feelin down

i've been suffering from what i think would be depression since age 12 after witnessing my mothers almost death when my step-father, or soon to be step-father, jumped my mother with a knife out of nowhere and stabbed her in the neck. i've never been the same since. things further back in my past have also contributed towards the way i feel today, such as my REAL father being in and out of my life for my entire existance, his on going struggle, to this day, with drugs. i actually haven't seen him or anyone from that side of the family in little over a year. when i was 6 my parents seperated, and it was all because of the drugs. the last i saw of my father was when the police took him away, and then i moved a couple hours from where i was currently living. i've lived in over 10 different locations since i was born, attended well over 7 schools, and never had the opportunity to actually settle.. until now. I've been living in the same area for 5 years, its actually quite impressive. i've lived with my mother solemly since i was a child, shes raised me to be who i am today. i couldn't imagine life without her, though she was nearly torn from me forever.

thats just a little background history on my life. its possible the way i feel today is consequence for what i've been through in my life.

today i am 19 years old. and over the past couple years, i've been lost at words, feeling like a walking contradiction, never able to do anything right. i'll have moments where i feel amazing, like i've beat it all, where i'll set goals for myself towards completion of high school and getting into a post secondary school, where ill be so confident in my abilities and feel like nothing could possibly go wrong. during those times, my mind seems to be racing, going through thoughts quicker than i can comprehend. my speaking will quicken, almost like im on fast forward. alot of the time ill develop a headache, and become very irritable. like only what i think and feel should happen, and any other suggestions just infuriate me.

then it'll all swiftly change.

i'll feel as though everything i was thinking previously was nothing more then a hopeful dream that could never occur.. i'll be shot back down to where i am, in the dumps, unable to accomplish anything in life. everything that i attempt to do for myself fails. i can't keep a steady thought. i'll feel like giving up on everything, i'll almost feel numb. everything around me seems not to matter anymore, like it doesnt exist. i almost consider death to be the only thing good, though i'd never EVER attempt it. i'll feel like everyones against me, like i have nobody to turn to, and i hold it all in.. telling nobody about these feelings..

and again it'll all change.

i'll realize that life is what you make of it. and that if i don't try.. how could anything ever become of me? basically. i feel the way, i think normal should be. but that never lasts very long. its a constant cycle. and its driving me insane. i just want to be able to function properly, do well in school continuously.. not be getting straight As one week, and then unable to attend the next.. be able to actually get a job. not hand out resumes once, then become completely withdrawn to even trying again. be able to reason with things normally.. not explode at the drop of a pin, exaggerate every outcome i encounter. its ruining everything for me. and i don't understand whats going on. i've been reading up a lot on what could possibly be wrong wtih me, and now i have an appt sometime in the near future with a doctor.. but i don't know if i want to go. as much as i'd like to know whats wrong, i dont want to find out something actually is..

its also causing a lot of problems with my relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. we're on break. he initialized this, but he doesnt want to stop seeing me. i know its because of how i react to things, i probably drive him crazy.. and i dont want to drive him away. hes been dealing with this for so long, and recognized something was wrong even before i did. i love him. i'd be devastated to lose him. i just cant deal with this anymore..

if anybody could help me, please.. i'm willing to listen to anything anyone has to say. i just want this to come to an end