Patmg

Hi RSG: I am a 54 year old woman who had to basically caregive my husband for 30 years. Due to the VA not recognizing that severe PTSD from Nam causes physical effects on the body, he wasn't given full disability for most of our lives together. He was sick on and off for years. We raised 3 children. The last child has left home recently. It seems my whole life is hitting me in the face. I was molested by grandpa at age 6 and 12, then boys repeatedly molested me in the public swimming pools during teen years, as I developed into a woman. I used to love to swim; but I quit due to severe fear. I was never the same afterwards. Then, after marriage we lived at poverty level, trying to make ends meet, I helped my ill hubby get firewood in. I shovelled snow off our old flat roofed mobile home or it would leak. I cooked for hours, making all homemade food, soups, bread, etc., because it is cheaper to do everything by hand. I used cloth diapers and a wringer washer (saved hot water and soap) for all 3 kids. I lifted children, laundry to hang outside (dryer costs money). However, I rather enjoyed my little jobs and my kids. Hubby and I could never go out to dinner--McDonalds was a treat for the family and we even brought our own Reagan cheese with to save that extra 10 cents per burger for cheese burgers!! However, now my spine is shot, my emotions are shot, my husband took whatever meds he could to numb himself. Fortunately, it could not be alcohol, due to stomach ulcer. There are other ways to self medicate. My husband is a good man, and he never abused me. However, he was very locked up emotionally. Now I have a lot of resentment and I am basically a "burned out caregiver". I'm tired, so tired. I hurt 24/7 and on lots of meds now. I've been taking stock of my life and I believe it is normal to have these feelings. It seems to be classic mid-life crisis emotions, so I've read. I am still will my husband, but his stress is managed by the VA with proper meds. Before that, he tried to go to the VA and a VA doctor told him, I was in Nam, and I didn't have dreams. My hubby was a 101st Airborne Army combat medic during 67-69, heavy fighting years in Nam. He saw horrible things. He now has a pace maker; almost died due to 3 years of passing out and 3 docs thinking it was his stomach, not the heart. I watched stress totally use up his heart, which most likely had a problem, but stress made it worse. The VA says stress does not affect the heart. The VA, should he die, has cut me out of any widow's pension due to his disability being 70% PTSD/30% unemployability. I am disabled due to spinal troubles and cannot work. I am (nor was I ever) a lazy person (thus, my spine troubles, as I overworked it) and am willing to work. I just cannot; my pain, spinal weakness, etc., will not allow me to work. I lie down on and off all day long.

I just wanted to put a bit of my life out there for you, so you know that you are not alone in all this. Stay close to God and beg Him to take your pain. Try to think good thoughts and be thankful for any blessings you do have. I have been working on this myself; it is difficult and it takes a great deal of mind control to think positively. I don't do it all the time, but I try my best, asking for God's help. That's all I can do any more, because I am just so tired. Take care and my prayers are with you, Patmg PS Both of us are from Illinois, Chicago surburbs. I lived in Brookfield--if you are from this area, you know Brookfield Zoo. I attended highschool at the school, RBHS, behind the zoo. My hubby is from Glen Ellyn, Ill.

[This message has been edited by Patmg (edited 05-28-2003).]