Hi, I've been reading on another board, someone mentioned about the above. How common is it with ptsd? Maybecrazy, I'm hoping you can hep me out with this one! The feeling of 'losing ones sanity' is so overwhelming. So, at the risk of sounding even pottier than I have before...........
Does anyone see everyone else as robotic, as well as feeling robotic themselves? Seems I lived many years in this state, rarely actually living in the here and now. I've just robotically plodded along. (I can even feel myself 'drifting off' right now, just because of writing this). bizarre....
I have never felt robotic, but I have felt frozen. I don't like the words depersonalization and the others because that gives me a feeling of being psychotic. I may be at times but really don't want to go there. Anyway sometimes I feel completely frozen, like I want to move but can't. I do remember feeling this way when I was little but now I just get that feeling. I also feel like I am crushed in beteen a brick wall. I don't know if it's a brick wall or something from my past but I get physical pain, can't breathe like I'm suffocating and feel like if anyone asks me to do something, I will get smushed completely. Does that make sense? My therapist says it is a feeling I had during my childhood. I have chronic ptsd and she thinks I must have felt that way. She wants me to put more words to it because that will help it go away. I just can't find the words. Maybe you can find some words to describe exactly what it feels like to be robotic.
I have never felt robotic, but I have felt frozen. I don't like the words depersonalization and the others because that gives me a feeling of being psychotic. I may be at times but really don't want to go there. Anyway sometimes I feel completely frozen, like I want to move but can't. I do remember feeling this way when I was little but now I just get that feeling. I also feel like I am crushed in beteen a brick wall. I don't know if it's a brick wall or something from my past but I get physical pain, can't breathe like I'm suffocating and feel like if anyone asks me to do something, I will get smushed completely. Does that make sense? My therapist says it is a feeling I had during my childhood. I have chronic ptsd and she thinks I must have felt that way. She wants me to put more words to it because that will help it go away. I just can't find the words. Maybe you can find some words to describe exactly what it feels like to be robotic.
You know I've come to the stage where I don't care what label is applicable/put on me. 2 years ago I wouldn't have dared even mention how
I've been feeling and if talking about it reduces the feeling, then I'm all for that. I know I'm not psychotic, up to date anyway.
quote -
'Anyway sometimes I feel completely frozen, like I want to move but can't'.
Yes, I can relate there. I call it numb. I get accused of not listening. THe fact is, I don't hear as I should because I'm so disconnected. I feel I want to move/do something, but feel totally stuck, heavy feet. It took my child, aged about 6 at the time to get me to acknowledge that I have these phases. I apologised for 'not being here', (ie, I'm sometimes here physically, but not here mentally) to which he replied, 'you're always here, but never here.' That is so sad and I've explained it all to him and now I keep touching him to reinforce his presence and hopefully MY presence in this life, the here and now. The robotic thing - sounds so bizarre. I don't see people as people. They are all made up of body parts, all buzzing around, (like robots, ants), going about their business, crazy when you watch a football match and it happens! I feel an insignificant spec in the middle of the giant universe, totally useless. I felt I REALLY saw my daughter for the first time in years the other day. Like - where the hell have been all these years, my own planet obviously.
I think that enough madness talk for now.
