As unbalanced and unwise at it may be, I still haven't worked past having one driving force to live right now - and now that reason is quaking.
A weird distance is pushing between my best friend and I. Really, we're all each other has in the world as far as that person who's got your back and knows all of your problems and truly cares. Unconditional love with no judgement. We've been through so much sh** together. I'm getting brushed off. She told me once, "People will disappoint you."
That void is a pain I can't describe. I'm thinking things I never wanted to get this close to thinking. But I can't imagine what I'll do without the blessing that lit the dark parts of my life. I'm only battling now with how things might be for everyone else. I've never been selfish or lacked in love. That's my handicap. I can erase my ability to think that much, but I hate that such a move is still my choice.
The list of good things. What good am I without a reason to change? I don't care about the way anyone else views me. If she disappears, my work is finished. I don't want it to be this way. My other goals have yet to become real enough to help me hang on. Nothing's more important than love for a human. I really never thought it would be this way with us.
Normally, I wouldn't tell a soul about this. But, again, the anonymity helps. As long as I live, this outlet will be a treasure.
I don't know what else to say. I've been a wreck for a few weeks. Things like this don't happen suddenly. My love for my own joys is turning gray. God, I love you guys. Never forget.
I realize feelings of worthlessness, guilt, hopelessness and other crap are symptoms of depression. But no meds can wake up the dying of a lifeline.
I looked in the mirror today, ICC. I'm human, made of matter, with big green eyes that look straight into me. I looked at my body. Two legs, two arms, a body - on the outside, I'm like everyone else. I can't feel her presence. I can't feel anybody. They're disappearing.
I guess it's really stupid, but my cat holds me on the ground. I love her so much. She's actually been there for me, even though she doesn't know her power in my life. She was given to me when I got cancer. She's very special. She's attached to me. She cries when I leave the house. I trust no one to care for her in the way she deserves.
I want to want life no matter who or what changes. This came at such a wrong time.
Last edited by hergy; 03-26-2007 at 07:46 AM.
Reason: Discretion
Oh my Dear Nikki------ As you can see you can't hold everything on one person unless it's yourself. People will disappoint you. Why is your friend brushing you off? Is she afraid of the positive changes in you? I know you're afraid of them. Nikki when ones life changes so drastically as yours has it is a very scary situation. We are like babies, knowing nothing but not having our parents to teach us or protect us as they should. We are adults and somewhat left on our own to figure it out. The pain makes us run to whatever has felt safe in the past. You have a reason to change. YOU. You say you don't feel yourself but can see yourself. The love and devotion youhave for others IS feeling yourself. That's who Nikki is. I feel youshould try to tell your therapist/Dr. just where you are let him help us to encourage you to go on down the road to recovery. Nikki this is just a pit stop. Don't let it set you back thought by the sounds of your post it already has. Get yourself out of it now. Don't let it hang. Depression on top of the PTSD,BP and OCD is a horrible thing. That's what made me open up finally after many, many years of therapy. The PTSD I was OK with but the last flare up brought with it a major depression that I could not dig my way out of. It scared me more than I have ever been scared before.IT WAS MY TURNING POINT TO HEALING!!!! I know it sounds odd but sometimes it's the darkness before the light that we see. It's not stupid that your cat gives you comfort. Pets love us unconditionally. You have a need to give. Do just that so you have a reason to go on. I know helping your sister is a sore spot but didn't you say she works with kids? If so play with the kids, give them all the love you have inside, teach them, comfort them. It will give you a reason as "Nothing is more important to a human than love" Let the kids give it back to you. You'll be safe. Children are innocent. You're right this came at a bad time. God's never late. Maybe you have come so far that you need to test yourself. "Am I ok if certain people are in my life"? "This scenerio is always possible, I have to make myself stronger so I can make it no matter what comes my way". This pain makes you such an )%^ because you have had it all your life. Nikki try to distinguish the difference in the emotions you're feeling. Right now I beleive you are scared to go it as you say "alone". FEAR!! Girlfriend we can all help you through this and over the hump for that is what this is a "roadblock" Not an end for you. You are you with or without certain people in your life. Nikki if I can continue to drudge past the roadblocks, the losses, you can too. No box filling, no instructions Talk to me. Sid will be here with her "bat" at any moment. Cry, scream, be angry, be sad but please don't do it alone. Let us cry with you.
Dearest, dearest Nikki, ICC wrote a wonderful post when she explained that her worst depression was right before she turned the corner to healing. You seem to dip low just before you make a big healing jump. Remember when you were struggling with accepting your inner child? You felt low then and then you made this big improvement.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You did this because you do want help with this, thank you, thank you, thank you, Nikki. You are such a BEAUTIFUL person, inside and out, and the world will be a MUCH better place if you stay here with us! I know that leaving is more about ending your pain than anything else. Remember, pain dissipates with expressing it. Please continue to express your pain here. You have so much ahead of you! As for your friend, you changed a lot and this can jar relationships. Like ICC said, you must pin your hopes on yourself not on anyone else. Please keep posting and let us help you.
I love you.........You are my angel Life isn't fair, and life can sometimes be very hard. Life also throws curves when we least expect it. Change is hard. Change is difficult. Change makes us healthy.
Nikki.....................Is it possible that your friend is UNHEALTHY and she is afraid that you are changing, so she doesn't like your behavior anymore. Is it possible that as long as you were unhealthy, that she felt superior to you, or that she could SAVE you. But you no longer need "saving" so she feels that her job is done????
