head spin... - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

sammy68uk · 06-15-2007, 02:49 AM

Well I guess for every up time there is a down time... Something has burst my happy bubble, and I don’t know what.

At the moment I’m in a real head spin. There are so many thoughts rolling around in my head I’m not able to concentrate on anything. My wife noticed something was wrong last night. A female colleague has just asked me if I’m okay as I’m being very quiet and look down. So I guess it’s time to drop the pretence, this mask I’m trying to wear today and accept that I’m on experiencing a low period.

I don’t even know where to start with this. Worst thing is I don’t want you folks to worry... it’s not going to be anything permanent or too damaging. I’ve been here before, but what I have noticed is that I get this tremendous urge to unburden myself of the things in my head, so I’ll apologise to you all now for any rubbish that I might post 

I guess the main thing is that I’m being bombarded right now by news footage about Iraq, the Falklands war, Afghanistan. All of it at the moment concentrating on the cost in lives and the mental injuries sustained by combatants... It stirs up such a lot of grief... It’s been 19 years since my friends murder in Northern Ireland, and things like this make it feel like yesterday. There’s also lots of anger... I just cant rationalise how we’re still sending our people off to die, or even worse have their sanity destroyed and leave them to rot.

Another thing going through my mind is that it’s been two years since I was at the brink of leaving my wife. I fell “in love” with a woman I met online. I subsequently discovered that she had PTSD as a result of her service in Bosnia... We connected at such a level that I never even new existed. I’ve never understood or been understood in that way. The closeness that we got from sharing this curse was incredible. I think it was the first time either of us experienced that as an adult. Suddenly, it was over. Reality bit... The possibility of not seeing my kids crippled me. That was when I finally sought help. I couldn’t cope with everything anymore. Bang. The doc says I have PTSD... How the hell could that be ? What did I do to deserve it ? I’d almost destroyed my marriage, and lost the person that I thought would finally bring me happiness and love which I’d been numb to for so long. I’m so angry at myself for letting her go, and if I’m honest, I’m angry at her for withdrawing from me when I was having such a hard time, though I understand how for people like us it’s often easier to withdraw than to stay and fight. Why cant I forget her and move on. It’s almost like I’m stuck in this cycle of grief for a relationship that never was. I am 100% committed to my family now, but this is like a thorn in my side that I cant pull out. I don’t want to forget the person. I owe her a lot, especially that I finally understood what was wrong with me as a result of her, but I don’t want to cripple myself with these thoughts...

I’m also so angry with myself that I let it get so far with her. How could I have been so stupid to put my family though that ? I know that I love my wife. These days I feel it every time I look at her. I so wish that I’d been able to feel that way back then. I’d never have done something so stupid. Why didn’t I realise earlier what was going on with me ? Why didn’t I seek help more assertively. I once asked my doctor if it was possible I had PTSD ( this was in 2000 just after my first daughter was born ) because I was having nightmares and kept feeling very weepy on occasion... He told me it was probably a result of the changes in my life due to my daughters birth and would pass... I wish I’d pressed then. Perhaps I’d not have lost the early years of my daughters life through overworking and drinking... I cant remember her as a small child. That really upsets me. I used to see her only on Saturdays and Sundays... Often I’d be so tired I was little or no use.

Well, that’s enough brain dump for now...

Mark.

stick2013 · 06-15-2007, 03:04 AM

Mark,

We often relate to people like us with the same problems, hence this board and all of us here. We understand on a level that others can't quite grasp. I am glad that you still have your wife, and that your marriage survived. I for one wish that I could find someone, and have that kind of love. I have looked, made bad choices, and I now live alone, and don't date.

As far as the war news... I became a "news junkie" after Sept 11, but in the past few months have almost stopped watching the news. It makes no sense to me at all. We haven't won a war since WW2, all we do is get involved, people die, and we leave after the crap has been stirred.

Self medication through drugs, and booze is part of the norm for people with PTSD. You know this. I was a drunk. I drank for years. I finally got smart and stopped. But then you have to face your problems too. I did, not easy. I too have tons of guilt about my drinking and screwing up myself, and my daughter. We all make mistakes.... We learn from those mistakes.....I learned, just too late.

