After many years of feeling like I'm living in hell, I finally saw a psychiatrist. Between my doctor and shrink they couldn't decide if its Borderline personality disorder or bi-polar disorder. Because of that I was put on Effexor, Depakote and a monsterous dose of Seroquel (500 mg a day) However, neither of these doctors questioned past experiences or tramas. I have many.
I beleive I was molested when I was a young child by a family member. However, I didn't start getting these flaskbacks until I was 17.
At the age of 17 I was raped. I couldn't face trial so I let him plead out and he spent 4 years in jail.
At the age of 19, my friends' son died in a freak accident. He was only 3. I have children now, and I think about her little boy all day long. I have so many triggers about it, and I am so fearful for my own children. To make matters worse with that issue, my son shares a birthday with her son.
A friend of mine died when I was 18 from cancer. That really shock me becuase she was young. I still cannot go back to the place that I last saw her.
After my rapist got out of jail, things got out of control. I moved 3000 miles away because I was so afraid of running into him. I got pretty heavily involved with rx. medication. I went to rehab for that. I do obsessive things like check the megans law website to make sure he is still in that state.
I don't know what to think. My biggest question is, I can talk about these incidents except the childhood molestation. I do completely disassociate myself though when I do. I feel like I'm telling a story I read or something I heard... not something that happened to me. Is that normal? Everything I've read about PTSD says that the person cannot talk about it.
Do you think its even possible for me to have PTSD and not borderline or bi-polar? I read that often PTSD people are mis-diagnoised with these other illnesses.
Finally, Its been years since these things have happened. I'm 26 now, so doing the math, its roughly 6 -9 years ago. But, I'm not okay. I don't have nightmares, becuase I don't sleep. But I think about these incidents and have flashbacks and I avoid certain things.
anyway, any opinions would be very appriciated.
Because I too was molested, I would have to say that you probably do have PTSD. I am NOT a Dr or shrink, so you need to be re-evaluated by one. I would suggest that you find a qualified PTSD specialist/ therapist. It's also possible to have duel diagnosis too......Bi-polar, and PTSD. One other person on the board has it too. I'm not sure if she is around, or in the hospital right now getting meds under control. She would be great for you to talk to. She is a sweetie....
I never talked about mine until I was 41, some 35 yrs after the fact. Actually when I was DX with PTSD. I never knew what it was, or the crap in my head, the flashbacks... I just thought I was NUTS!!!!!!! I am open to talking now. I have learned my triggers, avoid some, deal with others. It depends on how bad they are, and how bad they trigger me. Some I can't avoid at all.....
I too went through the no sleeping crap. What a drag. makes for a very long day, and night. Then they all seem to run together. Sleeping would be a good thing if you could get some. It helps to have the mind a little more alert when trying to deal with things.
Hang in there.....There are a lot of great people here that will help you anytime you need it. So post often.....
Im sorry that all those things happened to you . I have suffered with ptsd for many years now and it does sound like you could be suffering from it also.
The first thing to do is to get a second opinion on your diagnosis.
If you are diagnosed with ptsd there are many ways you can help yourself overcome it. I found comfort in knowing that I had a temporary illness that can be cured with help.
Councelling can help as well as dietary changes that can reduce stress .There are also some herbal remedies that I found very effective in combatting the day to day symptoms so as you can get on with your daily life.
I hope you can take the next step and get a second opinion and if you want more information on ptsd please feel free to contact me
I think I'm going through such a hard time right now because I've had all of these other mental diagnoises thrown at me but in many ways they just don't seem right. I have anger, and I tend to blow up over little stupid things but I can't say for sure its a manic episode because they are so incredibly short lived. I know there is rapid cycling in bi-polar, but sometimes these mood swings will happen nurmerous times a day. But one thing I did learn was that I get angry becuase I'm afraid. I don't think its true anger, just fear. Sometimes I just think I'm tired. I've tried almost every sleeping pill out there and they don't work. A doctor prescribed me Ambien CR. The dose was one pill a night. I had to take 3 and I still didn't sleep. I stay awake thinking and worrying. The same thing happens with every other pill I tried. Like I mentioned before I'm on a very high dose of Seroquel and it recently stopped working all together.
