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Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

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Old 07-26-2009, 07:21 PM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: IL, USA
Posts: 255
tulum HB Usertulum HB User
Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

I have PTSD from an abusive 8 year relationship in the middle of divorce currently. I am going to therapy and taking meds.

I have sooo much anger. I am taking it out on my mother and she does not deserve it at all but she lives with me for support. I feel awful but I just want to be left alone forever it seems. I keep asking her to leave so I can become stronger and independent and feel better but then I know I will miss her terribly too.

Anyone else going through this or can offer advice? thanks.

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Old 07-27-2009, 03:23 AM   #2
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Manchester; UK
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Hemels HB User
Re: Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

Hi Tulum,

I too have come out from an abusive relationship of 7 & 1/2 years, although I am not going through a divorce (as i never married the guy) I am currently fighting over our two children with him. Although I left him in April 2008, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD in Feb 2009. I am currently on Meds and have CBT with my Pdoc.

I totally understand where you are coming from on the anger front, I too have alot of anger which I take out on my new partner (who i've been best mates with before we got together for 10 years). I constantly ask him to leave and find someone better then me (since I think of myself as a let down and a hinderance to him). But I do know when I am not in a state that I do not want him to go anywhere at all.

Maybe you are feeling like you are more of a hinderance then a help? (like me) and feel like you don't want someone else in control of your life, even if they don't mean any harm? Because unfortunately when they help us it does feel like that are trying to control us (just like the control we endured in the abuse) and we are very weary and put our guard up to it.

I have of yet to find a way around this to stop me asking him to leave, I do know that I will be working on it in my CBT at some point . Have your pdoc put you in for CBT?

All the best
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Old 07-27-2009, 05:35 PM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 477
maybecrazy HB User
Re: Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

tulum - do you really want her to go? how would you feel if she did? I hope you are getting some help with your anger by seeing a therapist or psyche - anti-d's have helped me. let us know how youare going ok
Be safe, be well, be happy
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Old 07-27-2009, 10:18 PM   #4
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tulum HB Usertulum HB User
Re: Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

Hemels, you are so right about everything-it describes me well.

I guess I really don't want her to leave but I feel like a little kid again because she does EVERYTHING for me even when I CONSTANTLY tell her that I want to do my own things etc.

I know she has the BEST intentions and only wants to help out but like Hemels said, it feels like control even though it is not the same control as the abuse was.

Also, with the legal battle, custody and divorce, I have had zero time to make friends or anything. It is just me, my mom and kids. I feel so isolated though I am involved in activities like tennis, yoga, kids things etc but it is so tough and slow to find friends.

I am seeing a therapist quite regularly and taking ADs but I have gained so much weight on this lexapro that it depresses me even more.

I think I am going to make an appt with my psychiatrist to see if I can get off the meds and take something that won't make me gain weight!

I feel so lousy about myself. I keep getting angry at my mother saying that if she had left me alone 10 months ago when this had started, I would have been forced to do things and get back up. I feel I would have had more self-confidence and become independent if I had been left alone instead of having someone around always.

However, I really did need my mother around because I am alone in my husband's hometown and for my safety.

I am just waiting to see any glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel but it seems to have been blocked by a huge landslide at the moment!

Anyway, thank you for your support

Old 07-28-2009, 02:03 AM   #5
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
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maybecrazy HB User
Re: Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

I am glad you are going to talk to your pdoc about this - they may be able to try different meds that dont make you gain weight - take care MBC
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:06 AM   #6
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isitme HB Userisitme HB User
Re: Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

Originally Posted by tulum View Post
I have PTSD from an abusive 8 year relationship in the middle of divorce currently. I have sooo much anger..
Hi, I had so much anger for years, even years after the abusive relationship, the divorce, the custody of the children which didn't go in my favour...........and I never really knew why!! Depression was the diagnosis back then. I hope this helps.

I blamed the ex for the relationship
The ex for me staying with him
The ex for him abusing me
The ex, the ex, the ex for EVERYTHING.
Yet it was all misplaced anger. I realised I stayed because I choose to. (That fact was very hard to come to terms with). But then it became clear. I was 50% responsible for the relationship I had with him. It was impossible for him to be 100% responsible..................And once I grasped that concept, the anger disappeared because there was no way I was going to stay angry with the real person at fault, myself. I hope your anger subsides as mine did.

Old 08-10-2011, 01:07 PM   #7
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Saddie098 HB User
Re: Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

Hi Tulum,
This sounds like me, after a 7 yr. marriage with what I thought was a very kind and gentle-man he began to drink and it made a mad-man out of him, he put me in the hospital for 3days with a colapsed lung. I am still with him because our religion does not believe in divorce unless a marriage vow is broken,( he has also stop drinking) and in the vows it says nothing about abuse. I know there is some words in the vows of marriage about cherish and all that, but not about mental or physical abuse (I would rather be abused mentally, at least there are no visable scars) I am seeing someone about PTSD but I guess I need to stay with it, cause it seems like we are just circling the topic. Anyway I know now how to stay safe if he becomes violent again. I have escape routes and pepper spray and even other means of protecting myself.
Just keep in mind to watch for the signs and stay safe. I still am afraid of him but whats a women to do at my age...... I am disable and do not have the money to live alone or with a roomate, my mom and dad are both gone and I have no kids. So I try to remain happy and most of the time I act like he has never hurt me and just go on day to day. (What a way to live)

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Old 03-02-2012, 04:58 PM   #8
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: sunshine coast qld
Posts: 1
cheza HB User
Re: Domestic abuse and PTSD anger

I was only diagnosed with chronic PTSD and secondary major depressive disorder last year after a lifetime of depression (taking meds) and feeling symptoms similar to yours. I could never understand why whenever I got stresses I over-reacted, got angry, emotional etc. Now I understand. When my marriage broke up many years ago I was devastated despite the repeated domestic violence, verbal, physical and sexual. Eventually after many more "lost" years I seemed to get back on track. However, everytime I went through a life stressor my symptoms returned and I would be diagnosed with depression. This has basically been the story of my life until now. Two years ago my Dad died after a long suffering illness and my life fell apart. I couldn't function and had to leave my job because I couldn't cope with the stress. The plan was to take a few months off then start fresh but it never happened. I just got worse, went through the change of medication, counselling etc etc. Eventually I saw a Psychiatrist, my meds changed and I was finally diagnosed with chronic PTSD etc. I was put on a disability support pension and can no longer afford to maintain my home so it is on the market. My life has totally crashed around me and I struggle to understand what has happened to me. The point in telling you all this, is not to scare you, but to make you realised that it is fortunate that you have found out what is wrong early so it can be treated. PTSD if left untreated can obviously escalate as has happened in my case. Your anger is a normal part of PTSD. Have you done much reading on the condition. If not it will help both you and your Mum. You are truly blessed to have such a special Mum who is supporting you. She obviously understands your outbursts and continues to stand by you. Whatever you do, just reassure her that you love and appreciate what she is doing and don't let her leave until you are much stronger. I totally understand your feeling of wanting to be alone; I am like that much of the time due to the feeling that nobody understands me and my moods are sadly misunderstood. I live on my own and have no family close by and have alienated most of my friends. I feel so alone and misunderstood. Please don't let this happen to you. What your husband did to you is horrendous and you now need to learn to believe that you are a loveable and worthwhile person Let your Mum help you and have faith that you will one day rise above all this and have a wonderful life. Because, despite what I am going through and have been through I know that my life will turn around and I will get to live my dreams. Hugs and best wishes,

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