how to forgive abuser - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

Dee576 · 09-15-2008, 08:20 AM

how to forgive abuser

maybecrazy · 09-15-2008, 06:07 PM

Hi Dee576 and welcome to the board.

There wasn't much to go on in your post so I hope this helps, I don't know if I have forgiven the person that abused me - I have accepted that they had their problems which doesn't excuse what they did. I saw a psychologist and he helped me deal with the memories that I had at the time - are you getting any help?

There are a lot of different techniques that can help you deal with memories - I tried thought field therapy (That's TFT and EFT - same thing) and that let me let go of a lot of the anger, fear and desperation that I felt - it's like acupressure - you tap on pressure points on your face and hand - sounds nuts but it helped me even though i didn't believe it would.

I don't know if any of this helped - I hope so - this is a great place to find things out and to talk to people who have had similar experiences - don't be worried about saying what you think - like someone said to me once - you are not alone - MBC

Dee576 · 09-17-2008, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee576

how to forgive abuser

Hi MBC

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, I've never used one of these sites before so didn't know how much information to reveal. I have been told that I need to forgive my abuser, but really believe that some people don't deserve forgiveness, especially those that hurt children. My ex husband physically and emotionally abused me for years, and the relationship finally ended when my sister disclosed he had sexually abused her as a child. She had kept this secret for seventeen years. I had no strength to leave him before this as he repeatedly told me I wouldn't survive, was useless etc. I thought i had moved on but had to see him at a function recently and it has brought up all sorts of issues for me.
It's good to know i'm not alone, I hope I can learn from your bravery and strength.
D x

rosequartz · 09-17-2008, 02:48 PM

forgiveness is over-rated......you don't have to......

maybecrazy · 09-17-2008, 08:45 PM

Hi Dee576,

Good to hear from you. Is this a psychologist that's told you that you have to forgive? I said the words at one of my sessions, I didn't mean it and I told my psychologist that and he said that was ok - just saying the words would help me - that was the important thing - it wasnt to help the abuser - it was to help me in letting things go - while I still had all that anger and rage for him my getting better would be delayed - this and the fear I felt and the shame that I couldnt protect myself were/are all the things that I have been and am working through. I still don't know if I have forgiven him - but I feel I have lessened the power over me that the memories had. It's not an easy road, but I'm getting there and you can too. Only do what feels right for you - if you don't feel you can forgive him now then that's ok. Deal with what you can at the time - that's enough.

As to your ex saying that you wouldnt survive and were useless - he sounds like a bully - you have survived so he's wrong on that one!

and him saying you were useless is just his attempt to control you - you are not useless - you are strong - you left him - and that took a lot of courage - you saw him and you didnt go back to him - well done! I hope you are getting help and that you're sister is getting help- things like this are hard to deal with on your own - take care MBC