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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board


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Old 11-29-2008, 07:01 PM   #1
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Location: Alice Springs, N.T. Australia
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03catsmeow HB User
New and struggling

Hi I'm new to the boards and I had a very traumatic childhood. However, before getting into that, let me just say that this board just may well be my life saver for me, and the support I need. I also find I feel so much better inside if I'm helping others so I'm here for all of you as well. Now let's see, at the moment I'm an American living in Australia with my family for employment reasons, but before ever getting married I had (I can't even say "lived") a very awful childhood and at the moment I am still having difficulties coming to terms with it. I'm hoping with your kind people's help and support I can better handle these memories.
To make a very long story shorter I'm a twin in a family where there was just my sister, my mom and dad until we turned the age of nine and then my parents divorced and that is when my life changed forever. See, I'm the less dominate one of my sister and I, and while we both took the divorce badly, I took it very much to heart. My mother was never the textbook mother from the get go and when she told us she picked the bathroom of all places, why I have no idea but that was the place she chose and she just said your father is leaving and you won't be seeing him for awhile. That was it. Then for the first, but not last time my mother put makeup on, dressed up and walked out the door without a second glance. See, my mother NEVER in all her days on this earth ever told us she loved us or even hugged us. So, that day she left without ever even explaining why our Dad was leaving us. Well, we eventually moved in with our aunt, grandmother and spoiled rotten four years younger cousin. This is where my sister and my life became miserable. My mom became an alcoholic while my aunt and grandmother already were. Money was so limited that food and clothing was very difficult to come by. My aunt, when she was drunk would become especially physically and emotionally abusive toward my sister and I yet leave her daughter completely alone. My cousin would sit and laugh as my aunt would break wooden spoon after wooden spoon over my sister's rear just because she turned the television station and there wasn't even anyone in the room. I would sit and cry hopelessly, there was nothing I could do. If I interrupted, I too got hit. If we weren't being hit we were being locked away in rooms as punishment for not doing what my aunt wanted us to do for her. My sister took care of me, she stayed strong, but I developed many anxieties, one being OCD.
My mom was off doing whatever she pleased. She told us that she had her life back now and she was going to live it. So we were left at our aunt's mercy. Christmas's and Birthday's stopped for my sister and I at around the age of nine. We didn't get any more gifts after that. We could have probably lived with that if we didn't have to live with a spoiled brat of a cousin, who literally got a roomful of gifts and we HAD to sit and watch as she opened each one. Our aunt made us sit and watch and then we were allowed to touch any toy she got. It was pure misery for a kid to go through.
Later my aunt and cousin moved out this is when I was fourteen or so and my grandmother got really sick. My mother was still partying and her drinking was excessive. My sister and I had no life but school and taking care of our grandmother. We had absolutely NO food in the house and grandmother was slowly losing her mind.
I'll close this up as quickly as I can by saying that I eventually met a guy at seventeen who I thought would get me out of the awful place I was in but after marrying him I found out different. He got me away from my home and family and then started to make me do things I didn't want to do. Things with other men. I later found out he was gay and he was using me as bait to draw men into our bedroom. He told me he would return me back home if I didn't do as he told me and I believed him. Later my current husband came along and saved me, thank God.
My mom died 10 years ago and at her funeral I cried, and I think everyone believed because of the normal reasons a daughter would cry. No, I cried because I was mourning for the mother I NEVER had from the beginning. The mother I will never have. My aunt showed at the funeral drunk and about destroyed everything, just as I expected, and now I just shake my head and wonder how was I ever born into such a family. Remember, I'm here for all of you as well, and thank you all for reading my extensive post it was good to get some of it out. Take care and God Bless.
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Old 11-30-2008, 07:00 AM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: OHIO USA
Posts: 17
grettle7 HB User
Re: New and struggling

hi your story is really sad. do you have alot of anxiety what are your ocd symptoms? i hope this site helps you as well as me. you probully need therapy i would presume to help with your past. i am doing that also. keep strong

 
Old 12-01-2008, 02:53 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 643
isitme HB Userisitme HB User
Re: New and struggling

Quote:
Originally Posted by 03catsmeow View Post
Later my current husband came along and saved me,
No, I cried because I was mourning for the mother I NEVER had from the beginning. .
I am sorry to hear you have had so much heartache. There are alot of issues to come to terms with here. It will take some heart wrenching digging into the past. Take heart in the fact that you are now with someone loving and caring. I believe my 'Prince Charing' came along to save me too, but I understand, it doesn't matter what you DO have that solves lifes past miseries. It's the having 'not had' that causes untold/unimaginable heartache. Stick around. It looks like you've found the right place.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 06:54 PM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 478
maybecrazy HB User
Re: New and struggling

Hi 03catsmeow and welcome,

You've had a lot to get through but you did it and you should give yourself a pat on the back for surviving - I am glad that you found someone who can give you the love you deserve.

When my mum kicked my dad out (he was sexually abusive) she didnt tell us anything - he was just there shouting and screaming one day and gone the next - although he did come back many times - one of which he broke down our door - anyway i just put that down to being my fault - its hard when a parent of parents dont give a child the love and protection it deserves - it leaves a scar - it changes how we relate to people and because of that how they relate to us - you dont say if you are getting any help with all this? are you seeing a psychologist? I went to see one when I was attacked and he helped me a lot - he cant help with a lot of my childhood things because i have blocked them out - but i dont think i would be here today if i hadnt seen him and talked it out - and you will find that coming here and talking to people who can understand how you are feeling really helps - so come here and say what you are feeling and let us help you to help yourself
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