New & Scared - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

lauren007 · 08-12-2008, 02:10 PM

Hi, I'm new here, only just registered. I've been diagnosed with ptsd and major depressive disorder. i'm an ex-detective and have seen many horrendous things. i used to be friendly and easy to talk to, now i'm just a scared person that hides from the world and stays in her shell. i can't even phone my friends, nevermind see them. my relationship is deteriorating. even though i know that u uys will never really know who i am, i'm still scared cos i'm taliking to other people and i have made it a habit of backing off from contact with anyone. as i'm typing this, my stomach is in a knot. i know that i was a very strong person before this and the fact that i can't even do simple things without becoming scared and anxious makes me feel as if i'm a failure. i don't want to be like this anymore, i don;t want to feel this way, i want to be my old, happy go lucky, outgoing self. when does it ever get better? when??

alyson5 · 08-13-2008, 03:02 PM

I grew up in a very traumatic household. My father was a Lt. Col and he ran our family like a prison camp. We were controlled by fear. There were seven of us in the family and we sat around the dinner table using perfect table manners and never say a word at the table for fear of being beaten. My brother was beat at age 8 when his tooth scraped his tooth. This is one example of why we could be beaten. I was the youngest of 5 children and have had depression and anxiety all my life. I believe all my sibling, including my self suffer from ptsd. I have been going to a Christ-centered 12 steps program and it is helping me, although it has been very painful to go over my past. I understand the depression and anxiety though.

Sinopa2 · 08-14-2008, 01:44 PM

Hi Lauren -
I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation. I've always thought detective work must be very difficult; I'm sorry it was so hard on you in this way!

About 18 months ago I was sexually assaulted, and in the weeks immediately afterward, my biggest, most pressing concern was - when will it get better?!! I think I can sympathize with you on that note. BUT, I'd like to offer some encouragement - it DID get better, eventually - even though it felt absolutely interminable at the time! For me it was about a month and half of the worst phase (where I really couldn't convince myself that it would ever change) and maybe another two months until I could sorta feel normal again. I reckon the schedule's different for everybody... but I absolutely believe that nobody stays in that horrible place forever, even if it seems like you will at the time.

If you feel you can share more here about what you're going through, please do! Hang in there!

maybecrazy · 08-14-2008, 08:06 PM

hi lauren007

I can understand the fear thing - I seem to be afraid of everything, I didn't think I was still scared but I started to write about how I feel about things and just writing down whatever comes into my head and fear kept popping up in relation to a lot of things, it's almost like you are two people - one before whatever has happened to you and one after - and that new one is different and somtimes I don't like her much or even at all - but I am trying to change that - somehow you have to bring the two together -

I know that finding a good psychologist has helped me a lot ( he was the 3rd I'd seen) I know that I am in a much better place in my head than I have ever been - at times it's still hard and then I post here wher I know people will understand. I really hope you are getting some help and the hardest thing is often to push yourself to get help - keep posting here - there are a lot of supportive people here who do understand what you are going through - it's different for every person but we all share some things in common - take care MBC

lauren007 · 08-15-2008, 11:50 AM

Hi, thank you very much for your reply. I was also raped as a teenager and that was why I joined the police. It was a passion of mine to help and protect people especially those that went through what we went through. I feel as though I've let the innocent down now that I have resigned, even though I know that I have to take care of myself. It feels good to be able to speak to people that know and understand what we are going through. I often feel as though I'm an alien, no-one seems to get me and people often think that I'm a drama queen. It gives me a sliver of hope knowing that I have support and understanding. I'm happy that you are doing a bit better and I know that your situation will get even better. We all deserve to live happy and fulfilled lives and I know that we all will. Again, thank you for your motivation and encouragement. It really means so much to me.