Hi, I'm kind of new, have a question - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

captnanny · 06-06-2008, 05:31 AM

Hello all,
I've been a lurker on this board for some time now. I suffer from Chronic PTSD. I also am in the process of withdrawing/tapering off of vicodan. I'm at my lowest dose in ten years. One of the problems I am having is that I feel like noone understands me. My brain is trying to heal from the lack of narcotics which is one big thing, and as I withdraw issues that I had been using to cover up are coming to the surface. It's like all the symptoms are back, startle reflex, overwhelmed 24/7, frustrated and feel like I am being attacked. Not attacked by anyone in particular, just everything noise, people in a store, cars, homework teachers etc. It is very difficult. I am now entering the last week of my school term. There is a tremendous amount of homework that needs to be done this weekend and I flip out whenever something gets me stuck. This could be anything, the phone ringing or whatever. My mom is mad at me because she says I'm worse than I ever was. She has no clue what this is like. The other trigger is one of my finals is to do a research project that is to be visual. This is something that was in my past which caused a lot of abuse. So I feel blindfolded and immobile to even think of this. I know it's not the past. I don't think I have ever created a poster board, visual thing since I was five and it got torn up and I got sent up with my dad (sexual abuse).
Sorry this is so long, I just feel like I needed to vent and hoping to get some feedback on this. Oh by the way the topic has to be on a special education issue. Go Figure!

katlin09 · 06-06-2008, 04:52 PM

Capt.

Sorry you're having such a hard time. We have a lot in common, although I'm older and through with school days, our past trauma's seem to be pretty close. Does you mother know anything about your past abuse? If not, do you have any support person in place, a therapist, or psychiatrist perhaps? That would be my first recomendation...it took me until I was 38 yrs old before I ever told anyone my childhood "secret" and it's hard but working on it, seems to be helping a little at a time, each day, sometimes hour by hour, or day by day. There are coping mechanisms that you can learn to help you keep yourself in the "here and now" and not in the past.

I hope things get better for you, I know it's hard, but you can beat this.

captnanny · 06-06-2008, 09:47 PM

Thanks for your replies. I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist. They are very helpful in regards to what I am going through right now. As for my mom, she knows about the abuse but refuses to accept some responsiblity for the neglect and emotional stuff she did herself. I don't think she can see it right now. She is a very self-rigtheous person and went through a lot also as the whole family did with my dad. It is very frustrating when she thinks she did everything she could for me. I just wish she'd own up to not being emtionally available when I needed her and that she expected me as a little girl to take care of her.
Right now, school seems to be a major problem. I have an assignment to do on childhood disorders and the parent's reactions. It hits home, parents refuse a lot and then eventually come to terms with their child possibly needing interventions, ie; special ed. My parents refused any kind of help possible.
I feel like I'm having constant panick attacks over this assignment and wish I could beg the teacher to let me do something else.

zelda77 · 06-07-2008, 07:51 AM

How are you doing? Do you still remember me?

captnanny · 06-10-2008, 02:51 AM

Hi
Zelda yes I remember you. I'm ok, having problems with this whole thinking area. Right now it feels like I'm living in a constant state of Fear. It's like I'm afraid to show my work for school, let alone get it done and my mom has torn into me like she used to. She told me my problems should be over and let me know how much she had been through at my age. Yes it's true she went through a lot. She went through it with blind folders on always thinking and acting like everyone and everything is ok. The thing that angers me the most is that it was not ok,and when the neighbors saw and tried to take care of us, she told me that they didn't really care, she's the only one who can care like that because she's my mother. Why? What makes her ownership of being my mom? I just am still also withdrawing, the slowest process we can go because of the issues popping up while my brain clears. I am really not happy with my ptsd right now. Having a hard time thinking.