I agree with you isitme, im sick of labels and i dont care about them anymore - ive been told i have ptsd, (ok can cope with that) depression (ok wasnt scared of that one) and the Borderline - borderline personality disorder (hated that one thought it meant i was crazy - oops too late! ) now i just try to say they are all parts of me - broken bits maybe but still me
I can relate to the "really seeing" bit I say that's when im awake - it's like you are walking around with the lights turned off in total darkness and then someone turns on the light and you can see - hmmm that does sound crazy! but it is what it is - and im awake - but unfortunately i go back to sleep - sleepwalking through life - i am hoping that as time goes on the awake moments will be more and the asleep ones will be less - i think it's just a survival mechanism. - it stops me from feeling - so yes its a kind of numbness - and i feel i am almost sitting in the back of my head directing my body - pressing the buttons for - fake smile when someone tells a joke, or making an appopriate answer someone asks how I am - FIne thanks (instead of hey just teeting on the brink of insanity - thanks for asking ha ha )
I read somewhere (junk magazine) that when you ask someone how they are and they say fine - it = Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic and Everything in my life is screwed! that made me smile yeah i know i have a warped sense of humour - matches my mind! Take care MBC
I agree with you isitme, im sick of labels and i dont care about them anymore - ive been told i have ptsd, (ok can cope with that) depression (ok wasnt scared of that one) and the Borderline - borderline personality disorder (hated that one thought it meant i was crazy - oops too late! ) now i just try to say they are all parts of me - broken bits maybe but still me
What I'm fed up of is the INCORRECT labelling of me. Depressed, yes I was. But I'm not now. I know I have ptsd, yet 2 psychiatric nurses independently agreed on depression and anxiety. But I'm up for the fight now and thankfully at the third assessment, (CBT therapist) - she 'gets it', yet still in the beginning she labelled me as depressed, anxious, passive aggressive and low self esteem. The UK has a ridiculous way of doing things. After having a second opinion and not agreeing with it, it was up to ME as to what route I wanted to take, ie cbt person or psychiatrist. It's crazy
- it stops me from feeling - so yes its a kind of numbness - buttons for - fake smile when someone tells a joke, or making an appopriate answer someone asks how I am - FIne thanks (instead of hey just teeting on the brink of insanity - thanks for asking ha ha )
I agree, it's a coping mechanism. Yet, it is a useless mechanism, in that, nothing is achieved whilst in this state, either to do with the problem in hand or life in general. For instance, I can't drive when in this state, so it's debilitating me further. I think my brain has endured more than it is letting on to me. How is that for barmy.
I read somewhere (junk magazine) that when you ask someone how they are and they say fine - it = Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic and Everything in my life is screwed! that made me smile yeah i know i have a warped sense of humour - matches my mind! Take care MBC
I guess all in all - I'm FINE too. I like your warped sense of humour. It matches mine
I agree with all the labels. For me, I am working with my therapist on just what I feel, not what I have. I guess she wants me to really focus on why I don't feel. I too am afraid it was much worse than I already know. I am terrified of finding out how horrible my childhood was. But I think I would rather know now then be in this place STILL IN TEN YEARS FROM NOW. I said that before and let my fears and frozen self take control. I have to do things differently now. So when I feel frozen, my therapist says it is like I'm playing dead. I have to sit with it. I hate that phrase, sit with it and see what comes to your mind. Oh man, I run from that one. All in all I think our brains are stopping us from remembering possibly something that is too much for us right now.
I think when the Nurse called you passive aggressive it meant you wont agree with what im saying! and you won't give in! Nurses arnt supposed to diagnose anyway, they observe and report and leave the daignosing to the Dr's or psychs - the one's that think they know it all just really show how little they know. Glad you liked the FINE thing Take Care MBC
Hi Captnanny,
I was never terrified about filling in the blank that was my childhood - i wanted it back - i wanted to remember the good times and the bad - when i started to remember some things i realised why i had blocked it - im not sure now if i want to know or if i can take it - but my mind is not letting much come back - i guess it gives as much as you can take. Good luck with your memories and remember that when they come back they may seem like you are re-living them all over again - that's when you tell yourself that you survived this before and you can again and that it's not happening NOW - take care MBC
Last edited by maybecrazy; 11-11-2008 at 04:02 PM.
Reason: fix up my spelling mistake
1 - But I think I would rather know now then be in this place STILL IN TEN YEARS FROM NOW.
2 - All in all I think our brains are stopping us from remembering possibly something that is too much for us right now.
1- Yes, I agree. I hate being in 'nowhereland', suspended in time, yet want so much to move on. It's only after all these years that I feel ready to even contemplate working through the past.
2 - I agree that my brain DID stopped me remembering what WAS very painful, but now as time has gone on, I am an all round stronger person and I'm hoping I'm strong enough to actually work through it.
