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Old 03-17-2007, 04:18 AM   #1
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Talking Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Ok all here are the last of mine. At least I hope so. Please take one at a time or all three and help me to understand and get it under control. 1)The grief is that of my daughter as you all know.2) I have started in several situations to have a gut feeling and then start second guessing myself and don't know why 3) As we have al discussed in Sannah's thread--- confrontations bringing on intense anxiety. I feel I only get anxious when the person I am having the confrontation with is LYING!!! otherwise I seem to be able to hold my own. I hate liars. so maybe it's not the confrontation itself but lying and I know there are several of us here with the same issue.

HELP,
Grasshopper

 
Old 03-17-2007, 05:18 AM   #2
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Dear ICC,

Grief..................She was your daughter, she died an untimely horrible death, and was taken from you. I would imagine that you will carry the grief for the rest of your life. I would think that you have an empty part in your heart that can not be filled. I think this is normal. I only hope that someday it lessens so that you stop torturing yourself. I hope that someday you can smile, and laugh about the wonderful 21 years that she shared with you, instead of crying about the years that she has been gone.

Second guessing........OH MY....Well let me tell you a story. I have this friend that I love very much. She wrote a letter about her daughters death, and how it had affected her for the last ten years. The answers that she has been trying to come up with about the accident, and the questions that she has been trying to find answers too. I wrote back to her, and some of the things I said were harsh. Some of the things I said to her probably felt like a knife going through her. I talked about her daughters death, and how she needs to stop trying to find answers, and accept the fact that she is gone....Saying these things......I KNEW I was taking a chance. It could have gone either way. She could have thought about what I said, or she could have gotten VERY ANGRY, and refused to ever speak to me again. I posted it...........Then for the next 24 hours, I checked the site at least 2 dozen times, and read, and re-read what i had written. I second guessed myself, a thousand times. I worried about loosing a friendship that I cared deeply about. I thought about doing some edits on it. I second guessed myself to the point that I thought I would go nutty. But I held to my belief and didn't do anything, and took my chances. i was willing to lose a friendship to get my point across if I felt that it would help her.

Confrontations......I think for you, it's the same as me.......It's dealing with a LIAR!!!!!! You get so angry that you could throttle them......At least that's how I get....We were victims, we told the TRUTH, NOBODY believed us, we kept screaming the truth. It became a way of life for us. It's all about the truth.

Hugs,

Sid

 
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Old 03-17-2007, 05:40 AM   #3
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Hi honey ----- That's my new name for you. Do I know this wonderful friend of yours that you love so dearly? Sid it's tough. Being my friend you need to smack me once in awhile. I'm a pretty tough cookie and always open to suggestions and thoughts. I brought them here so knew my thoughts weren;t always right or the best and asked for help. You gave it. Sid I only torture myself certain times of the year. I have been able to sit and talk with certain people about the beauty in our lives together. Her wonderful sense of humor and some of the funny things she has done. Her death is what it is. A whole in my heart that will never close but I need to start celebrating her life and even maybe someday her rebirth. It is God's way , not mine. I have never questioned Him. It was her time for whatever reason. I have come to realize a long time ago that God may have saved her from something worse in her life. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to have kids that she desperately wanted,maybe had she lived it would have been totally disabled, etc. that sort of thought process. The would have, should have, could haves have been gone for years. It wasn't my call. I don't believe any parent let's this go totally. I am hoping that once this legal scrap is over with, I have healed somewhat more than I am now physically and emotionally that I can take the new road and do what I have always wanted to do. Help others. I will finally have the freedom which I crave and have craved for many years. I have spent my life doing for others and never myself. when she died I spent many, many years concerned about her 2 sisters and her husband and never ME. I am on ME now. They are all adults that carry the pain also BUT have to deal just like I do. I cannot help them any more. It's time for all of us to let her rest and go on as she would ahve wanted for us.It's going to take time for me as this is the first time I have truly even tried to deal with an open mind and heart in the past 10 years. along time to be in denial. LIARS!!!! Sid it makes me so angry. though I am more of a vocal person when angry liars do bring me to the physical point of wanting to slap them. I hate it. makes me so anxious i just shake for days. SECOND GUESSING!!! i've done it twice lately and regretted it as my gut was right both times. Need to work on this crap. Need to stop the anxiety in it's tracks or it will linger for days. I am still shaky even though I rebutted thier testimony and no their lies didn't hurt my case. I guess after 20 years to know that everyone will save thier own butt ****** me off too since I am not afraid to stand my ground for myself or others if it measn being honest. Maybe they get a handout. a bonus for lying. Who in their right mind would want to work with or for these people? A month before I got hurt I applied for 3 jobs. One called one week after the injuries. I was honest and sai dI was injured. I knew after being off in the summer I couldn't go back because of the kind of environment I was in. It had turned very phony and back stabbing in the past 3 years. I was injured before I left. No one can injure 5 body parts intentionally because they are unhappy or argued with their boss. I can't believe anyone intelligent human being would even try to pull it.Thanks for loving me.


