Join Date: Mar 2008
Newbie - getting desperate
I've not utilized this board as I thought that the Self Injury and BiPolar boards would get me the support I need. But perhaps following in my friend Neon Dreams footsteps would be a good thing, as I need to learn some different ways to handle my PTSD.
I was abused by my parents, sexually at the hand of my father, and emotionally, verbally, and physically by my mother. ... She had him prosecuted and put in prison on a 5 yr. sentence. ... My mom re-married him 2 days after he got out and brought him right back into our home the day he got out....she was one of the overly concerned parent types. Who the hell brings a child molester back into a home with 6 children including the one that was originally molested??????
So, from that point on none of my friends were allowed to come to my house, because of my father being there, the taunting and teasing from neighborhood kids was almost intollerable, because my house was where the "Child Molester" lived, I learned to fight very well, and learned to stay to myself. ... So during this time she stays on my case, I'm always feeling like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm making straight A's in school, excelling on the softball team, doing my chores, keeping my room clean. I do extra little things to try and get her to recognized that I really am trying to please her, but they always backfire and seem to just make her more mad at me. So I finally realize that she doesn't love nor care about me, and I just try to stay off of her radar as much as possible.
Halfway through my 10th yr. my last sister who is living at home, ,,,,wait for it..it's a big shock...of course gets pregnant and moves out to marry her boyfriend...she's 15! So I am the only child left at home, I try to be just as "GOOD" and my other siblings were *BAD*. I figure my parents had been through enough with the rest of their children, that they deserved a break....yep I actually felt sorry for them....stupid, stupid, stupid!
It was shortly after this time, that my father decided that I needed to learn intensive "HANDS ON" sex education. This began when I was about 10 1/2. As I said earlier, I loved my father so much, I spent every moment I could with him, we were so close....I trusted him...so I never had a clue, never saw the monster that was coming out of the closet until it was too late.
... I hated my mom because she didn't know what was going on, and she didn't keep me safe. I hated her for bringing that monster back into our home. I hated her so damn much and I still do, she could drop dead today and I would feel nothing, nothing at all. She had to have known, there's no way she didn't. When I was 13 I passed out in a parking lot from unrealistically severe stomach pain, I had a bleeding ulcer...AT 13!!!!! How do you not know something is incredibly wrong with your child when they have that serious of a condition??? I was in the ICU for a week and on the med floor for another week....2 weeks in the hospital for an ulcer...and she didn't know anything was wrong????YEAH RIGHT!!
If either of my sons, stub their toe I know it just by the look on their face of the slightest quiver in their voice.
Shortly before my 13th birthday I had finally decided to talk to my older sister, ...
Unfortunately 2 weeks before my 13th birthday my sister died from drowning of a Grand Mal Siezure in her bathtub, and that too was my fault. We had been shopping all day and she wanted me to come home with her and stay the night, but I was being a bratty teenager and wanted to stay home so I could talk to my friends on the phone, etc. She kept asking me and I kept saying No. The next morning she was dead, I truly think that she "felt" something was going to happen and that's why she wanted me to come home with her. The one good thing that came from her death is that it finished off my parents marriage and my dad moved out completely, and my mom being the controlling, revenge seeking ***** that she is, made sure my father could only have "assisted visitation" at our house. ...
I met my husband when I was 17 and married him when I was 18 and in college, we were both in such a hurry to get out of our hellatious homes, we got married very young. We have been married for 20 years. My husband never knew that I cut up until the last year, he always thought I was clumsy in the garden and while i was cooking. During the 20 years of our marriage we have had many many difficulties to add to the trauma I already incurred. My 18 yr. old sol was born without an immune system. We had him when I was 20. He would just cry and cry and was inconsollable and nobody knew why. My postpartum depression was about 100 times worse than it should have been and once again my gyno was puzzled. When my son was 3 wks. old I had my first suicide attempt and was subsequently diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder w/severe suicidal depression. When my son was 6 weeks old I found him not breathing in his crib, I revived him, we got him to the ER and then he spent most of the first year of this life in the hospital. He was like a Bubble baby, he had only about 20% of a normal immune system, so he was constantly sick with serious illnesses such as RSV, Asthma, Reflux, Pneumonia, etc. He had to stay home at all times, could not be around people. He coded and had to be revived 3 more times by his first birthday and has been a total of 6 in his life. He's 18 years old and he's had Pneumonia 46 times. When I was 6 mo. pregnant with our 2nd son my husband was electrocuted with 12,000 volts and fell 2 stories out of a cherry picker. He suffered brain damage, broke all bones on the right side of his body, his pelvic bone, and both sides of his hip. It took two years or rehab. to be able to walk, talk, and get back to the age that he was when the accident happened, and I was taking care of a newborn.
I also have serious medical issues and in the past 10 years have had 10 knee surgeries, and 10 abdominal surgeries. I had my last knee surgery in Aug. 08, which was a total reconstruction and tibial osteomy, and will have the right knee reconstructed and tibial osteotomy done in May 09.
The Trauma's of my childhood for some reason locked themselves in my subconcious for the past twenty some odd years for whatever reason, I don't understand. Last December, 2007 they chose to "unlock" themselves, and since my life has been one nightmare after another. This year has been particularly bad for me, and the cutting has been well, pretty severe in it's intensity. At times I can go for a few days without SH, but usually it's daily or multiple times a day. It's been exactly one year on the 25th that I had my "catatonic" breakdown and all the memories from my childhool and the molestation/abuse became unlocked from my head and rushing up to the surface. Why, we've not completely figured out yet, my pdoc's opinion is that my mind had decided that I finally felt "safe" enough in my body/mind to deal with it...well my "mind" was very very wrong! So here I am, a year later, many many med changes, cutting almost daily, 2 severe bouts ending in ER visits and 26 stitches, 2 suicide attempts and 1 IP stay.....so much for my mind knowing what the heck it was talking about. I've been able to hide the cutting from my husband up until this year, but the increased frequency and intensity made it impossible, so his finding out was not an easy thing to deal with either.
The nightmares are so bad that I have spent the past few nights curled up in the farthest corner of my bedroom coward down in as tight a ball as I can get holding a butcher knife, so terrified I can't move, I stayy there and cry through one panic attack after another until I see the morning light.
So if anyone has any idea's I'll listen. My pdoc and tdoc and I are starting to work on all this....and it's making the terror more real and the nightmares horrific....
Sorry for the book.
Last edited by mod-anon; 01-01-2009 at 02:09 AM.
Reason: edited triggering passages