I go 'frozen' too. Seems a case of - been here before, don't like it, freeze myself mentally and it stops the pain/emotions. The therapist reckons I did it in childhood!! I simply can't remeber my childhood apart from critisism, ridicule and being very withdrawn, so she may have a point.
I agree Maybecrazy that my mind will give me what I need when it's ready for me to handle it. The thing is lately I can only remember bad times, never anything good. Like isitme said they are all sad and scarey memories. I am apauled that people treat children that way. It is insane to me so I tend to call myself a liar. I also have been having this thing where I'll remember something and have absolutely no feelings with it only to find myself reliving the feelings a week later but can not connect the two together. I always feel like it is something that someone is making me feel now. Like they are asking too much of me or everything is a threat to me. Why aren't these feelings when I have the memories? and why do I project them onto innocent people like my therapist and absolutely don't put the two together?
I think when the Nurse called you passive aggressive it meant you wont agree with what im saying! and you won't give in! Nurses arnt supposed to diagnose anyway, they observe and report and leave the daignosing to the Dr's or psychs - the one's that think they know it all just really show how little they know. Glad you liked the FINE thing Take Care MBC
I think I confused her, he, he. She expected a depressed/anxious person with low self esteem and that is not me now. It was for years, I'd agree with whoever said whatever. I haven't helped myself in the past. First depressed in '90 and have NEVER seen a psychiatrist/psychologist in my life. I've been dissociating since then, (or before) and been in complete denial. I can laugh now. I was so afraid of any label.
Hi Captnanny,
I was never terrified about filling in the blank that was my childhood - i wanted it back - i wanted to remember the good times and the bad - when i started to remember some things i realised why i had blocked it.
Nor me. But now I've gone though the past, from childhood, it has made me see for the first time the life I had from MY PERSPECTIVE, no one elses, if that makes sense. Prior to recently I agreed my childhood was OK simply because I was told it was.......but it wasn't, I lacked praise so much..
I like your sense of humour too, and I think I'm FINE too.. . . . . .lol
Waratah x
I wonder what developed first - our warped sense of humour or our 'FINE' problem? Maybe it's part and parcel of the condition?
Has anyone asked if this problem is surmountable? I'm hoping it is.
Therapy is bound to make you think more about the very distant past, childhood. All the visualisations are coming up, but no emotion whatsoever. And how did no one see that I'd changed so much, (from a non stop talker to a complete loner or maybe it was a gradual thing? Something else I don't know. It sounds so ridiculous to me that I can't remember, yet I'm sure family didn't believe me when I used to say that
My family never believed me. Everything I thought outloud was told was not true. I swear if my dad said the sky was red I would actually believe him and think something was wrong with my brain.
I used to act FINE, now I can't even act. I'm not fine unless I'm with the kids I nanny for. I love working for them but I do whine a lot. I hate that about myself. I get tired when they want to play. Maybe because I was never allowed to play, or have friends over, we always had to go out with my parents friends.
I wish so desperately that I could remember a good feeling from my childhood to hold onto. Maybe then I wouldn't have such a hard time believing I can get over this or at least move on.
My family never believed me. Everything I thought outloud was told was not true. I swear if my dad said the sky was red I would actually believe him and think something was wrong with my brain.
I used to act FINE, now I can't even act. I'm not fine unless I'm with the kids I nanny for. I love working for them but I do whine a lot. I hate that about myself. I get tired when they want to play. Maybe because I was never allowed to play, or have friends over, we always had to go out with my parents friends.
I wish so desperately that I could remember a good feeling from my childhood to hold onto. Maybe then I wouldn't have such a hard time believing I can get over this or at least move on.
What age does your memory start at? Are you searching to pinpoint the reason why? I know I am.
I suppose I basically believed I was loved because I was told that! I NEVER questioned anything, not in a controntational, aggresive way anyway. That's just not me. Yes, I've thrown the towel in too. I've stopped acting fine. I'm ready to confront the deamons. I wish it wasn't so hard though.