So my question to you.... Are you in therapy??? If not, I would consider getting a good therapist trained in PTSD therapy....

Hang in there....

Sid

isitme · 06-15-2007, 04:58 AM

Hey, we can be in a head spin together. I'm slowly coming out of mine and I also can't be sure what triggered it.
Whatever we did OR didn't do in the past - leave it in the past. THe first time I heard about ptsd was when news of the Falklands was on. 25 years I thought I had ptsd - and I only had it confirmed last November!!!!!
Denial, not wanting it to be like this, because when I'm not in a spin with one thing or other from the past, I am happy!!!!!!! Accept the spin that descends and rest assured it will disappear again. We all know that. We also know how totally c$&p it makes us also when going thought it. I've made many mistakes in my life which has meant my children suffered. I've shouted endlessly the last couple of days with my other 3. I've aplogized, but I know I shouldn't have been like that in the first place. Oh dear, I was meant to be supportive. Guess I'm still confused myself. I'll shut up!!!!!!!!

ICC · 06-15-2007, 05:07 AM

isitme.......I don't think you're confused. You seem to see things as they are very clearly. you're right .PTSD will always be with us. Controlling it is possible BUT not all the time. Some things happen that trigger us when we least expect it and catch us off guard. Time and knowledge help us to know how to get it back under control quicker, with the least amount of pain on our part. When you're triggered try to always remember , and say it to yourself if necessary, that this is the present not the past.

Hugs,
ICC

sammy68uk · 06-15-2007, 08:20 AM

Isitme, please, please don’t shut up ! Your views and posts are as valid as anyone’s ... You’re right. In my heart I know that this will pass. I’m already feeling a little better this afternoon and will continue to do so. It’s just such a shock when it comes from nowhere.

Sid, don’t you dare start waving that bat in my direction !

I regularly see a counsellor. At the moment I’ve switched to group sessions rather than one to one, as I’ve made good progress. Sometimes though, this happens between sessions. It’s something that I cant control so I have to deal with it until I can either talk about it with the counsellor or get over it on my own. My counsellor also does my EFT treatments, so if I find that I have days like this between visits, I note it and we work on it exclusively at the next session.

I think the worst part of it is the sheer overwhelming nature of the thoughts... They really do block out my ability to do anything else. It’s sort of like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting larger and larger as it does. Until is stops or smashes against something, it’s hard to get any other thoughts in there with it.

Strangely, I think dumping all that cr@p from my brain earlier was cathartic. It has helped me stop the thoughts in their tracks and deal with them piecemeal. Well that or the couple of beers I had at lunch !  . I kidded myself for a long time that I didn’t have a drink problem. I used to drink a lot without realising it. I’m not saying I was dependent on it, but I did use alcohol to control the pain and anguish I felt without realising it. When I visited Combat Stress, I suddenly woke up to the fact that from there it’s a small step to drinking more and more until total dependency is reached. Now, I’m really careful of what and when I drink. It’s an unusual week for me if I drink more than 5 beers. That said, when I’m feeling down and succumb to the knee jerk reaction of “ I want to go out and get drunk” I will drink far too much than is good for me. I know it, so I don’t do it... If I’m going to get drunk, I try to make sure it’s because I want to be and am having a good time. Semantics I know, but very important details for me.

I am a big fan of journaling, and I guess this was an immediate form of that. Besides, I value the opinions of people on here so I wanted to hear what reaction they would generate.

The tricky part of this is the way that I lift myself from the funk I’m in... these are the times when I’m at my most desperate to feel that high. To do something that brings the adrenaline coursing through my body. If I cant satisfy that craving it leaves me feeling lower than ever. There are still so many random thoughts running at the moment that I cant focus so well. There is almost a compulsion to confess things. I think that’s what so lonely about this disease. The urge to talk, but then having that taken away because of the lack of trust. There are so many things I’d like to say, but like FTM alluded to, sometimes the fear of exposing the real you and being judged by others is so crippling.

Anyway... back to work for a bit...