has anyone suffered from Secondary wounding? - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

cetiya · 08-18-2008, 03:45 AM

I was kidnapped and held hostage for 11 months 27 years ago. I still am not over it by any means.
a couple of weeks ago I emailed my best friend of 39 years, spilled my guts out to her and totally got body slammed by her. she was angry that I'm not over this yet and told me over and over again to just let go, why cant I let go? I am so mad.

I feel so betrayed. I started seeing a shrink again and she told me my friend is not a safe friend for me right now. I havent written to her since her vicious email, and she has written to me twice, and I'm in no mood to talk to her. should I forgive her? I dont see myself confiding in her again anytime soon. has this happened to anyone else?

negot · 08-19-2008, 01:20 AM

I am sorry that your friend was so insensitive. I can't even imagine what you went through and it certainly isn't something a person gets over, no matter how many years pass. You just have in some way to learn to live with it. Again, your friend didn't show empathy and I wonder why. No, she isn't a safe friend for you right now. Have you spoken with her in the past about this horrible event? What was her response like at the time? I know that some people think that some painful events you have to get over, but what you are describing is so unusual and horrific that I can't even wrap my brain around it. I am so sorry it happened to you. At this point in your life, while you are dealing with the trauma of what happened, your friend is probably not the right person to discuss this with. It doesn't mean that you have to eliminate her from your life, but you have to accept that she is, for whatever reason, not able to be comforting and supportive of you. It is possible that she feels that she has given you all the support she is able to give at the time, after this awful event in your life and she can't be there for you any more (which I think is sad).

cetiya · 08-19-2008, 06:54 AM

well, after she called me yesterday, I figured I'd better deal with this now instead of later. I wrote to her and told her how offended I was, and how uncalled for her email to me was. I let her know exactly how I felt, didnt sugarcoat it.
I'm sure she is sick of my pain. ever since she met me i have suffered from something. two years before I met her, when we were 11years old, I had been sexually molested. and from there my life hasnt been too good. well too darn bad. I told her I knew it wasnt my fault that I was suffering right now and she could blame me all she wanted, I would never believe her. now I have to dread my emails again cos I think she will probably defend herself instead of apologizing. emotionally I just am not able to go thru a "break-up" of a 39 year relationship. i'm too fragile at the moment.
well, i have to focus on my new shrink and the trip into hell i am going to take with all the horrific memories bubbling up to the surface. i'm not looking forward to facing and feeling the pain. my doc didnt want to try EMDR with me, she said i was too traumatized to try that. thats about the only thing I havent tried. but she does do hynotherapy, maybe that will help. ugh. therapy. sigh.

negot · 08-20-2008, 12:44 AM

It is hard for me to respect a friend who is sick of your pain. Yes, there are people who dwell on the same thing year after year and can't talk about anything else and the friendship becomes about that. But, that doesn't sound being the case in your situation. A real friend should support you, in my opinion, while you are dealing with something this horrific and unusual. Maybe you need to limit your contact with your friend while you are in the midst of dealing with your trauma. You don't have to exclude her from your life as it seems very painful for you, but don't bring up your agonies with her as she is apparently not able to be there for you. Sometimes you have to put your friends in different categories, some people can be there for you and some can't.
I've had my share of abuse, a childhood filled with pain, abuse and neglect, so I can somewhat relate to you, but I haven't experienced nearly the horror you are dealing with.

cetiya · 08-22-2008, 05:14 AM

well, Leslie apologized and I am so relieved. i hated being mad at her, it didnt feel good and now I feel better that things will be ok again. maybe she will just think twice before she says something that may harm, unintentionally.