self-destruct

dont judge, sometimes listening is all you can do. i dont want more. i dont write for pity, or for tears. i dont write to draw attention, i dont write to be noticed. i write because it keeps my hands occupied. it keeps scars from being riped open, and it keeps new ones from being formed. its not like its uncommon, but its also not like you see it on everybody. my pants are long and shirts cover. not because i am ashamed but because i dont want to explain. why should people need to know. its my body. and it hasnt killed me so it cant be that bad. i dont do it to feel. i feel a lot. mostly bad, but i feel. i dont claim to be numb. i take it out on me because i blame myself for letting it happen. i guess its a way of making me pay. everyone says "it wasnt your fault" but i feel like it is, and this makes it better. i dont need a doctor to look at it and ask what happened, they know.

so why all the questions. are they just asking for a lie, its not something that most people go around advertising. but sometimes i just want to scream. look at them. see my arms thats not the worst! you should see my legs or stomach!! but the why isnt that easy. pain, guilt, numbness, boredum, anger, hurt, but the why doenst really matter. its gotten to the point where i cant stop. i thought i was better but apparently not. but in the big scheme of things it seems so unimportant. i mean people are dying of AIDS and cancer. who cares that i cant deal with my feelings or the past, or for that matter the present. you can pump me full of drugs but nothing takes away memories. and its gotten to the point where i dont even think the drugs work anymore. so now theres a new one. a new drug. i wonder what else i can take. i just want it to go away. im sick of looking at them, and thinking what the hell have i done. but in the moment it just seems right. if only for a moment it makes the pain go away. well it does for me.

i sleep thought the day so i dont have to think. i sleep at night to keep busy. i live in the past. if i can go far enough back, i can pretend it didnt happen or that i can change it, but then the present hits and i do it. so with nothing left to say. my hands will be free and let the destruction begin

so ive had kinda a hard week, im new here, about a year ago i was diagonased with depression, anxiety and ptsd. im off meds till thursday, which is perhaps while i feel so bad, but thats all i got
SD