained therapist in PTSD, plus one that is trained in rape trauma. I had both. They both help me to overcome the trauma.

Hang in there, and keep posting.......

Hugs,

Sid

 
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