PTSD really sucks, forever
“How was your day, Honey?” I was often asked after getting home from work. I know that there was no such thing as a typical day at the office. I know that I am a red-neck originally from East L.A. I know that I have scuba-dived, climbed MT Hood, skydived, flown airplanes by myself and I still hand feed and pet my teddy bear that most individuals refer to as buffalo or bison. I know that I am still married with two teen-aged children. I know that I am strong, tough and intelligent. I know that I am wrong and I ain’t got it right.
I know what it is like to drive to an espresso shack and bawl, at best only wishing I weren’t so stupid. I know what it is like when my little children asked me what the problem is after I only can look and smile at the surprise that they worked on all day. I know what it is like not to have your children, as they have become older, not to want to hang out with me. I know what being mad at everyone is like. I know that perhaps my favorite activity is being by myself, not just occasionally, but for hours every day. I know I need it.
I know that no one wants a friend like me. I know what it is to not be able to make new friends, because I don’t care about people and nobody understands.
I know what a waste of time it was to do everything I could to fill this infinite, dark and frozen hole. I know that it is more comfortable to do nothing. I can’t do anything. I know that I don’t care.
I know what it is like not being able to look in the mirror, let alone my wife (who is still here) and kids.
I know that I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.
I experienced a head injury about 13 years ago. This injury made my already dark life infinitalely emptyier. It was a great excuse not to go and rescue bodies every hour. I am so glad I have nothing to do with being a firefighter and paramedic anymore. That whole thing has devestated my family. I'm sorry
Last edited by BOSSBISON; 04-23-2010 at 06:07 PM.
Reason: Removed inappropriate graphic details