I just wish I could hate them... - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

bloodytears · 04-21-2003, 10:57 PM

I was hurt several times when I was a child.. It all started when I was 4.. I was molested from the age of 4 to the age of 13... I was raped at the ages of 13,14, and 16. I was beaten by a boyfriend when I was 15 and 17. I am now in a verbally abusive relationship with my new boyfriend, but can't seem to get out. I was neglected and forced to take care of people both older and younger than me from the age of 5. My parents divorced when I was 14, my dad just left without telling me anything. And I have lost about a dozen very close people to me... I Feel like a lot of who i am now, is because of my past.. And I hurt so much from it.. However, no matter how much I was hurt by these people, I can't hate them.. I may despise them at times, but never fully completely hate them. I do not ever think they had a right to do what they did to me.. But, that's all I can really say on the subject because no one knows what they did to me except for me and them.. People tell me all the time that I'm hurting from something deep inside, but I just disregard their words and flash them an "everything is incredibly fine" smile, and it gets dropped. I really wish I could hate them, but so much of me hates myself more than them...

Sorry if this post is stupid, or confusing, or doesn't make sense.. I needed to get some of this out somehow and figured this is the best way.. SO, if you read this, thank you for caring enough to do so..

larissa26 · 04-23-2003, 01:53 PM

Hello,, I just wanted to let you know I am kinda going through the same thing...my stepfather molested me from the age of 7 till 17....and...then I hated him so much...but now I really cant hate him either....I hate what he did to me and I comfronted him about it...but for somereason..I cant hate him....so your not alone with this feeling...
take care,,

bloodytears · 04-23-2003, 03:05 PM

Thanks Larissa...

DeeBruna · 04-24-2003, 07:59 AM

You're not alone. At the present, I am not talking to my Mother or Brother due to the fact that my Mother flat out lied to my brother (who wasn't born yet when I was 13 when this occured) telling him I was not molested by by father (whom she caught in my bed) and he hates me. I really HATE what she has done, but I miss her so much and I miss him too. But, now at 45 and thanks to lots of therapy and the "Courage to Heal" book by Laura Davis...I have taken her advise and since "my family" has turned their backs on me I have made a "new family" consisting of those that ARE supportive of me. And you know what....I'm much happier than I've been in a long time....but it is difficult with "Mother's Day" and "Father's Day" coming up soon!

cornfusedgirlie · 04-24-2003, 09:38 AM

Hi bloodytears, how are you feeling today? I wish I could talk to you in person, but I will try to say everything I want on here.

First, realize that what happened IS NOT your fault, the only people to blame are the people who did this to you. Have you ever told anybody, anyone at all, about what happened to you?

Nothing like this has never happened to me, but my very best friend had very similar circumstances. Until she was able to get it out she wasn't able to heal. I don't believe she hates the people who did this to her either, so you aren't alone in that.

I laughed and shook my head when you said you flashed them and "everything is incredibly fine" smile and it gets dropped. My friend did and still does the very same thing. It wasn't until I said, don't pull that bull@&%* with me I know better, that she couldn't run anymore.

Your post was not stupid or confusing and it made perfect sense to me. If it means anything, I CARE. You can email me (i think) unless the moderaters tell you not to.

Hugs