Two weeks ago, I was in the hospital for abdominal surgery. Things happened while on medication that I cannot remember. With tubes and wires attached to me, I had crawled out of my bed and was hiding behind a chair convinced my ex husband was there to kill me. I had to be sedated with haldol. Two years ago, my current #2 great husband had a severe migrane and we went to the ER, the meds they gave him made him slur his words, I guess the next thing they knew. I was hiding and shaking. Sounds such as the garage door opening and doors slamming can put me into a panic attack. I was "strong" for the 18 years that I lived in hell with husband #1,no panic attacks, I had to be strong to stay and stand my ground and protect my boys so why now, that I am safe and living with the husband of my dreams am I falling apart? Has anyone else been through this? I have an appointment with my p doc next week and will bring this up. I thought I just was going through a bit of mid life depression and that is why I go to the shrink...but what is with the psychotic episodes??What type of meds could help? Why can an alcoholic's hell stay with you and ruin things when they are finally out of your life and things are getting good? Any input? Just wondering...
maybe you were in a state of denial the while that you were with him to keep yourself from breaking down then, and maybe seeming weak. sometimes, when i see things that remind me of a relationship i had with an alcoholic make me want to shrivel up and die, or make we want to throw things. it's like, there was a part of you that you had given up on or abandoned for that while and you're resenting yourself and the alcoholic him/herself for getting you into such a situation. but it takes a really strong person to get out of soemthing like that, i am proud of you. and i feel your pain. i have a wonderful boyfriend now who is very complete and doesn't try to manipulate me or take advantage of me....and who just loves me for who i am. however, now i have trouble getting really close to people, like sometimes all i want is to be held and other times i just want to push everyone away. i have to work out some sexual issues also, because my old boyfriend was so uncompassionate and neglectful of my needs > , that he basically turned me off to sex altogether...i mean, it still feels good, but the first time i made love to my new boyfriend i cried and had to stop...i explained why to him and he is very compassionate...i didn;t know how deeply my past relationship had cut me.
Thanks for sharing. I think the things that hurt the worst are the lost years, opportunities and the effect on my kids. The hidden horrors that are triggered from out of the blue I'll learn to deal with. But at least we can be thankful that we are now stronger. We've lived through hell and are still standing. (hugs) RG
Hi RSG: I am a 54 year old woman who had to basically caregive my husband for 30 years. Due to the VA not recognizing that severe PTSD from Nam causes physical effects on the body, he wasn't given full disability for most of our lives together. He was sick on and off for years. We raised 3 children. The last child has left home recently. It seems my whole life is hitting me in the face. I was molested by grandpa at age 6 and 12, then boys repeatedly molested me in the public swimming pools during teen years, as I developed into a woman. I used to love to swim; but I quit due to severe fear. I was never the same afterwards. Then, after marriage we lived at poverty level, trying to make ends meet, I helped my ill hubby get firewood in. I shovelled snow off our old flat roofed mobile home or it would leak. I cooked for hours, making all homemade food, soups, bread, etc., because it is cheaper to do everything by hand. I used cloth diapers and a wringer washer (saved hot water and soap) for all 3 kids. I lifted children, laundry to hang outside (dryer costs money). However, I rather enjoyed my little jobs and my kids. Hubby and I could never go out to dinner--McDonalds was a treat for the family and we even brought our own Reagan cheese with to save that extra 10 cents per burger for cheese burgers!! However, now my spine is shot, my emotions are shot, my husband took whatever meds he could to numb himself. Fortunately, it could not be alcohol, due to stomach ulcer. There are other ways to self medicate. My husband is a good man, and he never abused me. However, he was very locked up emotionally. Now I have a lot of resentment and I am basically a "burned out caregiver". I'm tired, so tired. I hurt 24/7 and on lots of meds now. I've been taking stock of my life and I believe it is normal to have these feelings. It seems to be classic mid-life crisis emotions, so I've read. I am still will my husband, but his stress is managed by the VA with proper meds. Before that, he tried to go to the VA and a VA doctor told him, I was in Nam, and I didn't have dreams. My hubby was a 101st Airborne Army combat medic during 67-69, heavy fighting years in Nam. He saw horrible things. He now has a pace maker; almost died due to 3 years of passing out and 3 docs thinking it was his stomach, not the heart. I watched stress totally use up his heart, which most likely had a problem, but stress made it worse. The VA says stress does not affect the heart. The VA, should he die, has cut me out of any widow's pension due to his disability being 70% PTSD/30% unemployability. I am disabled due to spinal troubles and cannot work. I am (nor was I ever) a lazy person (thus, my spine troubles, as I overworked it) and am willing to work. I just cannot; my pain, spinal weakness, etc., will not allow me to work. I lie down on and off all day long.
I just wanted to put a bit of my life out there for you, so you know that you are not alone in all this. Stay close to God and beg Him to take your pain. Try to think good thoughts and be thankful for any blessings you do have. I have been working on this myself; it is difficult and it takes a great deal of mind control to think positively. I don't do it all the time, but I try my best, asking for God's help. That's all I can do any more, because I am just so tired. Take care and my prayers are with you, Patmg PS Both of us are from Illinois, Chicago surburbs. I lived in Brookfield--if you are from this area, you know Brookfield Zoo. I attended highschool at the school, RBHS, behind the zoo. My hubby is from Glen Ellyn, Ill.
[This message has been edited by Patmg (edited 05-28-2003).]
Thanks for sharing and thank your husband for serving. I am so sorry that that war hkas caused pain in so many lives. We just keep on,m don't we? My meds now are: Depakote, seroquel and klonopin. The best thing I have now Is my husband thank God for him. I can now lookk at my ex without freaking out, he stille lives in the same small town, and I find thak even how fake my feelikngs are, if I see him wharn I am with my 18 year od son, and am friendly to him , it makes the kid's day, he now has accepted I will never go back to him