Please help me. I am in pain, full of anxiety, and desperate for some relief or release. While I am working with a psychologist to try to address some of these issues, the help is not enough. I have been denied help from both the county and the state, and unless I commit a crime, there seems to be no way out and no help.
Allow me to tell you about myself. I was raised in a very abusive environment. My mother first tried to murder me at the age of 5. My step father was an abusive drug dealing diabetic who was mentally unstable himself. I was beaten often as a child and was humiliated daily. When at the age of 16 I turned violent, I was made a ward of the court. Things were going fine until just before I escaped. A confrontation with a deputy sheriff on his front door step led me to be moved from the half way house I was staying at. Fearing I would be returned to prison and wanting to find my biological father, I moved.
Once here I eventually became a very good worker. I was good enough to build custom homes worth millions. I tried to open my own business as a contractor, but an on the job fatality ruined that.
During the time after I escaped, I was constantly paranoid, and lived in fear of going back to prison. After the statutes of limitations ran out, I did not know how to be anything else.
I eventually passed my journey mans test. Six months after I passed that test, I ruined my shoulder on the job and that ended that career. I spent the next two years laid up trying to mend.
The first surgery on my shoulder left me in more pain than the injury did and a constant painful tremor in my shoulder. After a second surgery, I was fine until I slipped and fell at a friends house and had to have a third surgery. The third surgery left me pretty limited in my range of motion and with another tremor although not as bad as the first.
When I was finally released to go to work, I did not know what to do with myself. I eventually went to truck driving school, but had to end that career about five years later.
After truck driving I started going to school again. That’s what I do now, study construction management. While preparing to go to school, I thought I would investigate scholarships and scholarships for the disabled. This led me to wonder what my actual disability rating was, which led me back to my doctor. The doctor took some x-rays of my shoulder and suggested I contact a lawyer. I had developed pagcl, which means that the cartilage in my shoulder had gone away. There are several cases of this happening after an inter articulate pain pump was used on a couple million people. The manufacturer of this pain pump is getting sued. Unfortunately, I am ineligible for this pain pump lawsuit because I dislocated my shoulder about ten years previously.
I am tired of living this way and tired of feeling like I am being screwed. Before I went to prison I wanted to join the Navy. In 26 days. When I tried to open my own business my partner who had 15 years more experience than me did something incredibly stupid and got killed. When I finally got my journeymans card, I got crippled up. When I was told that everybody but me is going to get paid very well for this bad drug, I got depressed and angry. Everytime I have tried to better my self and improve my station in life, I get kicked squarely in the face. I have lost the joy of life and pray for death constantly. I know that this life is supposed to be a gift, but mine is broken.
The workmans compensation insurer who is handling my injury may very well deny my claim for depression and anxiety caused by the constant amount of pain I live in all the time. They will do anything to save them selves a buck. If they do deny my claim, I will be left with absolutely no resource for mental help.
I do not want to live this way
I do not know what else to do.
I cut part of a finger off and broke my back twice so I am no stranger to pain, but this will never heal. It will never get better and there is nothing that anybody can do about it. I appreciate the beauty of the world around me and am thankful for it, but it is not enough when the pain and the tremor keep me awake, night after night.
I am writing to you out of desperation, please help me.
Last edited by Administrator; 08-23-2009 at 04:48 PM.
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I know that life seems like a bottomless pit right now. I also have PTSD. Along with it I am Bi-polar type 1, and dulusional. I know how you feel. I can relate to what you are going through. I am 28 years old and have been through things and seen things that most only see in movies. Don't give up! There is hope. I promise!!!
People who are not like us don't really understand what we feel every day. There is a way to cope, and only we can find our own way. I know that it is difficult. I am there with you. Why don't you stop and take life one minute at a time, instead of one day at a time. That is where I am...that is what I am doing. It is my little way of coping with everything. I am here if you ever want to talk.
i am so sorry you have had all this happen to you - i hope your claim doesnt get disallowed - iw ill send prayers to the universe for you .
can you get a 2nd opinion onnthe pain pump thing?
bobexe, things really suck for you at the moment i understand that - i ahve not gone through what you have one through - my story involves CSA and assault - 2 years ago i felt like all i wanted to do was give up - crawl into a corner and disapear - i went through 3 T's before i found one to help me - but i am feleing better now - i still fall down - but i get up - adn if i can do this you can do this ok
we are here to help you - please take care of you and keep posting it really helps
for the anxiety try grounding techniques and there is a great book called the ptsd sourcebook by glen shiraldi that has lots of techniques in it - se eif your library has it
take care MBC (sending hugs if ok)
welcome rtriola - i agree wiht you - i have done it second by second before too - and thats al you have to do is survive the second then the next one and so on.....
life is hard enough and yours has been so traumatic but you arestill here...you have to keep going on day to day which you have since the age of 5, how strong a person you are... there isalways a light at the end of a tunnel and you will certainly get to yours but its not an easy trip to take...please keep fighting as your life is precious...