It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 06-15-2003, 12:43 AM   #1
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Middletown, New York, USA
Posts: 11
Pamk HB User
Angry My Mother is Toxic!

I, unfortunately have a toxic mother. I am better off when she is not in contact with me and vice versa. Something happens to me when I come into contact with her. She has lied and betrayed me and has gotten me into trouble with things. She has made my family turn against me and believe what she tells them. She also has tried to sway health professionals her way but thanks to the HIPAA laws she didn't stand a chance. There is a big anger problem here for me and I wish I could rid myself of the anger and hostility that I feel when I think of her. She is in "denial" that I have "mental illness" (depression and anxiety) and has never given me any credit as far as anything goes. She never gave me any credit or a pat on the back when it comes to how I take care of my daughter. I am only berated and put down and told that I should do it this way, not my way.

I guess this is more of a vent than anything but she is the cause of my PTSD. I was recently hospitalized and I had flashbacks of her shaking me and telling me how she was going to take me to "family court and give you away so that you can be a foster child..." I relive this on an almost daily basis. It hurts so bad and nothing is making it go away. I am 37 and I cannot seem to get rid of this anger and hurt.

Thanks for listening.

 
Old 06-17-2003, 08:57 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: watertown,wi,usa
Posts: 775
ffsmith HB User
Post

My mother is the same in many ways.
She lies and steals form me. Tries to put me in jail and get me on the medications that she wants.
She also is part turning the family against me.

It sounds like your mother is probably worse than mine is however.
But it also sounds like you probably have more of a “life” than I do.

For me it is not so much one event, but I just can not get over the feeling that to my mother and father
I am a failure and a disappointment.
I can not get over the fact that they do not like me but that they like my brother and sisters.
That they think I have the “problem”
And that I am defective.
They have said this, and they have treated me like this all my life

Besides making me feel sad

It is all I know about myself.
It is the only way I know how to treat myself.

All I ever learned is that I am bad, defective looser, and failure
All I ever learned is how to hate me and attack me emotionally and mentally

Nobody ever showed me how to love me?
How do I do that?
How do I like me?
How do I be supportive of me?

Nobody demonstrated that to me.

All I know how to do is to attack and hate me,
I imitate my parents and I hate me.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 06-19-2003, 09:34 PM   #3
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Middletown, New York, USA
Posts: 11
Pamk HB User
Post

You sound so much like me. Really. All of my life I was told how much of a failure I am, that I would be taken to family court and given away, brat, instigator, my sisters did nothing wrong, it was always me, of course. I was the trouble maker of the family. I have no life at all. My daughter is my life but she is not living here with me right now thanks to my mother and her plots and schemes to get me "help" but believe me I am helping myself without her and she will be the one who loses out.

I was just recently in the hospital as I said in my last post and they told me that I have to prove her wrong. You should prove them wrong too. Prove them all wrong. Get in counseling if you aren't and get better for no one else but yourself. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I am 37. I was always hated by my sisters. I am in the middle. Even my mother's parents didn't care for me much at all. I found a letter that my maternal grandmother wrote to my mother telling her to put me in a school for troubled kids. I was troubled but you know why? I needed love and I needed to learn how to love myself because no one showed me how to. You said the same thing in your post. No one showed you or taught you how to love yourself and now you hate yourself and that is really sad. I hate myself too but I try to make the best of what I have and most of the time it doesn't work and I spend many hours crying in the car or in my bed, wherever no neighbors will hear.

I am trying very hard to get better. With 37 years of trauma we can't expect it to happen overnight. Your parents and your family are the ones who are sick. They gave you your trauma and you need to get help for it if you aren't. You can get over this and so can I but we can't do it alone. You sound really sad and I can very much understand why. If it doesn't sound as though you have posttraumatic stress disorder I don't know what else, depression and anger too. I have lots of that. I take it out on myself and what does that do? It only scars me. It doesn't make my "mother" hurt, but me. It says up top No HATEFUL posts but this is post has hateful feelings because I very much hate my mother but I also want to get over it and over her.