NIKKI, STOP, LISTEN, & LEARN......DAMN YOU THROW OUT THAT BOX OF RAZORS!!!!!!!!!! NIKKI PLEASE.......... YOU HAVE COME TO FAR TO DO THIS TO YOURSELF AGAIN....
Nikki please I want you to live....Please hon don't do anything stupid.....
I can't begin to tell you how badly I feel about the effects of my emotional indiscretion. I'm so sorry. Please know I'm sorry, even if you don't forgive me. I changed my post a bit. Indiscretions are an impulsive person's downfall.
I open my mouth when I shouldn't. It's not what I intended. You're a special group of beautiful people. Very special. I love you so very much. Please never leave the forum.
I am deeply saddened by your pain. As I search for some words that express my longing to know you better, my own pain rises through very being. You have touched the places in me that have been hidden all my life. As I struggle through my own **** to reach you now, I feel as powerless as you are now feeling powerful. You may be contemplating the darkest act that anyone can. You want control and now you have it, the ultimate act of control. It is seductive, I know. I played with that fine line before. To control my fate. As I can bring my life to the edge of the abyss, I can also bring it to the highest heights of existence too. You can too. It works both ways. One we fall, the other we climb. Falling is and will always be effortless. Climbing can be easy too when ones soul is light. Most people don’t know this. They think the climb has to be hard because all that they carry along with them. We haven’t been taught to pack light, but we can learn. So can you.
Please stay on the climb. Sure the air is thin on the top, but the view is out of this world. I would love to share it with you. What do you think? Feel like putting your hiking boots on again, you know the ones with spikes on the bottom, that grip the icy slopes, or do you have them on all ready and forgot what they were for?
I know I sound like a page out a psych book. Fear of abandonment and all that crap. I can't see my life without my best friend. Nothing's important anymore. I'm so stinkin' tired.
You touched me, too. I can't forget you. I can't not tell you how incredible you are. I'm still wearing boots. They're a part of my body. I just don't want to keep climbing alone. I'm scared to death of losing a friend. What's the point without at least one bond? I'm so sorry about my first post. I should've played it cool like I do in real life. Now I have regrets connected with people I can't even see.
Doctors make you hang on for your friends and family. What worth is there in the life of one person who's ready to let go? Only the worth others hang onto. They hang on, and it makes this all the more difficult.
People change, and those around us DON'T like it......Could it be that because YOU are changing that your friend is upset???? Could it be that she feels that YOU may out grow her??? Could it be that she feels that YOU are leaving her behind and she no longer has a NEED to be in your life???
I don't know what to tell you now. I already regret saying anything in the first place. I changed that post a bit. But you and ICC already read it. That's my thorn. What somebody doesn't know won't hurt them. So I'm a freakin' idiot to have said anything. No one outside cyber world knows a thing. I never post 'guess what?' signs. I gave away some things last night, to my mom and sister. Nothing big. That's a giveaway.
Damn it, Sid. I love you. And I'm really empty and crying my eyes out. I'm losing a pillar. And I'm falling down.
You are crying and mourning the loss of something and someone. It's normal. You also came here LOOKING for HELP.....That's why you logged on. I am here. I will help as much as I can OK??
I don't want help. I'm ANGRY that there are people in my life that care about me. Again, that makes me an a**. They're holding me back. This would be so much easier if I had no one at all. I wouldn't have posted if I didn't care about my friends on this board. I care about YOU. Everyone. The people who have to make an ID and look at my room and take care of my cat! I'm stuck. But I'm unsticking. I've got to make things ok with my sister and best friend first. First.
So what you are saying is that you are going to commit suicide????? That you have thought this through and this is the way out???? That because you are tired you choose to lose?
Ok well what can I say, do you want me to scream at you, love you try and talk you out of it. WHAT DO YOU WANT NIKKI???????
Damn you if I could get my hands on you right now I would beat the crap out of you, shake the S*** out of you, slap you silly, the hug you.......Please Nikki, I love you are CARE deeply about you. Please we can work through this.....
Damn you if I could get my hands on you right now I would beat the crap out of you, shake the S*** out of you, slap you silly, the hug you.......Please Nikki, I love you are CARE deeply about you. Please we can work through this.....
I wish you were here. I don't know what to say. My eyes are full of tears and I'm so glad you care but I'm in this fog, this stupid fog, and I don't have a place to go.
Ok, then tell me WHY YOU feel she is brushing you off...
We don't do stuff much anymore. She calls less. Has less to say. Rarely invites me over. When I call, it seems to be an intrusion. When I don't call, I don't usually get a call, unless it's how did you cook that steak I liked so much or she just wants to hear my voice before she goes to sleep. Occasionally she visits for a couple of hours. I'm her stability, like a big sister. I've always been that way, but we've also been friends. We don't feel like friends anymore.
Did you read back a couple of post where i talk about when YOU change, people don't like it. They feel that YOU are leaving them. No one likes change Nikki, especially the people that KNOW us the best. They think that we are outgrowing them. That they are NOT NEEDED anymore. It may be that she FEELS abandoned from YOU.......
Talk to me. Sid will be here with her "bat" at any moment. Cry, scream, be angry, be sad but please don't do it alone. Let us cry with you.
Life isn't fair, and life can sometimes be very hard. Life also throws curves when we least expect it. Change is hard. Change is difficult. Change makes us healthy. 
