hope this message finds everyone doing well. i had a very different childhood myself and mostly due to neglect and non caring. i had spoke with my doc the other day and was wondering why when there was no love shown or the neglect in full swing when i was a child, why then did all these years i hoped and wished that i would one day have a mother/daughter relationship?? after everything that went on physical-couldn't talk about it, neglect-couldn't talk about it, sexual-couldn't talk about it.
in other words there was never any kind of relationship with anyone in my house (11 of us) we were strangers living in the same house!! anytime anything was said it was always misconstuded and turned into something ugly, this is just through my mother but yet i waited and waited for a relationship with her. i used to cry when i would see a mother and daughter together. i am 42 and realize and have realized for the past maybe 10 years that this was never going to happen. but i would wonder why after everything did i want one with her anyway?? i could never figure that out about me!!!
right now i have 3 children, all boys, so in this lifetime i will never experience a mother/daughter relationship!! but i do have great relationships with all my boys, if nothing else i learned how to love completely, my children. i just also have no relationship with any of my brothers or sisters. there is too much mistrust there and i hate it. how i prayed that when we were all adults that we could look past everything and move on and have a relationship. but it never happened. as far as i am as a person i am very standoffish and don't trust people well. and i always have to think and rethink before i speak, (that is from the verbal abuse, always being call stupid, i guess it gets to ya after awhile!!)
well now that i rambled almost a whole novel, i must say i am so very glad i came across this board. for some reason it is a lot easier for me to type what has gone on than to actually speak of it. not even my closest friend have i told about my past. ya know everything is wonderful with me, i had a wonderful childhood.... (marcia brady lol) i have a terrible time saying anything about my childhood. and yes there is a lot of my past i dont remember at all and i think for me it is for the best.
have a great day everyone
keep in touch on the board
2/98 anterior laminectomy c5/6-c6/7 w/titatium plate and six screws-used my own hip bone
returned to work in sept/98
oct/98 was struck from behind by a bus! never had an accident before this!!
4/2000 i went to the docs again and was told to go home soak in tub and take ibprophen well took advise and as soon as i leaned back my neck snapped.. my neck fractured after all this come to find out my site hasn't fused yet,
2nd surgery coming up 8/27/2003 posterior this time
Andrea, I can really relate to what you're saying. My sisters and mother can be a pretty mean and nasty bunch. And my father is outnumbered, so he pretty much goes along with whatever my mother says.
For most of my life, I thought it was all my fault that they were always very verbally abusive to me. I thought I had a serious character flaw that somehow invited that behavior. I remember being very small, and someone would say something mean to me, then the others would join in, and then I would cry. Then, they would laugh. This wasn't just the siblings, it was the parents, too. They seemed to get happier the more I cried.
But now...(after lots of discussions with many friends, and a good therapist)...I have finally come to understand that if people have to be mean constantly, they have the problem and not me. I feel sorry for them, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with it.
Either I think and re-think (like you, Andrea!) before I speak. Or I speak fast with them, in a tense rush to get everything out before someone interrupts. Almost always, someone interrupts, and that bothers me a lot. Telling them to stop just makes them frantic and they say, "We never interrupt, you're crazy, etc."
I know that people have gone through much worse than I have. But often, I struggle with my feelings about my family (especially since they still act this way with me, it never changed throughout the years).
My friends tell me that it's healthiest for me to stay away from these people. They're probably right, since it makes me so tense to be around them.
Andrea, I have to commend you on how good your relationship is with your boys. I love hearing stories about people who broke the cycle with own their kids after their own particularly sad or frightening experiences in their own childhood...
I hope to do the same thing, when I have kids.
[This message has been edited by Sting66 (edited 08-22-2003).]
I was reading about you and wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one that wonders how you made it through childhood and can show love and affection and TRUST towards your children! My family was demonstrative enough with the hugs and kisses (I am the 'baby' of the family -- 2 older sisters and twin brothers that are 5 yrs older)--- however, the thing that gets to me (and got to me then also!), is that whenever I had a 'feeling' that wasn't in the popular opinion I was made to feel like that was not acceptable. If you didn't agree and go with the flow, there was something wrong with you. And I tell you what, the last thing that I have EVER done is go with the flow! I was sexually abused as a young girl by a person in the community that was supposed to be a role model and respected by most. He took away my childhood, I can never forget not even one second of what went on. It has really begun to affect me to the point of not being able to function, I have been hiding from this for over 30 years. I am now 45 and having to try to pick up the pieces and learn why I feel the way I do and do the things I do. I never told my parents about the abuse and they have both passed away now, so it's too late. The thing of it is, that I didn't tell my mom back then because she always made me feel as though anything that happened to me was my own fault, no matter what it was. I mean, don't get me wrong, she loved me very much, I just think that this is the way she was raised to think and she thought it was just so, you are responsible for EVERY aspect of your life. And back then, around 1967 or so, NO ONE talked about sex and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE talked about an adult being wrong! God forbid! So all this time I've gone along wondering what's wrong with me and why I do some of the self-destructive things that I do and I am finally starting to go to counseling and am going to have to tell a stranger face-to-face all about it. And you know what? It took me all this time to realize it really WASN'T my fault! And I should have told someone, God only knows how many other innocent children this disgusting excuse for a man used for his pleasure and screwed up their heads!! I really could go on for a long time, but I have to stop. The thing I wanted to tell you though is now that my siblings and I are all adults, of the other 4 there is only 1 that I really get along with. My sisters judge me without wanting to know the 'whys' behind my actions and if I ever told them they would probably tell me that I imagined it or am over-reacting. One of my brothers is angry at the world and I believe that it is because he remembers his own part in inappropriate sexual behavior where I am concerned. The other brother once tried to apologize, but it was so hard for him, I just told him I know you're sorry, it's okay, I know you love me. He and I are very close and would do anything for the other one. Sometimes it is just best to stay away from those that want to TELL you how you should feel, because as the saying goes, your feelings are your own and you have a right to feel however you want to or need to at the moment. Well, I have really gone off on a tangent, sorry! Maybe we'll talk one day again!
I was amazed when I read your post because I came from the same background. Would you believe there was 11 in my house too? Also, my mother was the one with most of the major problems - same as in your situation! Also I am around your age as well.
I congratulate you for not allowing your past to ruin your relationship with your boys.
I have come a long way myself from the destructive nature of my mother. I had suffered severe panic attacks and depression from her, but it hasn't been until recently (in about the last 2 years) that I have let go of my anger toward her.
I ended up in 4 years of therapy, on antidepressants, but, surprisingly the main turning point in my life was listening to a radio psychologist one night and she was complaining about how her mother was now neglected her child (the caller's child). The psychologist said to her basically this: "you can go on and complain about your mother and be miserable over her for the rest of your life BUT THERE IS NO PAYOFF IN DOING SO." It was definitely (what Oprah calls a "lightbulb moment" for me) because I had been doing the same thing.
I finally just forgave her. I realized that she was really sick not me (it took years for me to believe this). And just realized that there really wasn't any payoff with me going through the rest of my life hating her.
[This message has been edited by fm5 (edited 09-20-2003).]