Re: Really glad to find you!
Thanks perkybeerzoolo for being there, listening, and your reply. I wanted to say more yeaterday, but I just have to take things slow.
I spent much of my youth growing up in that small town. I have family and friends there. I completely shut them out of my mind, they were 'forgotten' for a long time and now I'm realizing that. I'd have panic attacks when I'd got to visit family and so I stopped going. I have anxiety at other times too, certain things set me off. I didn't realize it was affecting me so much, and didn't know what was going on. I've made numerous trips to er's because I would suddenly feel like I couldn't breathe or my heart was racing and skipping. I honestly thought I was dying or something. I can't stand certain types of movies that are scary or intense, I've found a jewel in funny movies! Really loud music that you can feel sets my heart racing. I still have dreams and flashback type experiences sometimes.
I guess I was trying to convey that I thought staying away would make things better and to some degree it did, but I still have been dealing with it. But after talking to about it to that friend that I trusted, it stirred up a lot, but it also helped me I think. I didn't mean I went back to the location where that happened, no way!(lucky for me it was in a location that's somewhat out of the way so I don't have any reason to be near there). I started remembering all the friends I had when I was back home, ya I was scared to talk to them at the time, but that wasn't their fault or mine. I was scared to be in the area, because all I thought of for a long time was staying away. I'm trying to slowly start participating in small enjoyable activities there so I can have some of that joy back that I had before all this happened, maybe try to make it so my memories of "last time I was there" aren't so apparent. I'd like to just forget that part and close it out of my mind, close the bad and bring back the good. I used to be so angry I would just think I hate that town, but it wasn't the town I hated. It's actually been working for me a little bit. I've been there 6 or 8 times now in the past 6 months (I live an hour from "home"). I have only had 1 anxiety attack in those visits. It makes me feel a little more in control of my thoughts. One time it was stopping in what used to be a favorite store of mine. That was good and I saw something I wasnted to get the next time I came to town. Another thing I've done is went to a movie. It was a drive in.I really shut a lot of people out of my life though because of being scared. And I hurt some several friends that were very dear to me. I've gotten the chance to see some of them, and even though I may not tell them all about why I have been gone, if I left hurting them I can say I know I hurt your feelings or made you mad and I'm sorry. I can still let them know I care. I think if I stop looking at some things the way I have and I try to see them differently, I will be better off. I didn't tell because I was scared I would have to press charges. I knew he had just gotten out of prison and I feared whether he was free or not free because of his family. I couldn't send them all away. I found out a month after the rape that I was pregnant. He continued to be a problem to me throughout the pg, so I did whatever I could to avoid him--moved, parked at McD's next the the PD at night and slept in my car sometimes. I delivered a healthy baby & placed him in a good home, and remain in contact with the family. (That was and is hard for me too, but I just tell myself I know he's ok. They seem to be doing wonderful! I'm looking for counseling cause I could use some, in the meantime I'm just trying to take things slow. I don't talk about things with my family at all. BTW, I am talking to police there about my concerns and they are going to try to confirm whether or not they are still in the area. I don't think I'm being completely stupid, I just want some of my life back.