I want you all to know I am so glad this board is here. I've been thinking I was going crazy. I've been feeling pretty bad lately and hate to think others are going through this same thing, on the other hand it is good to know I'm not as alone as I thought I was. My 1st post on any board ever having to do with this sort of thing. I'm pretty certain I have ptsd. I was raped by the brother of someone I considered a friend. It was summer 1997 and I was not quite 19. I'm not used to talking about this and other than briefly touching on it I haven't talked about it at all until a couple months ago with an old friend. Let me tell you a lot is coming back to me. But a lot of it seems like totally new info to me and some seems like its not new at all but where has it been all this time. This is pretty scary stuff sometimes. Well, now I feel really terrible about a lot of things. I avoided a lot of people that were friends trying to get away from it all and not think about it. I moved several times and have avoided the area I used to live in. This summer I went back and walked the streets of my old town for the 1st time in 9 years. It was good and not good to be back. Sometimes I feel so sick to my stomach and I feel so down.
Dont do this to yourself" YOU didnt do anything wrong,Im a recoverd Alcoholic
I ruined 2 marriages and GOD knows how many Good relationships and now Im 63 yrs old I cant go Back ,You only have one shot at this life thing,Please be happy,its tough to shrug it off,get on your knees and thank God He didnt do worse,
Thanks perkybeerzoolo for being there, listening, and your reply. I wanted to say more yeaterday, but I just have to take things slow.
I spent much of my youth growing up in that small town. I have family and friends there. I completely shut them out of my mind, they were 'forgotten' for a long time and now I'm realizing that. I'd have panic attacks when I'd got to visit family and so I stopped going. I have anxiety at other times too, certain things set me off. I didn't realize it was affecting me so much, and didn't know what was going on. I've made numerous trips to er's because I would suddenly feel like I couldn't breathe or my heart was racing and skipping. I honestly thought I was dying or something. I can't stand certain types of movies that are scary or intense, I've found a jewel in funny movies! Really loud music that you can feel sets my heart racing. I still have dreams and flashback type experiences sometimes.
I guess I was trying to convey that I thought staying away would make things better and to some degree it did, but I still have been dealing with it. But after talking to about it to that friend that I trusted, it stirred up a lot, but it also helped me I think. I didn't mean I went back to the location where that happened, no way!(lucky for me it was in a location that's somewhat out of the way so I don't have any reason to be near there). I started remembering all the friends I had when I was back home, ya I was scared to talk to them at the time, but that wasn't their fault or mine. I was scared to be in the area, because all I thought of for a long time was staying away. I'm trying to slowly start participating in small enjoyable activities there so I can have some of that joy back that I had before all this happened, maybe try to make it so my memories of "last time I was there" aren't so apparent. I'd like to just forget that part and close it out of my mind, close the bad and bring back the good. I used to be so angry I would just think I hate that town, but it wasn't the town I hated. It's actually been working for me a little bit. I've been there 6 or 8 times now in the past 6 months (I live an hour from "home"). I have only had 1 anxiety attack in those visits. It makes me feel a little more in control of my thoughts. One time it was stopping in what used to be a favorite store of mine. That was good and I saw something I wasnted to get the next time I came to town. Another thing I've done is went to a movie. It was a drive in.I really shut a lot of people out of my life though because of being scared. And I hurt some several friends that were very dear to me. I've gotten the chance to see some of them, and even though I may not tell them all about why I have been gone, if I left hurting them I can say I know I hurt your feelings or made you mad and I'm sorry. I can still let them know I care. I think if I stop looking at some things the way I have and I try to see them differently, I will be better off. I didn't tell because I was scared I would have to press charges. I knew he had just gotten out of prison and I feared whether he was free or not free because of his family. I couldn't send them all away. I found out a month after the rape that I was pregnant. He continued to be a problem to me throughout the pg, so I did whatever I could to avoid him--moved, parked at McD's next the the PD at night and slept in my car sometimes. I delivered a healthy baby & placed him in a good home, and remain in contact with the family. (That was and is hard for me too, but I just tell myself I know he's ok. They seem to be doing wonderful! I'm looking for counseling cause I could use some, in the meantime I'm just trying to take things slow. I don't talk about things with my family at all. BTW, I am talking to police there about my concerns and they are going to try to confirm whether or not they are still in the area. I don't think I'm being completely stupid, I just want some of my life back.
on the other hand it is good to know I'm not as alone as I thought I was.I'm not used to talking about this and other than briefly touching on it .This is pretty scary stuff sometimes. Well, now I feel really terrible about a lot of things.
First off Welcome we are all here for each other so dont be frightened.
Dont be afraid to tell us your story we would all like to know.
Here is the place to speak please dont just touch on it cause that hurts more
Hope this board is as helpful to you as it has been for me.
Always here take care