I replay some of the events in my life over and over but with the exception of a few very specific things, I can't figure out what my triggers are. And sometimes I think the triggers I have are so irrational, that they don't even make sense. I also, like I said before, can talk about certain events and be okay becuase I totally disassociate myself. Its at the point where I begin to question what even really happened. Like when my friends son died, the wake and funeral were so horrific that I went completely numb. All these years later, I'm paying the price for that. The boy's death involved a ride on toy and he was hit by a car. I have a terrible fear of driving and I won't let my kids have any sort of battery / ride on toy. I don't care that I have a fenced in back yard, just seeing them horrifies me. I can't even go to actual toy stores for this reason. But see, sometimes I think that I have these flashbacks so often that I do question what is real. Many times I've had to torture myself and pull out the newspaper article or the mass card to prove to myself that I didn't make it up. I don't know how to accept that it happened, it was real, he was real and that I need to move on.
But thats how I am with everything. Each event that has happened has a similar story. Different circumstances, different triggers but the same agony of everyday living and constantly thinking.
anyway, thank you...
I won't get into your $$$ issues, as those are private, but most places do have sliding fee scales. I know that even that can be expensive at times, but this is your mental health that we are talking about. You know that it can affect ever aspect of your life also. Getting healthy mentally is the 1 thing in your life that you should put first.... NO EXCUSES!!!!! Without a healthy mind, everything else just turns to crap. Our relationships, our physical healthy, the way that we look at the world, and the way it looks at us. Mental health is #1...
Look into getting some help. Yes eating healthy might help also, but I wouldn't put that on the top of my list. Therapy, in combo with meds are the best way to go....
Delaney, so the doctors are throwing around all of these diagnoses and no one asked you about your past!!!! These are our mental health care folks!!!! Welcome to the board Delaney. Yes, fear can turn into anger. Did the rape start the flashbacks to the molestation? I have heard others explain how detached they feel from the molestation when they describe it. I can totally understand that. Many people "left the room" when they were molested just to survive. I have also heard people explain that they feel that no one will believe them because it feels like it didn't happen to them. Makes it sound sort of like dissociation. Therapy will help you to integrate yourself with your feelings. I agree with Sid, mental health is the absolute priority. You don't sound borderline. People with personality disorders cannot analyze themselves (I swear my mother has Narcissistic Personality disorder). If you feel like the docs are wrong they probably are. They are so into putting you into a category. I feel that people need to focus on their daily functioning issues to get better not be carefully put into some diagnostic category. I definitely hear your anxiety.
Hi Blue and welcome to our family. There are a few of us here in our 50's with multiple physical problems and some younger with multiple limitations. SId and Sannah are both right on the $$$$$. Your mind has to come first unless it is a life or death situation. When the mind runs out of control it affects the body in ways that you would not believe.If you are unhappy with these dx is there a chance you can get a second opinion? I am with Sid on the no excuses as far as therapy goes. It's not only necessary but mandatory for our well being and recovery. One of my symptoms is dissociating. I "leave" when I can't handle the pain, hurt, trauma. Have done so for many years. Haven't in a long time but therapy IS what helped me through that. I have to run but will be back. Stay here for a while . there is a wealth of support and knowledge.
After many years of thinking I was just crazy, I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. I wouldn't have been able to cope without my psychiatrist. I agree with the other posts saying this should be your number one priority. I actually went to three before I found one that I felt really understood me. If you have any reservations about the one your are seeing, try someone else. I also found my regular doctor was great for diagnosing general ailments like the flu, but completely useless when it came to emotional disorders. Stick with specialist.
From what you've said here, it definitely sounds like you've been dealing with PTSD. I'm not sure about bi-polar because I haven't experienced it myself.
Last edited by moderator2; 04-04-2007 at 04:18 PM.
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So sorry to hear that you've had such a hard time. Yes, life can be difficult, but there is always hope!
Although I have no medical background, I'm surprised to hear that you were put on so many different medications. Are you still taking them? Do you feel they've helped you? Were you sleeping better before you started taking them?
Although it has been a long time, I've also had some traumatic experiences (physically abusive boyfriend, witnessing voilence, etc.). By the time I was 19 and trying to live without alcohol (my crutch for a long time), I truly felt like I was having a breakdown (panic attacks, anxiety, depression, etc.). Then I discovered and started practicing yoga and it truly changed my life. Have you ever tried it? It's very healing and there are tapes available that you can try if you're unable to attend a class. Perhaps you could do a search for "PSTD and Yoga", I'm sure someone has made one.
