Rambling thoughts... - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

sammy68uk · 06-21-2007, 03:06 AM

Don’t know where I ‘m gonna go with this post folks, so indulge me ! I ‘m just airing some thoughts... If I don’t set them down I’ll get to the point where they run round and round inside my head. It’s been a strange few weeks for me... I feel pretty empty at the moment and I’m trying to work out why...

Only thing I can think of so far is that recently my counsellor said she didn’t need to see me for one to ones any more. She feel’s I’m doing well enough to cope with just group sessions for now ( great for the wallet... Costs a lot less !!!! LOL ) This week my welfare officer from Combat Stress and I agreed that I didn’t need any more home visits from them... Great progress !

The thing is, I feel kind of lost now. Combat Stress in particular have been a rock for me since I broke down in 2005... They were there for me and showed me I wasn’t alone and that there was a way out of the hole I was in.

I guess the support I got from them was more valuable to me than just on a clinical level... Perhaps it’s an emotional support as well ? Thank God for you folks and the friends I’ve made elsewhere on the internet.

I don’t want to take people’s energy away from the really important posts that are going on right now... This is just some self indulgent, self pitying over-thinking about my position right now. Perhaps I’m wondering if I still “belong” now that people are telling me I’m doing better... *shrugs* The mind is a funny thing... Anyone who didn’t know me would think I’m doing good... Family, good job, house... all the trappings of “normality”. I’ve had this support for a while now, and perhaps I’m worrying about how I’ll do without it ? Perhaps it’s that I feel a fraud. How come I’ve got these things when others have lost so much. I’ve got a friend with PTSD / Gulf War Syndrome, and he’s got nothing... Apart from early stage sclirosis of the liver and a council flat to sit in 24x7.... Is it wrong to think “I’m glad that’s not me” ? I remember thinking that pretty shortly after my friend got murdered... Maybe I’m not a good person.

OMG that’s some serious rambling. I’ll leave it at that for now. Need to take my own advice and come back to the here and now. Lets see... Yep. I can feel my back against the chair, and my feet on the floor ! LOL

Hope everyone is okay.

Mark

stick2013 · 06-21-2007, 03:14 AM

Mark,

I know how you feel.....Glad that you have "graduated" from therapy, but, CRAP what do I do now? Been there done that. It will take you awhile to get over the feeling of talking those first few steps alone, but you will..... Our therapist can sometimes feel like our life line, the other half of our sanity, and when they leave it's like they took that away. Your just feeling, yes, a little lost right now, but you really aren't.

You are such an inspiration here. You have such a wonderful way with words, and you do help so much.......

I think that you should celebrate, have a graduation party... Celebrate the fact that there is LIFE after PTSD!!!!!!

Way to go guy.... I am so happy for you....

Hugs,

Sid

Phoenix · 06-21-2007, 04:36 AM

Dear Mark:

You know that I am no stranger to thoughts running around in my head, so I fully understand the need to air them out.

I couldn't help notice that on another thread, you shared a few "tense moments."

Have you shared this with the therapist?

Could the lost feeling represent unfinished business that requires attention?

The feeling of relief that it wasn't you could be a mechanism imbedded in your survival instinct.

There is nothing wrong with feeling saddened on one extreme and yet putting your life into perspective on the other.

Take away people's energy; that's a misconception.

As of late, there has been enough energy generating through this board alone that would give solar power a run for its' money

.

If you feel that i'm way off base, please let me know.

Take care
God Bless
Ryan

isitme · 06-21-2007, 04:59 AM

I can relate to all what you've said. My first post here was entitled 'feel a fraud', especially as there is no 1 defining trauma to relate ptsd to. It is human nature to see another less of than ourselves and think 'I'm glad that is not me'. THere is no doubt in my mind that you are a good person. Maybe it isn't 'lost' that you are feeling. Could it be 'freedom' from the past? I agree with sid, you've graduated, welcome aboard.

ICC · 06-21-2007, 05:42 AM

Hi Mark....I am also in aggreement. Graduating is tough sometimes. We are so used to one sort of behaviour and having support at every turn that when finished or taking a time out from therapy sometimes makes us feel sad, almost like we are grieving a part of ourselves. I went through this months ago. Very depressing at times. I was so used to stress, drama, etc. that when it started to dissipate I was lost. Lived my whole life in the throws of some sort of trauma, drama, hurt that it took me a little while to get used to the calm. Enjoy!! You deserve it.

Grasshopper