I wish you luck. Don't give up. I refuse to give up. Do everything you can to prove them wrong. They are the ones with the problems but they hurt you and made you have problems. They are in denial. They pick on the weak or the black sheep and watch us squirm. My mother gets off on that stuff. She is sick. I would love to have her committed for a psych eval. What information they could find in her! Dreaming!

Don't give up. Best of luck to you.

Pam

 
Old 06-22-2003, 12:46 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: watertown,wi,usa
Posts: 775
ffsmith HB User
Post

My mother is cold and gets off on that stuff too.
She hates my dad. They went to a marriage counselor who told them with out a doubt to get a divorce.
She decided instead to stay with my father but to hate him, disrespect him and make his life hell.
He tells me that in 10 years that they have had sex 3 times.
All I know is he has a lot of porn and she has a stack of about 1000 romance novels

So yes they are not perfect either.

I am very sad. I want to kill myself.

Everyone says that that you should not kill yourself because that is just giving into you parents and giving them more power than they have.
Others say that you should not kill yourself because that will make you parents and family feel bad.

I do not really care about any of that however; I want to do it because I am really sad like you said.

But I would like to not give up too?

I know that they will never change and that I will never prove them wrong. At least not to the point where they say that they were wrong. They do not know how to say sorry or that they are wrong.
(I admit it is hard for me to --- having never seen them do it)

I do not know exactly how old I am. I have not kept track or celebrated a birthday since grade school.
I was born in ’71 and my birthday is in about 3 weeks that is all I know.


 
Old 06-22-2003, 08:49 PM   #5
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Middletown, New York, USA
Posts: 11
Pamk HB User
Unhappy

I am sorry you have the same kind of rotten parents that I have. I have wanted to die for a long time but I can't give up. I feel that in the future somewhere there will be happiness and that gives me hope. It sounds like you are really depressed and I can tell why, so am I. If I were to kill myself it would only make my parents and other family members talk about how "sick" I was and what a pity it was that I didn't "get the help" that I needed, blah, blah, blah. I had two cousins kill themselves and it hurts the family more than anything. This was years ago but the mother and sister are the only ones left and it still haunts them. I feel that is a selfish way to go and there has to be hope for people who feel so sad and depressed and just not worth trying to live anymore.

Are you on meds? I am on a bunch. They help at times but I end up sleeping my days and nights away most times and wake up about 5 pm some days and then stay up until maybe 2 am and then the cycle continues again. It isn't much of a life but I am living. I have a child and eventually I hope to get her back. She hasn't been with me for about a month or so. That is one reason why I will never trust my parents again. I hate my mother with a passion but as bad as the fantasies are about what I could do I would never because I have to live MY life the best I can and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in prison or worse.

I often wonder what it will be like after she dies. If I will miss her or if I will be relieved. My grandmother (her mother) didn't like me very much at all and when she died I didn't shed a tear. I can see that happening with me when she dies. She has a long life ahead of her though probably because her own mother was about 94 when she died. She has about 20 more years or so.

There is a woman I know who has a mother like ours and she just deals with her and "uses humor" whatever that means so it doesn't get to her as much. I am too much of a softie and I cry too easily and let things get to me too easily.

Don't give up. It is too easy in one way but hard in others. I hope you get some help so you can get out of this somehow. I am going to counseling now once a week and although I don't really like it, it is helping a little tiny bit each time.

Pam

 
Old 06-22-2003, 10:28 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: watertown,wi,usa
Posts: 775
ffsmith HB User
Post

I do not think I would cry if my parents died either.
I probably would not feel relieved either.
And that is not healthy.

I am glad therapy is helping you a little.
I am thinking about changing therapist soon.
I wish you the best and your daughter

 
Old 06-22-2003, 11:39 PM   #7
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Middletown, New York, USA
Posts: 11
Pamk HB User
Smile

Hi again. If you are not getting anywhere with the therapist you have now then move on to another one. Every therapist has their own way of treating their patients and it doesn't always work for everyone plus there are others who are better than some!

I like that you are thinking about finding a different therapist because that really means that you want to keep trying. That is good. You know that too, right? Right now you sound very down and distraught. Don't give into that feeling and try, as hard as it is to keep going and maybe hopefully someday with the right meds and treatment you can pull through this. You are still very young. You have plenty of time to get better. I am older than you, 37 but I still want to think I have plenty of time too. Keep on trying.

