I know you all probably get a lot of these posts, so I apologize in advance, but I really need to know what is wrong with me. I am planning on getting a therapists opinion, but for the time being this is what I have available to me...
I am a 20 year old female. I grew up with an extremely rare chronic illness which caused me to be in the hospital all the time as a child. At 17 I had a transplant, and at 18 I had another organ transplanted. I spent the first year after the two transplants extremely happy, healthy, feeling on top of the world. Then I moved away from home to go to college last year. Ever since then I feel like a steady decline in my mood has happened. I am not depressed, I don't feel hopelessness or anything, I just feel MAJORLY detached from everything around me. I participate in school and social activities, but they don't really bring me any joy... Im apathetic toward most things. I don't have much emotion within me.
I have especially started to notice this because I have started a serious relationship, we're going on three months now. He expresses so much love and devotion to me, and I know I love him in my head, because he is the most amazing individual and makes me very happy... but I am honestly unable to feel genuine LOVE. This is extremely alarming to me... because I used to be such an open and loving person...
I lost a friend in december who had a semiliar disease to mine, which i think made all of this worse.... but i definitely felt this way BEFORE my friend passed.
Main symptoms I have are:
-Feeling like nothing is really happening to me, like this huge surreal feeling about life.
-just one steady emotion, i don't get REALLY happy or REALLY sad about anything anymore.
-I have been mean to people I love and not cared. Not apologized. Feel to reason to even though mentally i grasp i should feel sorry.
- I don't comply with the doctors at all, I mean if I am SERIOUSLY ill i'll go into the hospital but if they give me antibitotics I won't take them, if they want to admit me I insist it is not logical for them to do so. I have cried and had panic attacks because of being admitted... told myself it was because I was worried I would ruin my semesters of school.. but more i learn about PTSD i am thinking it's just a symptom.
- I am paranoid that my medicines they have given me for immunosuppression are slowly making me ill in other ways... have contemplated stopping taking them, but haven't because again.. logically i know this is not the right course of action.
I don't know... I guess my question is, why is this all coming up now? If this is related to the stress of being a sick child and having the transplants and everything, why do i have the symptoms after all of this is over? I am not scared of thinking or speaking of my past, infact i want to write a book about it all. I feel like since I am now "normal" and have been given the chance to have a full life, I should be happy... why is all of this setting in 2 years after the first transplant and a year after the second?!?!!
thanks for reading...