guest89

hi. this seems strange comming here and telling everyone when i still cant say it outloud without breaking down. when i was 13 i had my first drink and last. im soon to be 21 and im not over what happend that night. i need help. i went camping with my family. there was this big dance. i met this guy that my cousin was partying with he seemed so nice. i was young and in denial. my cousin said i would be safe with him and i should go back to the campsite because it was late. anyway i dont remember alot of what happend what i do remember now is a knife held to my throat and being forced into sex. he was 17 i guess.. my parents always told me sex was magical with someone you love. but i dont love him. he was my first time and i cant stand it. it makes me sick thinking about it. i guess i have alot of questions. is it possible for my memory to come back of that night years later. i dont know why all of a sudden im starting to remember? i couldnt before no matter how hard i tried.. also why do i push people i care about away? especially guys. i dont ever have a functional relationship ever. im starting to think i do it on purpose. i dont know anymore. i havent had sex since that night. people say its not my fault. but maybe if i didnt show up that night. or if i would of just waited for someone i knew better. i dont know anything im just numb all the time my self esteem is really low. i cant trust anyone. he destroyed my life in one night and just need advice. someone please answer me as soon as possible. thanks.