When it rains it pours, it's horrid - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

captnanny · 12-16-2008, 05:32 AM

Hi,
I don't think I've actually started my own thread but I neeed to get somethings out, need to vent. Right now I am very scared, in pain and confused. I have been working very hard and honestly in therapy over the past two to three months. It's the first time I have realized that there is so much I have to accept about my past and drop all of my fantasy wishes of how I think things should go for me to get better. I started remembering a lot of things that happened but without any feelings. I realize that the feelings used to come later and I would blame them on other things. I didn't realize that they were what I probably felt as a little girl. It is like I lived in a war zone and the only way to survive was to be obedient and pray and pretend I was in a movie where there would be a fairy mother come and save me. Now there is no movie, this is my life. I still can't feel the past.
Now I am faced with surgery on thursday, major neck surgery. My mom is going to come and stay with me for a while which is scaring the bleep out of me. She had said she was going to stay with me for a week, then sunday she asked if one of my friends was going to come over and stay during the work week. I just went numb. I can't believe she did not tell me this earlier. I am having surgery the day after tomorrow and I don't have anyone right now to call to change their plans just because my mom is ambivilant. My therapist says she has seen this inconsistency with her before but I have not because my dad was even more inconsistent. I can't take this. I can't sleep, I am in excruciating pain and can barely move. I am going for my presurgical test today, preregister and blood type thing. I want to see my therapist but I really can't drive.
I am just panicking right now. I feel confused, rejected and very scared. Why does something always have to happen when I just start getting better?

craftygirl3 · 12-16-2008, 03:22 PM

hey! captnanny!

Do you have anyone else?
can you stay at the hospital, can your therapist help?

when something hits me it helps to examine my options.
I know you need the surgery. You don't need the stress. It will take you longer to heal.

I feel that you need to get yourself out of this before it gets really horrid.
can you reschedule the procedure? can you find some one else to help? can your therapist help you find a case manager to help deal with home care after surgery?

You are survivor.
You are not too stuck yet. brainstorm options.
When I get like this I go into protective mode. What are my options? what can I do to make this better?

hey, I just want this to be as good as possible.
You will know what is right. Trust yourself. hang in there. I'm pulling for you.

captnanny · 12-16-2008, 03:51 PM

Thanks for your quick response craftygirl. I have to go real quick, been up too long doing things I probably shouldn't be doing like the christmas tree and taking out garbage, laundry, etc.
As of right now I can't find anyone else to stay with me. I think what will happen is I will be in the hospital until saturday. On sunday my mom will be with me but I may still be dreary and droopy. I do have ativan if I need some for when she is here. On monday, she may go to work and hopefully I can get a hold of my friend who is off of work on Mondays and Tuesdays to come over and be with me for a while. Wednesday is Christmas eve so they would be over anyway, Thursday she is going to my sisters who is "in" with my dead. She refuses to have anything to do with me because I told. So my friend already told me she would come over on christmas day.
I don't know what to do. I just scared that she will keep my medecine and say she needs to monitor it and push me to eat more than I can. My therapist says she may have an unconscious urge to see me fail but at the same time takes responsibility for my sucess. She also may feel guilty but I totally don't see my mom feeling guilty for anything or place I am in right now. According to her "the therapist needs to do something to get you right." I just cringe but have to remember that is her, not me and her words are not true in my life. She has to own them because I won't.
I just hope and pray I can get a hold of my other friend. Yeah, I'm freaking out right now.

maybecrazy · 12-16-2008, 06:04 PM

Hi captnanny,

your mum certainly knows how to put the cat amoungst the pidgeons - I have a family member like that she will make arrangements and then when I really need her she will let me down - i know this but i still make the arrangements Grrr

I hope you have managed to get hold of your friend - it sounds like you have a plan - its easy to say but try not to let your mum stress you out - keep saying to yourself that's her problem not mine - you are strong and you wil get through this - ive been told and read that if you are terrified about somthing go to the extreme think of whats the worst thing that could happen and how you would deal with it - that lets you know that there is always a way forward - and then whatever happens doesnt seem so bad - I hate it when people let you down it affects your own self worth too and it shouldnt.

You need this op so you can and will get through this - post here when things are bad - it helps just to say the things in our head sometimes - take care and I hope all goes well with the op and wish you a speedy recovery.

craftygirl3 · 12-16-2008, 08:48 PM

hey all!

sounds like you have a plan.

have faith, you are so strong.

I wrote my family my version of a dear John, near this thanksgiving(right before)

all the family I have around me is the one's I have picked. it has been a long time coming. it is not for everyone. I haven't seen all of them but my mother for 20 years, and haven't seen her for almost 3(she lives a mile from me. the rest live in the states.)

I just had to give up on the notion that they were going to be different, or that one day they would care or act like they were suppose to, they never had.

Fortunately I have a great support system and great friends and My hand picked family. I don't recommend doing this, unless you have people in place to take over the roles.
I am a great person, I know this cause I have great friends and like attracts like. I just bust my butt, hang on, and trust the process.

please vent. I will listen.

cg3