It Bears Repeating - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

Phoenix · 06-18-2007, 10:50 AM

Dear all:

I wrote this in late November and just felt it needed repeating. I am really "all over the place" between pillar and post, if you will:

Hello all,

I know that some are wondering what is going on with me at the moment. Anyone who has read my posts knows that I have not only psychological but physical issues to deal with. I often said that I have to deal with the physical pain before the psychological elements can be dealt with.

Out of sheer frustration and the need to feel "whole again," I searched for a few answers. This search led me to the Healthboards website and this particular forum with you beautiful people.

Since one on one therapy was not working, I had to try something different, so I jumped in with both feet. I began explaining my situation in depth and received responses that were extremely helpful. This in turn gave me comfort enough to want to reciprocate.

I provided advice and opinions to others based on my experiences and research I have done. In no way, shape or form do I mean to anger or confuse others but I realize that this will happen, as my wordings can easily be misinterpreted and emotions tend to run deep when certain topics are brought to the table. I want the same thing for others that I want for myself; a better understanding.

The reason I chose the labeling of forthemasses is because I am truly attempting to be there for as many people as possible, which in turn will help me psychologically; quite an undertaking, to say the least.

In the beginning I notice "overkill." I shared too much of myself too quickly and was not prepared for the feelings that were associated with it. I thought by "putting it all out there," that it would clear the psychological cobwebs but nothing could be further from the truth.

So here I am; wounds open and treading unfamiliar waters. Some days are better than others but please understand that I am still fighting the urge to "run" from myself. Painful, it definitely is and oh so uncomfortable. I am the first to tell others that I do not have all the answers but sure have a heck of a lot of questions.

I'm sensitive, vulnerable and so full of emotions it is really scary at times.

Above all else, please realize that I am human.

Take care and God Bless. Love and Peace. For the masses only.

isitme · 06-18-2007, 02:36 PM

I'd like to tell you a story. About 15 years ago, I presented myself at the doctors and was diagnosed with depression for the first time. In the weeks that followed the doctor inquired,
"You worry so much about everyone else. Where do you fit into the equation? You seem to have overlooked yourself and your needs and put everyone else first"! (Words to that effect anyway).

My point is YOU need time for YOU. Let others help you, please, if we can. You are a great person.

stick2013 · 06-18-2007, 02:47 PM

FTM,

I will say this and let you think about it for awhile. You BELIEVE that therapy wasn't getting you anywhere. Yet you come here and post your heart out to others. What do you get in return???? Is it therapeutic? Does it resolve YOUR issues???? Do you in return WORK on YOUR issues?????

In order to get healthy one must actively work on their issues on a daily basis. A person can sit and think all they will about an issue, but until you take action to correct it, it is still an issue.

You give advice, but do you take your own advice to heart????? I am not criticizing you, so PLEASE don't think that. You stay away for weeks, come back,,,,,,,, post till you drop, and then leave this post again....I am just trying to figure out WHERE YOU ARE IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!

Sid

Phoenix · 06-18-2007, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by isitme

I'd like to tell you a story. About 15 years ago, I presented myself at the doctors and was diagnosed with depression for the first time. In the weeks that followed the doctor inquired,
"You worry so much about everyone else. Where do you fit into the equation? You seem to have overlooked yourself and your needs and put everyone else first"! (Words to that effect anyway).

My point is YOU need time for YOU. Let others help you, please, if we can. You are a great person.

Dear isitme:

I take time out for me but at sporadic intervals.

As Sid has stated, I will post, leave and return with a burst of renewed "postal energy."

It is easy for me to run from myself because I have done this for ages(so it seems).

I crave that consistency.

I am weak, tired, hurt, angry.............(you get my drift)

Being there for others helps me but it is not the total answer to the equation; I know.

I've got to strategize a new approach.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

Phoenix · 06-18-2007, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stick2013

FTM,

I will say this and let you think about it for awhile. You BELIEVE that therapy wasn't getting you anywhere. Yet you come here and post your heart out to others. What do you get in return???? Is it therapeutic? Does it resolve YOUR issues???? Do you in return WORK on YOUR issues?????

In order to get healthy one must actively work on their issues on a daily basis. A person can sit and think all they will about an issue, but until you take action to correct it, it is still an issue.

You give advice, but do you take your own advice to heart????? I am not criticizing you, so PLEASE don't think that. You stay away for weeks, come back,,,,,,,, post till you drop, and then leave this post again....I am just trying to figure out WHERE YOU ARE IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!

Sid

Sid:

Therapy showed me that I hurt just like I love; very deeply.

When I face myself in this "confused state" , when my issues become too real for my own good, I leave the scene.

This "flight" mechanism of mines is designed to protect my psyche.

I have self esteem issues to deal with and it really helps me to know that I can possibly add advice to a person's situation that will help; if even minutely.

Sid:

(Now comes the most truth that I can state here)

I am caught in a whirlwind where I cannot equate which pain is more intense for me; the physical or psychological.

I will share with you what I called surreal.

I finally took all of my projects that I was working on out because I felt that it was time to begin moving forward with my life.

I sat there, wept and proceeded to take a walk.........

The very projects that were the driving point two years ago.................

looked greek to me!

I searched and searched for that spark of fire that can begin to illuminate my mind and nothing happenned.

My non-profit organization to help students of all ages, the children's books and my various other projects provided me no emotional value at all.

I realized then that I have become so bitter about the very things that I have no control over.

That person began a crusade against all wrongdoers until it blew a proverbial gasket in my mind.

I am a good person and I want to help others.

Here's an example:

XXXXXXXX insurance company sends me a letter stating that I asked for reimbursement of my medication co-payments.

Just seeing that letter brought back every negative feeling about that particular company and it bothered me for a mere letter to have such an effect on me.

I went to my attorney's office and explained that I sent them no such letter for compensation. They proceeded to tell me that they might have and I shouldn't worry about it.

I almost told the paralegal off; almost , mind you.

I left there drained because I was told that the other insurance company has anwered the lawsuit complaint and that I should be expected to come in by the end of this week.

This is what I was fighting for but it gives gives me no satisfaction at all.

I provide advice because I am a caring, giving, compassionate person.

I relate to the hurt and anguish on so many levels that I actually empathize also.

I just want my life to have meaning to me again.

I don't even know if this explains much but I tried.

It's not easy for me (or anyone, I guess).

Take care
God Bless
FTM