I am damaged forever, never to be the same again...
I was husrt so young and forced to grow up too early..
No one stopped to listen to my cries, or wipe away my tears... No one cared.. And still doesn't.. I was innocent, but then corrupted... I was a virgin, but had that taken away... I was in love, and didn't know love didn't have to hurt like that... I could have died, and only now, realize that's what I want... They all ruined me, and yet it is all my fault.. I didn't speak up... But how could I? I was only 6, and then I was only 7, and then 11, and then 14 and then 16 and then 17 and now 19.. And yet, I can still say nothing.. I want to die.. But not because of them, because of me.. My life will forever be different.. People only know and see my smiles.. They dont see the pain.. And, how could they? People judge me by my appearance, but they dont realize, i look like that for them.. So that they can go to sleep at night knowing I am fine.. And all smiles.. Little do they know that I am dying.. That I am broken, that i was damaged and never repaired.. That all i want to do is cry, but I cant.. All I want is to be able to fall asleep without fear of seeing them again.. All I want to do is smile and mean it.. All I want is a chance at happiness.. But i guess that's too much to ask..
There was no real point in me posting this.. I guess I just needed to get some of these feelings out.. And I apologize for the lack of sense it makes..
hey i have ptsd also (i haven't been thru the same things as you have though) anyway, i just heard about this thing you can do to get rid of it. it's called emotional freedom techniques. it's quicker than therapy. i ahevn't tried it yet, i just started looking into it, but it might be helpful to you.
Thanks for replying to my post, Lovebug, and Larissa..
Lovebug, ive neve3r heard about that before, have u learned anything more about it since u replied to me?
Larissa, It means a lot to know I'm not alone in feeling these things.. After having posted this a while ago, and getting no replies, i felt a little lonesome... Although I wish these feelings on no one, and am sorry you feel them.. But, it does feel better knowing someone understands.. I have just begun getting into all the details with my therapist about all of this and more.. and it has been hard.. Ive felt pretty numb to most of it.. But i am trying.. Thank you for being so willing to be there for me.. I will email u sometime.. Thanks again.. take care too..
It is not your fault. You were conditioned/brainwashed. I hope you get angry someday at all those people- because then you will start to heal.
I had a family member work as a recruiter (5 years ago)for the girl scout leaders in a major city- to all of our shock the statistics she use to receive came close to one in four young girls before the age of adulthood will be molested and or raped by someone they know. Young boys are just as much at risk. I wish there were more laws to protect children from all predetors including family members.
I am sorry you had to go through an awful early life and are still suffering. You are here for a reason and your posting may save others who have gone through the same.
I too am suffering from PTSD. Although not from sexual abuse, I am still able to feel your pain. I would highly recommend looking into EMDR treatment. It is a incredibly effective therapy as related to PTSD, especially sexual abuse. It is much more effective than cognitive therapy and relief from the pain often can begin immediately. If you are interested in knowing more, you can chech out the internet for information and look for information by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D, the originator and developer of EMDR. She also has an excellant book that I highly recommend, also entitled EMDR.
Hang in there and remember that none of this is your fault and that you deserve much more out of life than the pain you are suffering. Don't settle nor give up. Do the work and find a way to deal with the pain in a different way and find a way to begin living life in the way it should be.
I also have PTSD, I was sexually assualted starting at the age of three. There are medications that really help. I can't promise you can trust fully like other women. I know I can't; but I take EffexorXr 150 mg and it is the first medication that has taken away the fear and anxiety and pain. I know what you are going throgh believe me. I am 64 years old. You can comsider me your Gram. I'll help you get through this. Please pick out a new name. Look to God, He loves you and wants a new life for you. He didn't want this to happen to you. He gave us all free will and those low life #%*@#$%^ took your innocence away from you; but you can be empowered in your adult life!!!!!! I promise you can!!!!!! Don't let them take them take your power away from you. They're nothing but lowlife, cowards that prey on precious children. Look into a little girls eyes and think of her being you and think of some lowlife taking her innocence away and knowing it wouldn't be her fault. IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT SWEETIE, I PROMISE!!!! Don't let anyone steal another day from you. Write back to me if you want. If you're angry at anything I have said tell me I will understand. Love, Kath
i too am the same way, i always put on a good front!!! you know TEARS OF A CLOWN. i have always been that way. besides my mother being toxic she was verbal abusive, neglectful, hurtful, never show anyone your hurting, hypecondriac,it was always about her, always wanting sympathy from anyone, liar, manipulative, and lots of men!!
i have a weird story for ya. because i was always told never let anyone know you are hurting or how you really feel....
i went to the hospital cause i was having really bad time, so of course i have a hard time showing people that i am having a problem, there i sat all made up (make-up) it is just how i am if i have no make up on then people know there is something wrong. well needless to say the first thing the doc says to me is why are you here you look fine to me!!! well that was enough to set me off, the tears came and i was sooooo frustrated i had a panic/anxiety attack there. sorry i didn't look like i needed to be locked up but this is how i am, no one should know there is a problem with me. if they only knew what was going on in my mind!!! i am sure after that they will think before saying someone looks good, after all i wasn't there for a talent show i was there for some emotional help!!!
stay well, sorry i know i ramble
[This message has been edited by stayinonbriteside (edited 08-18-2003).]