A couple of years ago, whilst on my search for answers, I thought so hard and could only remember bad things, my mum, sister, critisism, ridicule. It really upset me, but with continualy thinking and thinking, I eventually came up with loads of happy memories of my dad, pushing me on the swing and more. I'm very much like my dad, always there on the periphery. Looking back, my mum was the controller, my dad the faithful obiedient and I played the same role too!!! And my other sister bought me a pen. It made me feel so special, just that once.
My memory starts at somewhere around 3 or 4. I completely remember my dad and uncle talking about how my grandma, who had just killed herself maybe a year before was happier and finally was free. I took a butter knife and tried to put it through my stomach. Of course it didn't work. These are the kind of memories I am having now. I did yesterday remember one nice one. One day I got to hold the goldfish in the car while we drove to our new house. I felt happy then. The rest, never. I want to remember something good before I was eight because I am trying to see where my emotional development stopped growing. I remember another week long period when I lived in Virginia at the age of eight. It was only a week, supposed to be for good but my mom took him back again.
I just want to get through this and come out thinking I'm a true survivor. It is really hard and frustrating though. Neither one of my parents told me they loved me when it was for me. They said it when they needed something from me. So I don't know if I ever felt loved. I do know that it seems very weird for a four year old to constantly want to be taken away from her family and "saved" by a good mom, no dad just mom.
I took a butter knife and tried to put it through my stomach. Of course it didn't work. These are the kind of memories I am having now.
[BWhat a wacky thing to do, but please don't take offence, listen to this. I just couldn't comprehend,
person..........living.............has feelings
cushion.........non living.......no feelings
These are my new memories from childhood. I used to sit for hours, in a daze, trying to comprehend, I'm a person, so I should have feelings, yet I felt like that cushion, numb. [/B]
I am trying to see where my emotional development stopped growing. I've just relived the trauma I think caused me to have this problem. Age unknown. I passed my uncle in bed, he was ill and lifeless. I was terrified he was dead. I IGNORED HIM, I DIDN'T GO TO HIM. I WAS A TERRIFIED CHILD WHO WANTED TO BE COMFORTED AND THERE WAS NO ONE THERE. I PRETENDED IT WASN'T HAPPENING. I HID. Then when my auntie returned and found him ill, SHE SCOLDED ME FOR DOING NOTHING. I am sat here crying, as if it happened a minute ago. I've kept that locked up for about 30 years...........I don't know how long after, but I went on a 9 hour walk. It never meant to be that long, just walked and walked. dissociative fugue maybe? Remember all the weathers in that one day. rain, sleet, snow, sun, wind, cold, hot. But not emotion in me.
I just want to get through this and come out thinking I'm a true survivor. It is really hard and frustrating though. Neither one of my parents told me they loved me when it was for me. They said it when they needed something from me. So I don't know if I ever felt loved. I do know that it seems very weird for a four year old to constantly want to be taken away from her family and "saved" by a good mom, no dad just mom.
I'm gob smacked at what my digging has found, painful, but necessary to bring normality back to our lives. Maybe I felt unloved because she didn't instantly save me or prevent what happened from happening to me....
HI Captnanny, Isitme Waratah and enyone else on this post who I have missed out,
The thing with the butter knife bought tears to my eyes - it is sad what children think will "save them" I used to go to bed with my arms crossed across my chest so that when the angels came to save me and take me away I would be ready to be buried I remember waking up dissapointed cold and hungry - but that was life. I wish we could get those children and give them a hug and let them know that they will survive this and that things can get better than they were.
