Hi all, Im new here and am getting desperate. Please read my story.
On the 24th August 2007, I became a father for the first time. I was overjoyed as I always wanted to be a Dad and now my dreams have come true. Then on the 11th September 2007, I was involved in a RTA on the M6 and everything was shattered. <removed>
My vehicle was impounded for police checks. Upon checking it, they discovered no faults. I even sent in an independant mechanic who said the same. It seems that I pressed the wrong pedal and hit the accelerator. I cant believe I did it, I really cant. Nearly 12 months later, I received a summons in the post telling me to turn up at court as I was being prosecuted for dangerous driving. During August last year, I attended the court and pleaded not guilty to dangerous driving. We tried to get CPS to accept a guilty plea to undue care and attention but they refused. I asked the magistrates to commit my case to crown court so I could be tried by a jury (something I really regret now). After 3 adjourments, I was asked to return to the magistrates court 2 months after the original date. They then committed the case to the crown court and I was given a date for early January. I then spent Christmas worrying about it.
Two weeks before the hearing (which was to enter a plea at the crown court) I was told by my solicitor that the judge had agreed that this was undue care and the CPS would accept a guilty plea for that charge instead. I wouldnt say I was on top of the world, far from it, but I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I turned up at the court only to be told that it was an "admin error" and that they were still going with the original charge. I was in a state of shock and cried in the court in front of everyone. I was then given a trial date which was 2 weeks ago. I turned up then only to be told that the judge went sick and my trial would be adjourned till the end of April!!!!
So, why am I here? Well, the panic and stress that I mentioned I went through during that accident has never disappeared. Its always remained, if anything its got worse. I cannot bear to drive and havent done so since the accident. I get anxious to the point of nauesia if I am a passenger, even on the bus. Im scared to cross the road!!! To make matters even worse, 2 weeks after the accident, my then girlfriend and mother to my little girl walked out on us leaving me and our daughter alone. She has never returned. She suffered greatly with post natal depression. I had to quit work (due to not only being a single parent but because I couldnt bare to drive anymore). I went bankrupt, lost our beautiful home and everything I had worked so hard to get. Then it took 4 months to get any benefits as my ex had already began a claim for child benefit before she left and hadnt cancelled it. This had a knock on effect with everything else. The charge itself hit me for six. I couldnt believe they were doing this, its been like a witch hunt. Unrelentless!!! All the adjournments have felt like torture and the last two have felt like theyve tormented me. I barely sleep but when I do the quality of sleep isnt good. There hasnt been a day that I havent had some kind of flashback or negative emotion about the accident. I feel so broken. I feel like ive let my daughter down because I had so many plans for us. I feel like i let her mom down because i may have spotted her depression if i wasnt so self obsesssed.
I went to see the doctor last September and he diagnosed me with post traumatic stress and depression. He refferred me to a CPN. We talked about everything and even came to a fact that I never got over or even attempted to deal with past problems which are obviously still having a huge impact on my life. I was in the RAF for a number of years and witnessed and went through many many things that I just put to the back of my head because it was easier to do. After several months, she decided to get me assessed by a doctor at the local mental health team. I went there today and answered lots of questions. He then began trivialising it all, telling me that it was obvious that the past problems werent effecting me as in between those moments and the accident, I had carried on with my life normally. How can he come to that conclusion after 10 minutes? He knew nothing other than what hobbies I had and that my parents are still alive! I protested and he then said he would refer me but he doubts that I will be seen within 12 months. He went on to blame the goverment for cut backs. 12 months?? Ill be in a straight jacket by then!!!
As for support? I love my mom but she is beginning to get me down as well. Its always about how its effecting her. Its like emotional blackmail. Im always being told how this is affecting her. It always ends up me feeling bad for her. Ive gone as far now that I dont tell her how I feel, how im not coping too well and even court dates. The last court date, no one knew. I went on my own. I was actually going to go to trial on my own so that I didnt worry my mom!!!! All I want is for someone to hug me and tell me its ok. I havent cried for ages on someones shoulder, its always in the privacy of my home when my daughter is in bed! I always feel so guilty for those injured in the accident. Whenever I begin to feel sorry for myself, I end up thinking about how they must feel. Then I start getting angry because they cut me up. They dont remeber the accident you see so its only my word and my word is the truth. The company I worked for that day dropped me like a hat, friends have began leaving me because I dont go out anymore and have become "weird". Im so alone!!!!!!!
This has ruined my memories of my daughters first 20 months of life. I was so excited at becoming a dad but all this has ran along side it and in a way become more important. I dont even know if ill go to prison for this. The depression has hit me hard and its taking over my life. The guilt I feel his unbelieveable, I cant understand how such a stupid mistake has had such huge impact on so many lives. Thier are so many more victims than just those two who got hurt. My Daughter, her mom, my family are all victims as well. Im fed up of it!!
Last edited by mod-anon; 02-19-2009 at 04:23 AM.
Reason: edited triggering passages
you must be feeling so stressed- understatement of the year - and being trivialised doesnt help - I dont know what a cpn is? is it like a psychologist? you need to find some strategies to help you cope with all this - being alone doesnt help - cutting yourself off from others doesnt help - but its what you feel like you need to do - the hardest thing when you're depressed is to reach out and be with people - but its one of the things that can help -
You have been through so much and the weight of the trial must be causing you more grief with it keep being put off - you need to talk to someone - if you're religious a priest or vicar, rabbi or whatever it is you believe in - a support group would probably be good if you could find one
things can get better - although it probably doenst seem so at the moment - take care and hang in there MBC
p.s., your daughter must be a comfort to you - children are so full of happiness - even when times are tough they find a smile in a flower or a toy
Thank you all for your kind words. I really am trying to get through this. The last appearance at court, where the judge failed to turn up, really knocked me for 6. Although I was scared and very anxious, I ould see the light at the end of the tunnel and the thought of it all be over soon was getting me through but then the adjourment happened and I was left again.
I just do not understand why the NHS wont help me with my illness. They say the goverment does not see mental health as a priority. Frpm what I can see about mental health, this has so many knock on effects that this is one of the most dangerous and life threatening illness' in the UK. Apparantly, males in my age group have a higher suicide rate than anywhere else in the world!! SO why not help??