2/98 anterior laminectomy c5/6-c6/7 w/titatium plate and six screws-used my own hip bone
returned to work in sept/98
oct/98 was struck from behind by a bus! never had an accident before this!!
4/2000 i went to the docs again and was told to go home soak in tub and take ibprophen well took advise and as soon as i leaned back my neck snapped.. my neck fractured after all this come to find out my site hasn't fused yet,
2nd surgery coming up 8/27/2003 posterior this time
I was also molested at 6 or 7 ( i cant remember the exact age anymore) and raped at 17 in which i was also a virgin. I never told anyone until I was 18 and seeing a therepist. I had nightmares all the time. I just want you to know that the pain can dull and you can be happy again. I now have a wonderful husband and 4 gorgeous children. My PTSD has been diagnosed due to a possible life threatning blow to my head i recieved in January and not my past...although from what i read it could have been part of why im having a hard time now dealing with what has recently happend to me. Please have faith in yourself. I held it in for a long time and also thought that maybe it was something I did for those bad things to happen. I now know through counseling and family support that people make their own choices, whether bad or good, so it was definatley not your fault, how could it be? You were a child and all children are innocent unless taught different. YOU did nothing wrong and I hope that one day soon you will realize that. Wanting to end it all is understandable but dont persue that avenue. You can feel better with the proper help and learn to channel your feelings to where they need to be. I have always been a fighter, which may be why I overcame it at an early age. You can find the strength too...just look deep inside yourself. And dont let the people or person who did this to you take anymore away from you. There are so many loving and caring people out there who can help you through all this and then when you break free from the prison that was bestowed on you, you can finally live the happy and joyful life that was meant for you. Dont give up....im a survivor and so are you. I know that talking about it to a therepist is hard, been there. But once its all out, you will feel better. Harbouring such a horrendous "secret" is terrible. Let the therepist help you and trust me hon, he/she is not judging you. IT WASNT YOU who did the bad thing. Beat this...you have the strength, just find it. God Bless you and I hope you find peace.
Have you ever heard of Joyce Meyer? She is a woman minister that had the same kind of childhood that you described. But God has completely restored and healed her and is doing wonderful things with her life. I would highly recommend that you listen to her. She preaches and teaches on T.V. and on the internet and also has written many books. I KNOW she can help you.
After reading what everyone else had to say, I feel like it is my turn. I am 42, female, married to my third hubby, have ADD, am mildly bi-polar, overweight, and am insulin resistant. If this weren't enough, I also have ptsd due ot having been molested by a live-in family member from age 2 to about 8. That was compounded by parents that didn't tell me he did anything wrong. Since I am the eldest, I was not the focus where attention was concerned and he picked up the slack. I didn't know it was wrong. My parents just moved him out after finding out about it. I came home from school and he was gone. I felt I had been deserted. My parents are not affectionately demonstrative people anyway. My mother was/is verbally abusive and my father was/is physically and verbally abusive. Consequently, I was abuse, but I am very affectionate. I have turned my children into very affectionate people. I feel almost starved for affection sometimes. I suffered physical and verbal abuse from both of my ex-husbands. I was very sexually active as a teen. I have been raped more than once, all by persons I was acquainted with. I now have a very understanding husband. He loves me and would not even consider raising his hand to me. It took until I was almost 30 to get to a point where I liked myself. I had to come to grips with the fact that I am not perfect, but I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment I got. Was it fair? NO WAY! Am I survivor? OH YEAH! You can survive this. You need to seek therapy whether it is group or one to one. Medication may help, but it will not work alone. Most of all, you need to find the good things about yourself and focus on them. You have what I hope is a long life ahead of you (original poster). At 19, I hope you can get the help you need and come to grips with the fact that you didn't do it, you didn't deserve it, and you cannot go back and change it. I tried to commit suicide more than once. The last time, I almost succeeded. My heart had stopped, but the docs brought me back. Apparently, God said it wasn't my time yet. I was not much older than you are now. Please know that somewhere, someone cares. I don't know you, but as part of the human race you are a person. As a person, you have feelings and I CARE about you as a person. Please, if you want to email me just for someone to vent your feelings with, go for it. firstname.lastname@example.org