Isitme that was a terrible thing to happen to you - my mother told me once about being locked in the bedroom with her mother after she died overnight because she was too scared to kiss her - adults have a lot to answer for - I am glad you walked it out and hope you have discussed this with your therapist - As to being loved - My mother worked 3 jobs to support us after she kicked my dad out and i dont think it was that she didnt love me - maybe she did in her own way - i just think .....i dont know what i think - i want to think she loved me and didnt have time....i want to think that i was lovable and not evil and dirty, I want to remember some good times too just like you captnanny, I am glad you found one - I still have no good memories and only a few bad ones and waves of emotion that come through with no explanation - I want to reach into the darkness and bring them all into the light good and bad so im no longer afraid - but its not happening - my mind only give me grudging glimpses - sorry, I hope everyone gets to be much much better than FINE Take Care MBC
isitime and all of you, I do think it's sad that as children we already wanted to be with angels, or in a better place. Maybe that's why I chose the career I'm heading into, childcare. I think the memories for me come and go. Yes its nice that I have found one good memory. If I told you the rest of the story it wouldn't be a good one. But for that one moment I was happy.
I wish for me that when I get the memories, the feelings come with them instead of later. When they come later I project them onto the present; my therapist, the pain I have, work. I know realistically it's not them, but I can't feel that it is related to the past experience. Man, if I had felt these things when I was little I don't know if I would have survived.
My mom made a joke later on, the only one in the family who acted appropriately during the violent times was the dog. He would shake nonstop and when my dad came over he would shake so much he couldn't stand up.
My mom thinks it's funny. I think it's sad that she used to laugh at the situation.
I too think she loved me in her own way. She has told me that she did not put my needs first. That took about 25 years to get out of her. She thinks everything thats wrong with me is my dad's fault. Well where the heck was she? I think she put a blindfold on and walked through my childhood pretending we were the happiest people like shirley temple movies.
by the way, she used to make me watch them every saturday morning.
My mom made a joke later on, the only one in the family who acted appropriately during the violent times was the dog. He would shake nonstop and when my dad came over he would shake so much he couldn't stand up.
My mom thinks it's funny. I think it's sad that she used to laugh at the situation.
I too think she loved me in her own way. She has told me that she did not put my needs first. That took about 25 years to get out of her. She thinks everything thats wrong with me is my dad's fault. Well where the heck was she? I think she put a blindfold on and walked through my childhood pretending we were the happiest people like shirley temple movies.
by the way, she used to make me watch them every saturday morning.
captnanny, I don't know the ins and outs of your childhood, but I feel I have to say something. I am not condoning the fact that your mum stayed the length of time she did, but reading it hit a chord with me. I was the idiot, for want of a better word, that remained in a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage for over 10 years and yes subjected my son to the same - VERY MUCH UNKNOWINGLY AT THE TIME. (and no way would it happen again, if a retake were possible). Why - religion played a major part, being known as the failure, yet again, fear, x controlled me, knocked me down so many times, I didn't have the strength to leave until then. I had to get my point across from the mothers perspective, mine anyway. And now that I've been told I probably had ptsd from childhood, it all seems to make more sense to me as to 'why' I stayed. I may not have had a blindfold on, maybe a case of mild dissociation even back then and drinking blocked out reality also. That relationship came to an end 12 years ago, and it's only now that I can talk about it with my daughter. I still can't discuss it with my son?? He would also have every right to hold me partly responsible. I am sorry your voice was not heard when you were a child, just as I didn't hear my sons.
It has taken me a very long time to realize my mom was doing what she knew how to survive as well. I resented her for so long because she didn't leave sooner. The more I realized about what she was going through and her past. I guess she has seperation anxiety, I know she truly believed she could not live without him. I'm not condoning her behavior but I don't hate her for it. I forgive her because she was doing the best that she could at that time. Fast forward to now and she is a lawer helping families in the same situation. I think that is great. Sometimes I wish she had known then what she knows now, but then again if I had known twenty years ago what I know now, I would not be in this situation still.
(I can even feel myself 'drifting off' right now, just because of writing this). 
) now i just try to say they are all parts of me - broken bits maybe but still me 
yeah i know i have a warped sense of humour - matches my mind! Take care MBC
Nurses arnt supposed to diagnose anyway, they observe and report and leave the daignosing to the Dr's or psychs - the one's that think they know it all just really show how little they know. Glad you liked the FINE thing 
