New here and Canadian - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

Woman49 · 09-26-2003, 03:53 AM

Am just posting a hello and intro

I've had ptsd issues much of my life (am a 49 yr old mom of 2 grown kids and a granny

and fit the
chronic and complex categories. My issues not related to military service, but to childhood severe and ongoing happenings, and to some major life threatening things as a 19 yr old, then later as a grownup.

ptsd knocked my socks off in the mid 80's... triggered by someone that was pushing all my deepest fear buttons. My old landlord (in his 80's at the time)took a shine to me and got very very obsessive and wierd ... he was sickening and gross, like he was lost in a total obsessive fantasy out of his control. Scared the beegeezus outta me and I was fearful he might try something with my toddler, or end up attacking me. I moved pretty quick... but that episode threw me into having my past traumas, much totally blocked out, resurface thru all the ways ptsd forces processing. What a ride. It was all horrifying and horrorful...etc

I've read some posts in here. The ones about forgotten memories, etc. I'd just like to say that if there are gaps in your memory of your history, there may be a good reason for that. Its tough to say, and I wouldn't dwell on the importance of "absent memory" because if there's stuff there, it will surface when and if it does, and if it does, I believe that just means the mind is ready to know what it knows for some good healthy reason, and is ready to understand.

I know others who experience, or experienced, ptsd, from various roots. Military. Abuse. Rape. Accident. Violence. Work. It seems that no matter what the roots are, the dynamics and process are the same.

I think if someone as an adult is hit by a trauma that causes ptsd, who has experienced major trauma in their childhood or past, then the whammy will be that much more powerful and complex... and chronic... and therefore harder and more frustrating to live with and deal with/treat. Logical

Well ... no matter in here

All that matters in here is what its doing to us and our relationships and lives now, how to deal with it, etc

You'll find a lot of sympathy and empathy in me... cause I know what it can be like. Things can still trigger me, and knee jerk reactions can happen out of the blue. Timing can really suck

eek

I'm looking forward to the conversations in here, with everyone... and isn't it wonderful to have places to have honest and open conversations like this????

have to go...take care!

------------------
"Faith ... this too shall pass."

Tigre · 09-26-2003, 07:30 AM

Hi,
You're right about the ptsd bringing back some forgotten or "dealt" with issues. I have always been a strong person until this year. In Jan I got hit in the head by a 5 ft metal door and it required staples to close it, doc said I was lucky because it could have been fatal. My small kids witnessed it and it was a mess as well as all the crap following it. I have partial complex seizures do to this and permanant neck adn right shoulder muscle damage. I cant drive and lost the ability to draw..(amateur artist). But since all this has happend, it like brought back all the things that I had laid to rest with a vengeance...molested, raped, my parents divorce ( i was blamed) twice from each other let alone other people, almost being killed by an ex drug abusive boyfriend and last but not least living through Hurricane Andrew. And that was just brought back up with the Hurricane Isabelle thing....phew talk about a panic then!!! I have permanat damage now and I am having such a hard time dealing with all this. All the other stuff before the head injury was dealt with and therefore i tended to not think about it...if i did it was just a passing thought...no panic or anxiety involved. But my neuro psychologist said that the head injury pushed the PTSD button so to speak. I am so nowhere near the person that I was. But I will handle it and things will get better...if only these meds would start working together instead of against each other lol. Anyway, thank you for you story and to let me vent whats been hounding me for a few days now.
Take care,
Angi

Woman49 · 09-27-2003, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tigre:
Hi,
You're right about the ptsd bringing back some forgotten or "dealt" with issues. I have always been a strong person until this year. In Jan I got hit in the head by a 5 ft metal door and it required staples to close it, doc said I was lucky because it could have been fatal. My small kids witnessed it and it was a mess as well as all the crap following it. I have partial complex seizures do to this and permanant neck adn right shoulder muscle damage. I cant drive and lost the ability to draw..(amateur artist). But since all this has happend, it like brought back all the things that I had laid to rest with a vengeance...molested, raped, my parents divorce ( i was blamed) twice from each other let alone other people, almost being killed by an ex drug abusive boyfriend and last but not least living through Hurricane Andrew. And that was just brought back up with the Hurricane Isabelle thing....phew talk about a panic then!!! I have permanat damage now and I am having such a hard time dealing with all this. All the other stuff before the head injury was dealt with and therefore i tended to not think about it...if i did it was just a passing thought...no panic or anxiety involved. But my neuro psychologist said that the head injury pushed the PTSD button so to speak. I am so nowhere near the person that I was. But I will handle it and things will get better...if only these meds would start working together instead of against each other lol. Anyway, thank you for you story and to let me vent whats been hounding me for a few days now.
Take care,
Angi

Hi Angi ... vent all you want. I can take it

Somethings are just better out than in... like thots that just want to be expressed somewhere hey?