Keep on posting.

Thank you for the well wishes for my daughter and I. I have a foster care woman coming here tomorrow to INSPECT my apartment. It is 2:37 AM and I am working. I cancelled her last week because I didn't want to face her but I can't do that today. She has to come and if I pass her inspection and interview they will recommend that I get my daughter back when we go to court on July 18th, or 17th, a Thursday anyhow. I have to try to put on a big happy act but I can tell you I am not happy and I just want these people to get the hell out of my life and leave me and my daughter alone. They pick on people who have mental illness but don't see that the people who did it to us are the ones who are "acting" normal, like my mother! She comes across to outsiders as so normal and it just makes me want to puke.

Try to get some rest and take care of you. Post again if you want. I will check back soon.

Pam

[This message has been edited by Pamk (edited 06-23-2003).]

 
Old 06-23-2003, 07:20 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: watertown,wi,usa
Posts: 775
ffsmith HB User
Post

I know what you mean

I hope the “inspection” goes well
I hope you get your daughter back

Good luck to you

 
Old 06-23-2003, 10:39 PM   #9
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Middletown, New York, USA
Posts: 11
Pamk HB User
Smile

Thanks. The inspection went well. The woman was real nice and told me I didn't have anything to worry about but of course the final decision will be made by the judge. They will give recommendations that she be returned.

I hope you get a better therapist. I went to mine today and I asked her if she was going to be retiring any time soon. She did tell me that she was going to be cutting back. Of course that didn't make me feel any better. I have been seeing her off and on since 1990. It is hard to start off with someone new but if I have to I will.

I hope you feel better soon. Take care of YOU!

Pam

 
Old 07-25-2003, 09:34 PM   #10
Newbie
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: WI
Posts: 7
Deb41 HB User
Post

I also have a toxic mother.. She is nice to everyone else but me and my family. I took her in coz she was sick.. i thought humm good oppertunity to get to know each other again . WRONG! She has hurt me so much and in some ways she has taught me how to be a good doormat.. I'm getting stronger with all the anger I have inside.. that the only one that can make me happy is me. And tell people how i feel. Even if they don't like to hear it. She Moved out i could not do it any moer i had anziety attacks and just could not sleep..And my kids could see what was happening to me and they were worried. I feel somewhat better now but the only thing now is with the recovery of my abuse I can feel my feelings. Sometimes i don't want to coz I been depressed for about 6 months now I'm slowly getting better.. with her gone. The best thing is to detach with love.. You will always love your parents no matter what but you can make a choice that they can't hurt you any more..It takes lots of practice but it works.. One thing my councler told me just a weekago..i have been reading about boundries and she said think of this.. If you get that gut feeling someone has over steped your boundries.. and you have a choice to get angry or to tell them how you feel or just how to react.. Another thing she told me yrs ago. With anger and reaction is to Fell the feeling , Act on what your feeling and then make a decision how your going to react...

Well I said enough
Peace * Love
Deb in WI
__________________
Noone can go back and make a brand new start But we can always start from now and make a brand new ending.

 
Old 08-18-2003, 10:31 AM   #11
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: boston
Posts: 15
stayinonbriteside HB User
Post

