venting - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

trg247 · 07-23-2007, 09:09 PM

The five words that I fear the most are : I will never hurt you : everytime this has been directed at me the person has hurt me in some form or another. Those five simple words set off every red flag I have and I immediately put up my walls. My parents: we will never hurt you but my father will beat me senseless My first girlfriend who swore on her mothers life that she would never hurt me decided one day that I was not good enough My exwife promised she would never hurt me left me at my lowest point and took our child with her. It is funny all of these people said that they loved me too. Love, I barely know what love is. To me love is an emotion that means you would be willing to go to the edge of the earth for that person, that you would be willing to die for that person. I love my child, my sister, my mother and my father. The word love has been thrown around every relationship that I have ever been in and for the most part meant nothing. I have said it to achieve whatever goal I was after and I know that is the quickest route. I have told women that I loved them more then I love myself, hell I love my mailbox more then I love myself. Does this make me a bad person? No, this makes me a small child who was told he was loved yet beaten at the same time, a small child that does not and can not forget that with love comes pain. You can't hurt me, there is nothing left to hurt. Everyone got their kicks in a long time ago, ************ abuse everything has been done to me all ready. No one is going to hurt me again and if that means spending the rest of my life alone then so be it. I will never hurt you, if you want to scare me say these words.

my head is in a bad place right now and sometimes if I unleash on paper it helps to get out of the hole. If I offended anyone I apologize.

take care
trg247

galinaqt · 07-23-2007, 10:34 PM

I think people just give promises too easy without realizing that person takes it seriously. Love has many shapes. I don't think anybody this day is that idealistic. People will sucrifice only up to some point, if they even do it at all.
Overall you can't trust anybody, or take seriously any kind of promises.

ICC · 07-24-2007, 05:05 AM

TRG>>>>>Being someone who has experienced what you have , including a mother who have hurt me terribly, I can sympathize with you. I think galinaqt put in nicely and honestly. People sometimes say what they THINK you want to hear and then when the time comes for them to up and tear your heart out they don't even look back. Very sad not to be able to trust anyone.

ICC

trg247 · 07-24-2007, 04:21 PM

There is that part of my brain that wants to believe people have the best intentions but every time the same thing will happen. I start thinking that maybe this is normal that when it comes down to it they only care about themselves. I am no saint I take a very long time before I will truely open up to anyone and use certain words that are not an indication of what I am feeling but what I think I should be saying. Maybe its me, maybe my emotions were stunted to such a degree that I am not fully understanding what is taking place. I just want to believe what people are saying and not worry about whether they are being sincere or not. Tired of being so guarded and looking for angles. Tired of relationships ending badly and trying to figure out where to go next. Tired of people telling me that they love me and in the next breath try to hurt me. Maybe I deserve this and I am destined to repeat the same mistakes. I want to be happy, loved and safe is that so much to ask hell I would settle for two out of the three.

take care
trg247

galinaqt · 07-24-2007, 04:49 PM

I am always trying to find fault in my actions and believe that people especially if they are older and in superior position are right and want what is best for me. I had so many slapps into my face. Unless you know person for a long time, you can't really relax and trust unconditionally.
You may be hurt again, may be you will be lucky and won't. That is like people live.