Hello. I've been posting on the Depression board for a couple of months now, and have been encouraged to post here by several people. (Hi Sannah) I'm usually not one to just open up, and pour my heart out, but I've found that on the depression board, the people are so welcoming, and really do try and understand. So, here it goes.
My name is Amber, and I've dealt with Depression, PTSD, and anxiety for several years now. Life has been very hard, and continues to get harder. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed and depressed, that I usually end up caving in and cutting, or I get to a point where dying and death is all I can think about. And it takes so much effort, and so much work to walk myself through those emotions. I have gone through years of therapy, and next week am supposed to start EMDR treatments, which I'm nervous about.
Since I know there are a few on here, who also visit the depression board, and I don't want to be repetitive, here is a BRIEF outline of some of the things that have caused the PTSD.
~ The main thing. I was repeatedly raped from the same man, who is a friend of my family, as well as their drug dealer...starting out at the age of 11. Despite my family's knowlege of his actions, he remained, and still remains a "family" friend. I moved out at the age of 14, and him and his abuse followed for several years. He has never been prosecuted, although has been reported by several people, and has always made his presence known. I've moved 4000 miles away, and still, he was there in one form or another. I am now 12 hours away from where I used to live, and a few months back, we were told that he is living about 45 minutes away. The anxiety and the fear of running into him have run my life since. It is hard for me to leave the saftey of my house, sometimes the safety of my bed. When I do leave, I'm constantly watching my back. We live in a small town, so I just knew it was only a matter of time before we would cross paths again. This happened last night, and while I was with my husband, and he did nothing but look at me with the same glare that he's used so many times before, it sent my entire body into shock.
~A good friend who was diagnosed as manic depressive comitted suicide by over-dosing, on the same night that I cancled a girls night out. While I know that if she was going to do it, she would have done it regardless, if not that night, another, but the fact that I let her down, and sent her into one of her lows, has been incredibly hard not to take the blame.
Around the same time, my ex was trying to get into the police department. He began taking steroids, to get bigger or stronger. I had no tollerance for the drug use, and called it quits. Shortly after, he took his own life, too.
~My house burned down-completely-almost taking us with it.
~I've been robbed at gun point.
~I've witnessed murders. Cold blood murders.
~I have three wonderful, beautiful babies. My five year old, was born full term, perfectly healthy. At two months, she stopped breathing, and it was discovered that she had severe type 1 acid reflux that was causing aspirtation, and life threatening events. At three months, she had her first surgery...a surgery that should have been a one time deal. A mistake was made, and she is now facing her ninth surgery. We've travled all over the east coast to doctors, and continue to do so today. (In fact, we just got back from 19 days worth of doc appts. in another state.)
~We got pregnant the second time, and lost the baby at 4.5 months. Our next baby was born nine weeks early, and was sent home with Sensory integration, and did nothing but screamed and cried for 6-8 hours straight, each day for the first five months. Postpartum depression set in hard. This daughter is now being tested for Leukemia, bone marrow disease, and other auto-immune diseases, due to her skyrocketing blood counts, and also recently started collapsing, which they think is related to seizures.
Baby number three was born seven weeks early, and thank God, has been healthy.
It's been a constant, non-stop rollercoaster ride. Each day is a struggle. I find that I can no longer take each day as it comes, but each hour, each minute as it comes. I concentrate on getting through one minute, and then focus on the next. Looking five minutes ahead, is just overwhelming. It really makes it for a very long, hard day, and by the time the day is over, I'm exhausted--but can't sleep. I'm averaging about 2-4hours of broken sleep each night, so obviously exhaustion sets in, probably doubling the stress, and blocking any coping mechanisms that I may have had. It's really, really hard, and shows no sign of getting easier. And as much as my "head" is telling me to just punch out, and give up, my "heart" tells me to keep going. If not for myself, for my kids and my husband. So, I continue to hold on. But it really is hard. So damn hard.
I couldn't even read your entire post, I think I got through maybe 1/2 paragraph....WELCOME!!!!!
You certainly have been through a lot. I don't know what to say except that it seems that your life sucks. It does, but ( I always have the but) you can deal with it. YOU ARE DEALING with it. THINK about everything that you have gone through...........YOU are STRONG.....Yes it's overwhelming, but someone else WOULD have crumbled. YOU HAVEN'T.... You get up everyday and deal with it, because you are strong, and truly a wonderful person......
It's ok, to be sad, you have a ton of crap. It's ok to feel overwhelmed...YOU ARE.... It's ok to even be depressed. Who wouldn't be....Ok here it comes....BUT there comes a time that you have to take care of YOU. NOW is the time.
There is another member here on the board, Beka that is doing EMDR... She is going through some tough time herself right now, but hopefully she can pop in a give you some advice on the EMDR... It is a tough therapy. Draining, and full of wound opening. BUT......NEEDED!!!!!!
Stay grounded.....Come back often, post till your fingers drop off if you need to. Someone will always be around to help.....
Again,,,,,,,, Welcome..... Sit down grab a cup off coffee, and join in.
Welcome to the board. I understand that fear of leaving the house. I deal with that everyday. I cant even begin to understand that fear of knowning that the sob is just 45 minutes away...I would have flipped out and ran by then..but you are strong. Your story shows that...most people would have folded a long time ago and you are still holding the cards working through it...that makes you strong. I sometimes feel those same feelings about dying and burning ( most cut), but I have to remember the ones that stand next to me helping me fight the fight. You are not alone in any of it....the hands of help reach far and wide. Keep the fight going....
I read some of what you are going through on the depression board. Please take every possible protection that you can for you and your family. Including talking to the police in your area to keep an eye on things, and to let them know up front what's going on, even if they can't do anything......
OMG your guys, I forgot to fill you all in. NVD is in the hospital. Her husband came onto the website with her screen name yesterday and told us what is going on. It is the thread "Amber" by NVD on the depression board. She couldn't sleep Friday night and drank about three drinks and then took a few Ativan or something so that she could sleep and then she had to go to the hospital (which is really what she needs. She has been exhausted with fear about this creep attacking her again). Well, it seems that he did show up on Friday at her house but she didn't tell anyone until one day after being admitted? The police have arrested him and they were looking for semen on her. She really needs to be in the hospital and they want to keep her there until it can be guaranteed that she can be safe. They have her in protective custody. Hopefull this nightmare of hers can finally come to an end when they nail this #*$*.