**** ... you have had a rough go, and I understand what its like to suddenly have a disability too where you can't do what you've always loved doing anymore. Arthritis effects my hands... which I've always loved doing creative things, and making money. Money making is limited now too

No more jewelry and flogging for that extra income. I also just loved to USE myhands...hand-writing was a big joy, typing and keyboarding just ain't the same. I love to massage my sweetie too, andcan't anymore...hurts me too much, etc.
I'm going on and on here just to let you know I empathize and know how hard it can be to accept and adapt to losing an ability that brought joy and/or money making ability. Those issues can really hit me deeply sometimes. Put me in a really deep down. You have to go thru the grief process for the losses tho. Accepting is a process hey? Takes time to know all the "you don't know what you got til its gone" things.

Isn't it a drag to have a history of trauma so that when a new one hits then the whammy brings the old stuff up too? Seems like nothing is experienced totally for the current trauma or problem. The door is always opened to the old stuff too.

I DO know that I've worked and processed thru a lot of my most severe traumas so that they don't derail me anymore. I think thats due to understanding and to just plain old "desensitization" thru exposure ... if you see something enough eventually you won't be afraid of it because you learn that seeing it can't, and doesn't, harm you. Can't hurt you anymore because its past and not happening anymore, etc.

Same with phobias I guess. Overcoming fears. Your logical head may know that little spider won't hurt you, but your emotional side just won't bloody believe or trust that, so every time you see a spider you glom onto the ceiling with your claws. Practice practice practice.... exposure til theres no fear because the fear is unrealistic now. Like little kids we have to have that proven. Fear is the problem. Not the spider.

blah blah blah ...

Anywise Angi, I'm sorry to hear what you went thru,the past and the accident that disabled you. As for the panics etc ... they're horrible to go thru, but they do pass. It takes a whle to trust that and ride them out. Meanwhile, there are a lot of little techniques to try manage when things are getting too intense, or you're hit with an attack. Its just a panic attack and will pass, but doesn't feel like it.

I used to force my focussed attention on my hand, clench and relax my hand while forcing myself to breath slowly and deeply. It took practice and it worked more often then not to help derail a panic, or cope with it once it started.

I have to go now, but will keep visiting back here. Write as much as you want

Thanks for your reply and for sharing some of your story...take care!

Tigre · 09-29-2003, 09:25 AM

Hi again,
Thanks for your reply and caring. I understand so much of what you say. Ive been having a rough time lately because I had my final medical exam and now know for sure that I have permanant damage and wont (still cant accept it though) be able to draw again and this is how I will be. I try to look at the bright side that at least I got better than I was. I will deal with this and overcome the "blah" feeling of this info but for now i guess im in the "grieving" process that you mentioned. I thank you so much for caring and your words do help. Take care and have a blessed day.

sniffy · 11-04-2003, 07:19 PM

Hello Woman 49 and Tigre.

Woman 49 I am Canadian too. I live in Toronto. I read both of your posts and was freaked because I could have written them myself. I am dealing with past and present trauma. I still get tons of flashbacks and nightmares and memories. I had lost a giant chunk of my childhood till this came out. I always knew that it happened but I stuffed it so far back in my head and tried to carry on as normal. I guess that you can only do that for so long. When it comes you just can't stop it. I was committed to the hospital last week on a 72 hour hold because I was walking around in the middle of the night. I had been having wicked flashbacks and had to get out of the house. Unfortunately it was 2am and when the cops asked me what I was doing I was half in the past and half in the present. They knew I was mental and took me to the hospital. That definitely was not a good experience.

Isn't it sad that we have so much in common all because of childhood trauma.

I totally empathize with both of you. Hope you are both feeling a bit better day by day.

heather