| fear or lack of confidence?
I am a talented artist, writer, opera singer and all around brainy woman. So, what is the problem? For so long, I thought I was simply naturally shy. I was the first to leave a room, I would avoid speaking to the guy I had an eye on across the room as if I were terrified and thus missed opportunity.
I dabbled in my talents, but walked out on them as well. Now that I am half way through my life, I am looking at my patterns in a new light and asking, have I been living in complete fear? Do I have PTSD? My father was a chronic alcoholic, quit work when I was 14 to stay home and beat me, rant, rave, and
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to this day, I still have not placed a label on it except to say...(after self education) Borderline with psychotic sociopath personality disorder. My mother the saintly doormat that never ever protected me. So, wow...after all my higher education...I wonder....now that I've never married (no I don't have any substance abuse problem)....have I been living in a silent fear of coming out to who I truly can be? I always felt a hand at my throat. I told a therapist once and after one therapist and the next, there was never anything solved at all. As if, who ever this man was (father) was inexplicable, and rightly so. What do I know? I have a feeling, and inkling that my so called shy, quiet nature, my tendency to withdraw or become a wallflower is PTSD. ??
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