I'm still fairly new to HealthBoards, but I need somewhere to go to talk. When I was 5-6, a family member sexually abused me. Through the first 16 years of my life, I endured through mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. Also, when I was 15-16, another family member (or two) sexually abused me as well. Needless to say, I have PTSD even though nothing has happened in over 3 years. I need to be in control of myself, to the point where I can't fully relax, or I have severe flashbacks and memory floods. If I try to relax, I start to cry because everything is so overwhelming.
I have been on medication, but came off due to side effects. I also went to therapy for about 5 years or so (off and on), but have not returned to see my therapist in about a year. Part of the PTSD is me having mood swings, a lot. I also have learned to walk away from upsetting things, only to hold those things inside until I reach a breaking point. When I hold those things inside, in my head, I can see how I would react if I chose not to walk away. At the moment, I'm relying on my SO to help me through... Since I can't just "dump" everything on him and feel ok about it, I decided to come here. Any advice would be helpful and welcome.
On a side note, recently I gave up my room in my family home for a friend who was kicked out. I don't have access to my music like I did before, and it's definitely affecting me. My music is a lifeline, it's something that can calm me down and help me handle things. Since he moved in, I feel like an intruder in my home (I currently live with my grandparents). This is probably a reason I've been very moody and emotional lately. When he moved in, I essentially moved out. It's been really rough on me and my SO because he tends to help me handle things and calm me down.
Locating a therapist that one can feel comfortable with is a task in and of itself. You sometimes have to build up a trusting relationship in order to share about sensitive issues.In order for you to proceed further, sometimes you have to revert back to the basics.
If you can afford one of those "miniature handheld music information storers"(sorry, not into brand name dropping), it may be helpful.
Thanks for replying Phoenix, it's much appreciated. I have a small media player that I could use, I have since gotten my room back so being back there feels good. I was with a therapist for a long time, but I wasn't comfortable talking to them and telling them everything. I eventually stopped going because it cost too much. Since then, my significant other and I have really gotten a lot closer and it's allowed me to share with him. It's a learning and re-learning process that it slowly happening. Thanks again for your support!