Hugs,
Grasshopper xo

 
Old 03-17-2007, 07:47 AM   #4
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Oh My Dear Carolyn ----- of course your words hold weight with me. they always do. just in a different way. You make so much sense that I read and absorb. Sorry if i made you feel that they didn't help. Sometimes when you post you make so much sense in a calming way that I tend to take your words feel them and go away comforted. Never ever feel they didn't help for you are a very wise woman indeed and very much needed here.



Hugs,
Grasshopper

 
Old 03-17-2007, 08:13 AM   #5
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Carolyn,

I too feel as ICC does.....NEVER EVER think that your words don't matter. You have such a beautiful way with words, and you are so calming.....If it wasn't for the fact that I KNOW you have problems, I would think that you are one of the few that has escaped any trauma in your life, and are truly a healthy, and happy person....That's the way that you come across when you post to someone. NOW if you could only take your OWN ADVICE, and put it your your own healing....YOU would be the healthy, and happy one.....


Many hugs right back to you.....(((((((((( )))))))))

Sid

 
Old 03-17-2007, 08:54 AM   #6
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Well said Sid. Amen. See how much you mean to us Carolyn. I have had times that I have felt the same way about you. No issues at all. Your answers are truly from the heart.


Hugs,
\
Grasshopper

 
Old 03-17-2007, 09:25 AM   #7
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Dearest Grasshopper

I personally believe the greatest gift we can bestow on our dearly departed loved ones is to honor their life and not ruin ours because of their death. What are you doing to honor her, today?

Name all the ways you grief is honoring your daughter.

She is on a journey now. Ask yourself:

What ways are you helping her along?
What ways are you holding her back?

Let your daughter use your body to write a letter to you.

What would she say?
What questions would she ask you?
What would she want to tell you?

Answer her back.

How would you explain yourself to her?

This has helped me with my fathers death. Let me know if you have tried this before. Sometimes the dialog will last for some time. In order for this to really work, believe that she can hear you and talk back to you. Be brave, love will guide you.

Blessed be
Zencat

 
Old 03-17-2007, 09:29 AM   #8
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Dear Zencat,

I know that you posted to ICC, but I had to respond........HOW BEAUTIFUL!!!!! What a wonderful way to express the love for a lost love one!!!!!

Hugs,

Sid

 
Old 03-17-2007, 10:18 AM   #9
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Oh Zen what a wonderful idea. I did have a one sided conversation on her b-day a couple of weeks ago in the cemetary. I say one sided because i was doing the asking for help and probably not listening for responses. My grief honors her life in NO way. She would not want this for me and I know that. I really believe my biggest fear is her thinking I have forgotten her unless i spend a time everyday thinking and talking to her. She has Angel work to do and I am probably holding her up. Will have another conversation with my heart and soul open this time. I have been calmer and more accepting since I had the conversation in the cemetary. the psycic was a fluke in between just at the wrong time. Have been to them since she passed and it never caused upset in my life. I think the timing was just wrong or maybe I should say right. Need to get over the anxiety of this legal battle the other day but as soon as I am alone and calm we will have another talk and I will let her talk this time. What a great guy you are. thank you.


peace my friend,
Grasshopper

Last edited by ICC; 03-17-2007 at 12:02 PM.

 
Old 03-17-2007, 01:39 PM   #10
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

Grasshopper

I sure you have heard the spiritual axiom, when we stop asking questions the answers will come. That we must become an empty vessel before we can be filled. Let go and let love show the way. There are many more like these truths. On small pieces of paper, post these truths in the many places you go in your home, in your car, carry them in your pockets, in your heart and mind . Keep them close to you always. Remember and repeat them often through the day. They are powerful medicine, they can heal.

I am glad that I was open to your pain and the words came to me, to pass to you, my friend. You are welcome.

Many hugs, much love
Zencat

 
Old 03-17-2007, 02:02 PM   #11
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Re: Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations

My Dear Zencat ---- I actually printed a few sayings that you had posted awhile ago and read them frequently. Maybe not frequent enough. I am finding that when I feel lost if I talk out loud and reinforce what I have learned that I feel much stronger. I am also glad the words came to you and you could share with me. It means the world to me to have all of my friends here comfort and support me through the hardest times. I think I will try letting go of the analytical side of me for a couple of days and see what freedom that brings. Have always had to tear things apart and look at them inside and out. Going to try being free.

Much love and many hugs back to you,
Grasshopper

 
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