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Old 02-16-2009, 08:01 AM   #1
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Is it too late?

Even if and when I forgive, I will not be able to forget. It makes me so mad that someone out there, in fact so many out there can do horrible acts and leave others struggling so hard to survive. They go on with their lives and I can't seem to get on with mine. Lately I have been feeling angry and deep sadness I can't figure it out. It's like a deep buried feeling, issue or something is rumbling right up to the surface and I have absolutely no idea what it is. I just wish that I could truly go through the recovery process with ease, fast and have a life of my own. I am starting to wish that I was married and had children of my own. For so long I denied that fact that it's too late now, I'm 39 and have no social life, friends or job. It's pathetic. I am getting better but I don't want to admit to my therapist that I wish now that I did have children.
Can anyone please understand? Is it too late or do I even have a chance in he***? Sorry I went off the subject of forgiveness but that's why I chose not to get married or even try a boyfriend, thought that they'd all be like my dad or rapist.

Last edited by mod-anon; 02-22-2009 at 10:21 PM. Reason: starting a new thread with this post.

 
Old 02-20-2009, 03:42 PM   #2
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Re: I can't forgive

Captnanny - yes there is still a chance - therapy helps - we learn to cut ourselves off from the world - to stop the pain - but it only hides it and keeps us from living - I am trying to deal with this in therapy - its so hard - but if I can do it so can you
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Old 02-21-2009, 03:10 AM   #3
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Re: I can't forgive

It is very hard to reconnect to the world. Lately I have been lying on the couch the whole day and I can not get myself to do anything else. I feel so pathetic. I did babysit on thursday, all day and had a lot of energy, I even went to a store afterwards. Friday came and I was in pain and I just lied on the couch the entire day feeling very tired. I have been feeling totally exhausted lately but beat myself up for doing nothing. I can't seem to get off the couch if I have no important place to go.

 
Old 02-21-2009, 04:08 AM   #4
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Re: I can't forgive

Quote:
Originally Posted by captnanny View Post
It is very hard to reconnect to the world. Lately I have been lying on the couch the whole day and I can not get myself to do anything else. I feel so pathetic. I did babysit on thursday, all day and had a lot of energy, I even went to a store afterwards. Friday came and I was in pain and I just lied on the couch the entire day feeling very tired. I have been feeling totally exhausted lately but beat myself up for doing nothing. I can't seem to get off the couch if I have no important place to go.
sounds like depression to me MBC
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:53 PM   #5
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Re: I can't forgive

I get the same way - I rebound - if somthing good happens - the I have an opposite reaction later - getting out and keeping doing things is what works some of the time - im glad you have a T to help you through this MBC
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Old 02-24-2009, 01:13 AM   #6
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Re: Is it too late?

I think it is depression. I brought it up with my therapist yesterday but told her I don't want it to be depression. When she asked why I just think it's a lot harder to get out of than to be aware of the issues which I'm not having great success at. All I know is I have tried to forgive only to remember more things and working on my issues is making me want to never go out in life again. Maybe it's temporary, maybe I won't always feel this way but its how I feel now and how I do not want to feel anymore.

 
Old 02-24-2009, 02:07 AM   #7
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Re: Is it too late?

it is temporary - its part of the ebb and flow of therapy - we need to engage in life more so when we dont want to .

Working through things is hard - sometimes its so har we think we cant go on - but we do - we get through it - we get through it because we are survivors and thats what we do - we survive.

You can get through this - depression can be treated - I know this from personal experience - hang in there - you can do this MBC
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Old 02-24-2009, 07:26 AM   #8
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Re: Is it too late?

I just got a new therapist she told me that I am in the emergency stage, whatever that means. I am trying to work through a lot of things right now and not give up hope. I am still establishing my support system and some stability within my household. I finally found a place to live. I feel like I have been to crazy worrying about everyday practical things to be depressed but when I get a minute it all comes crashing down on me. Its like a tiger waiting in the bushes for its prey to lay down and die. To clarify I am not thinking of harming myself I am just sad. Trying to forgive and trying to forget are two different things. I think I can forgive God for what happened to me or whatever there is but the abuser is another story. I just know as long as you are alive it is never too late for anything.

 
Old 02-25-2009, 01:35 AM   #9
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Re: Is it too late?

Thanks Maybecrazy and wrenrobin,
I know feeling this way is not how I will always feel. I also know that I was on Provigil and now can not afford it but will get samples from my psychiatrist on saturday. That is supposed to help me stay awake. That might be one of the reasons I have been so tired. I hate being tired, in fact I'm afraid of being tired so in return I don't do anything which then leads to depression. I just can not get myself to engage in outside activities. Man it is so frustrating. I feel like I'm still asleep from the surgery, like I haven't woke up yet from the anesthesia. I know depression comes and goes but this depression is different from other times. I just feel like the more I want to get better the more tired I become, so tired I feel like I will lapse into a coma. This is physically impossible I know but it's an analogy.

 
Old 03-14-2009, 01:27 PM   #10
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Re: Is it too late?

I don't think it's too late for you. YOu can still find someone you want to be with and have or, if not, adopt a kid or two. But it is true first I think you need to fully accept the cards you were dealt. IT sounds to me that you are in a clinical depression. I think you will find that, while it is not fun to diagnose something, it can also be a relief to find out that you are not crazy, lazy etc., but that you are suffering from a condition which has medical implications. You seem to be on meds, but they do not seem to be doing the right thing by you, so maybe it's time to diagnose, get on different meds, and perhaps even consider another counselor. Also, a peer support group might be a good idea. Even if you don't feel like going, you may meet people there with whom you can have mutual support. Maybe even make a few friends.

When I have a depressive episode, I am exactly as you describe--don't want to go anywhere, can't get off the couch (in fact I congratulate you in getting out of bed at all!). You ARE doing something by asking for help on this line and talking about it.

I think the first step is to be ok with the fact that being diagnosed as having depression is not the end of the world and does not label you as a "depressive". It's just something you have and need to manage. You CAN do that and you can get a job and friends and have a relationship--many, many people with depression do that. I have done that and if I can, anyone can!!!

best of everything

 
Old 03-14-2009, 04:22 PM   #11
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Re: Is it too late?

Hi Captnanny,

when you next see your psych tell him/her about how you are feeling - depression is like trying to walk in quicksand - the more you try to move the more it sucks you back in - but the thing is - if you keep doing those things that lift it - talking to people, getting outside, listeneing to music or watching a movie, calling a friend - keeping a gratitude diary or just doing comforting things like getting a hot drink and curling up in achair - somtimes we just need to be kind to ourselves to get through it

Wrenrobin,
things do get better - I have been where you are - its all about the stages of healing
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Old 03-15-2009, 12:44 AM   #12
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Re: Is it too late?

I have been feeling a little better. Lots of work with my therapist and just allowing my feelings to be, not acting on them or judging them. I am working on self-acceptance and am trying to accept the fact that since surgery I now have physical restrictions which brings upon more lifestyle changes. It's doable, when I'm reasonable, but it's really hard to keep myself in the present moment and just be ok with myself.

 
Old 03-15-2009, 09:26 AM   #13
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Talking Re: Is it too late?

I think that is very wise, what you said about letting your feelings be and not judging them. That is proably the path of least resistance that will help you move thorugh this.

Last edited by mod-anon; 03-15-2009 at 12:51 PM. Reason: removed quote

 
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