I have little to no joy for life, and honestly it feels like I'm not really here anyway. Time moves very quickly and it's like I'm watching it move and not participating. Weeks and months go by like hours. I have people and things in my life, and I have tried making changes to my life.. started grad school, traveled out of the country a few times, attempted to have a meaningful and loving relationship with someone.. But nothing really helps. I still have flashbacks and the nightmares are terrible, I can barely sleep and I think that's a part of it, but sleeping meds make it worse. I have tried therapy and meds and CBT and just CHANGING, but I honestly just don't feel like I'm here. It's like I don't exist.
I have been diagnosed with depression before and this doesn't feel like depression.. It's just nothing. I can do anything and don't feel anything. Maybe it's a self preserving thing, like some superbarrior to prevent pain, but I want to feel again :/
I honestly feel like I am wasting my gifts. I feel like I have a lot to contribute but can't. In most respect I am an incredibly lucky person, I have everything I need and more, and I feel guilty that I am not able to appreciate it. I made a bad decision a long time ago that led me to where I am and I can't let it go. i should be thrilled with my life and what I've been able to do since the events... but I can't feel anything. I keep saying .. if i keep pushing myself to achieve, to do new things, meet new people, change change change.. at some point it will get better. And maybe it will? It's been a few years now of ups and downs. Ups and downs I can handle, but the feeling of nothing is completely new.
I don't know what to do, but I just wanted to get it off of my chest. Thanks.