I also wanted to suggest, walking on a regular basis...it's also very good for calming for the nerves and mind. Do you walk or exercise at all? It's the medicine that there is!
Finally, write dow your story....Journal writing is a wonderful way to unload all the baggage and heal from the trauma that we carry around with us.
Remember, every day is a new beginning. Continue to search for the help that need (perhaps a support group of some kind) and continue to get healthy for you and your children.
Best of luck and Namaste (A Sanskrit word in Yoga, which in short means: The Light within me, honors the Light within you).
Thank you so much everyone.
Elaine - Well, I'm supposed to be taking Effexor, Depakote, Seroquel, and a beta blocker ( no, I don't have high blood pressure. My doc told me that the beta blocker will calm me down) I'm currently only taking the Seroquel. I've tried to come down on the dose, but its pretty hard to come off of. I really don't feel that any of the meds really did much.. if anything for a while I was just sedated most of the time. So, I wasn't dealing with any issues, just numbing myself with meds. Which terrified me because I have substance abuse issues. I was in rehab 6 years ago for alcohol and rx meds. So far, I have found nothing that helps me sleep at all. It takes me hours to fall asleep and then I wake up wide awake every 2 hours.
I agree with what you said about yoga and exercise. I currently don't really do any exercise, but just tonight we went to apply to the YMCA for classes for us. (I homeschool, so I wanted my daughter to have some time with other kids and the swim / sport classes seem perfect.)
anyway, thank you....
Good morning all ..... I have to agree with the yoga. Haven't been able to get started yet but not only did my Rheumatologist suggest it for fibro but my PCP and counselor have both suggested it for stress, HBP, etc. Also I did do aquatic therapy for about a month shortly after injuring my back and found that to be more soothing on the mind than the body though it did help.
Blue.......I had one of my PCP's assistants when he wasn't in prescribe depakote for me. If you are NOT BP it will make you feel really out of sorts. Seroquel numbed me to the point that I could do nothing but sleep. I have the same sleep patterns as you do. Fall asleep easily but am up every 2 hours and usually up for the day by 5:00. I would just like to be able to sleep straight through until maybe 7:00. A couple of months ago I was getting 8 sound hors in but I've noticed that whenever I am out of sorts or the mind racing starts I am back to square one with the sleep process. No matter how tired I am, I still wake frequently. I still think you need a second opinion. Alot of dx all at one time.
HI Blue, and welcome to the other 2 new members also Babybee7 & sophiew,
Sleep is a must, and therapy.......I think ICC may be right about your meds, and I think that you are right that you have never dealt with your issues. Without dealing with them, they sit just below the surface, and fester. They interfere with our thinking, they alter our behavior, and they mold our being. ALL BAD!!!!!
With therapy you will see that you can change the way that you have been handling life in general, and your therapist will teach you ways to cope, and ways to deal HEALTHY.....
Anger management is a must......That was one of my biggest problems. My abuse left me a VERY ANGRY person. I learned how to deal with it, eliminate it, and how to be effective without the anger issue.
Keep up the good work , we will all be here to help you.....
Hi Delaney Blue,
You have a huge load right now - and you are homeschooling! Give yourself lots of credit there! In my very unprofessional opinion, I think you could very well be suffering from PTSD. Like Sid said, you could easily have a dual diagnosis as well. I have been in therapy for a while and have been diagnosed with all sorts of good stuff, but it wasn't until my current psychiatrist sat down with me and explained how all of my symptoms were rooted in the PTSD. It made perfect sense to me. I understand what you mean about the daily mood cycles, the anger, etc... I thought for a long time that I was just crazy. I definitely agree with others who have suggested a second opinion!
I hope you are feeling better.
Sorry its taken me so long to get back to you, I was away for easter.
The supplements I take are a natural substance called L- Theanine which is found in green tea. I have found it brilliant because it relaxes you without causing drowsiness and has no side- effects as far as I can see.
I would highly recommend you look into the L- Theanine supplements, You could look them up on the web or maybe consult your pharmacist about them. They are available from most health food shops and they are relatively inexpensive.
I hope these help you and you begin to feel much better , I never thought id feel this good again and I wish the very same for you.
Take care of yourself