Because of my past... - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

bloodytears · 05-13-2003, 05:53 PM

I am damaged forever, never to be the same again...
I was husrt so young and forced to grow up too early..
No one stopped to listen to my cries, or wipe away my tears... No one cared.. And still doesn't.. I was innocent, but then corrupted... I was a virgin, but had that taken away... I was in love, and didn't know love didn't have to hurt like that... I could have died, and only now, realize that's what I want... They all ruined me, and yet it is all my fault.. I didn't speak up... But how could I? I was only 6, and then I was only 7, and then 11, and then 14 and then 16 and then 17 and now 19.. And yet, I can still say nothing.. I want to die.. But not because of them, because of me.. My life will forever be different.. People only know and see my smiles.. They dont see the pain.. And, how could they? People judge me by my appearance, but they dont realize, i look like that for them.. So that they can go to sleep at night knowing I am fine.. And all smiles.. Little do they know that I am dying.. That I am broken, that i was damaged and never repaired.. That all i want to do is cry, but I cant.. All I want is to be able to fall asleep without fear of seeing them again.. All I want to do is smile and mean it.. All I want is a chance at happiness.. But i guess that's too much to ask..

There was no real point in me posting this.. I guess I just needed to get some of these feelings out.. And I apologize for the lack of sense it makes..

LoveBug · 05-23-2003, 01:11 PM

hey

i have ptsd also (i haven't been thru the same things as you have though) anyway, i just heard about this thing you can do to get rid of it. it's called emotional freedom techniques. it's quicker than therapy. i ahevn't tried it yet, i just started looking into it, but it might be helpful to you.
-Bugs

bloodytears · 06-01-2003, 09:04 PM

Thanks for replying to my post, Lovebug, and Larissa..

Lovebug, ive neve3r heard about that before, have u learned anything more about it since u replied to me?

Larissa, It means a lot to know I'm not alone in feeling these things.. After having posted this a while ago, and getting no replies, i felt a little lonesome... Although I wish these feelings on no one, and am sorry you feel them.. But, it does feel better knowing someone understands.. I have just begun getting into all the details with my therapist about all of this and more.. and it has been hard.. Ive felt pretty numb to most of it.. But i am trying.. Thank you for being so willing to be there for me.. I will email u sometime.. Thanks again.. take care too..

HeyThere · 06-02-2003, 11:11 PM

It is not your fault. You were conditioned/brainwashed. I hope you get angry someday at all those people- because then you will start to heal.

I had a family member work as a recruiter (5 years ago)for the girl scout leaders in a major city- to all of our shock the statistics she use to receive came close to one in four young girls before the age of adulthood will be molested and or raped by someone they know. Young boys are just as much at risk. I wish there were more laws to protect children from all predetors including family members.

I am sorry you had to go through an awful early life and are still suffering. You are here for a reason and your posting may save others who have gone through the same.

PTSD 1977 · 07-06-2003, 02:12 PM

I too am suffering from PTSD. Although not from sexual abuse, I am still able to feel your pain. I would highly recommend looking into EMDR treatment. It is a incredibly effective therapy as related to PTSD, especially sexual abuse. It is much more effective than cognitive therapy and relief from the pain often can begin immediately. If you are interested in knowing more, you can chech out the internet for information and look for information by Francine *******, Ph.D, the originator and developer of EMDR. She also has an excellant book that I highly recommend, also entitled EMDR.

Hang in there and remember that none of this is your fault and that you deserve much more out of life than the pain you are suffering. Don't settle nor give up. Do the work and find a way to deal with the pain in a different way and find a way to begin living life in the way it should be.