hi ladies
i too have a toxic mom, i never thought of it that way but that is the definition of my mother. i will try to make this short kinda hard but i will try lol
i grew up in a large family and it was like strangers living in the same house. my mother loved to cause problems for everyone, was never taught to get along she just loved to fuel everyones fire. this is of course when she was home, there was a lot of neglect and everytning i had to say was stupid!! so of course i started to not talk hardly at all ( i even had anxiety when i was asked a question, something as little as the weather, i always felt i was going to say or do something stupid. there was never any love shown and if i tried i was called an idiot or whatever.
now i am 42 i take meds for my anxiety and i see a shrink, which is rather difficult cause trying to tell him what is going on is hard but i am slowly coming around. to this day brothers and sisters dont talk to each other and i could kiss my friend goodbye before i could a family member.
so believe me when i say my mother is toxic there is sooo much more to the story than what i have here. but i find it easier to type about my past than to talk about it lol!! anyway my depression is so terrible sometimes but i don't show it, dont know how to reach out to people. well funny tho cause growing up in such a terrible way and i always thought everyone grew up this way, that is until i had a child of my own, that is when i really started to look at things differently. i wondered how my mother could treat such a wonderful, beautiful child the way she did me?? i guess the only good thing that came out of it is how much i love my children and how i would never, never, ever treat them like that. to me my children are the best thing that has happened to me and i don't see how my mother thought what a terrible thing children were to her. how else can i explain the way we were treated.
i am just glad that i am strong enough to break such a terrible cycle. well sorry for rambling didn't mean too. but i am so glad to talk to someone about how i feel. even though i have friends that would listen also, i just have a hard time talking about it, i was always told what ever goes on in my home (childhood home) stays in that home. i was not aloud to tell anyone about anyting, i even lied to friends about christmas i would tell them all the things i got and in fact there was nothing there for us.
hope all is well with you guys
andrea
__________________
2/98 anterior laminectomy c5/6-c6/7 w/titatium plate and six screws-used my own hip bone

returned to work in sept/98

oct/98 was struck from behind by a bus! never had an accident before this!!

4/2000 i went to the docs again and was told to go home soak in tub and take ibprophen well took advise and as soon as i leaned back my neck snapped.. my neck fractured after all this come to find out my site hasn't fused yet,

2nd surgery coming up 8/27/2003 posterior this time

 
Old 08-22-2003, 01:55 PM   #12
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Boston
Posts: 21
Sting66 HB User
Exclamation

Wow! I am relatively new to these boards but after reading about all of your experiences here, I can't help but write something!

I, too, can't believe that a mother would treat her own child this way.

I pulled away from my very abusive mother four years ago, and she also succeeded in turning the whole family against me. (They kind of had been against me forever, but my pulling away and taking an assertive stand made them all go for my throat...in a manner of speaking.)

I am much better off without them, but can't help feeling wistful that I don't have a family to call when something wonderful happens, or to cry to when something bad happens! I just have to keep my distance from them.

I am so glad I found this board!

Sally

 
Old 08-23-2003, 06:10 PM   #13
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: boston
Posts: 15
stayinonbriteside HB User
Wink

hi sally,
some how reading your message was reading something i would have written!!! i too have not spoken to family i am not too sure who disowned who anymore, but i do know that ever since i made a stand no one talks to me either between that and my mother making sure to help them see what an awful child i am!! she was always good for that, instead of helping us get along she loved to add fuel to the fire. anyway i too find it strange that there are times that i miss them but in the same sense am glad to have such a burden taken off my shoulders. i dont understand it.
well i am glad you found this board cause it does help take a lot off your shoulders, just to be able to talk about it helps somewhat, don't ya think.

well take care and keep strong
andrea

------------------
2/98 anterior laminectomy c5/6-c6/7 w/titatium plate and six screws-used my own hip bone

returned to work in sept/98

oct/98 was struck from behind by a bus! never had an accident before this!!

4/2000 i went to the docs again and was told to go home soak in tub and take ibprophen well took advise and as soon as i leaned back my neck snapped.. my neck fractured after all this come to find out my site hasn't fused yet,

2nd surgery coming up 8/27/2003 posterior this time
__________________
2/98 anterior laminectomy c5/6-c6/7 w/titatium plate and six screws-used my own hip bone

returned to work in sept/98

oct/98 was struck from behind by a bus! never had an accident before this!!

4/2000 i went to the docs again and was told to go home soak in tub and take ibprophen well took advise and as soon as i leaned back my neck snapped.. my neck fractured after all this come to find out my site hasn't fused yet,

2nd surgery coming up 8/27/2003 posterior this time

 
Old 08-25-2003, 06:43 AM   #14
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Boston
Posts: 21
Sting66 HB User
Post

Wow, I really am glad I found this board! I feel for everyone in these posts. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

I especially thought it was funny (well, funny and sad both) when my father called me up and told me, "Well, thanks to YOU, our family is now dsyfunctional." This is right after I took a stand and told family members that I would no longer be available to take their abuse. Yup...I made the family dysfunctional...LOL

Hey Andrea, best of luck with your surgery. I see it is just a few days away. Do let us know how you're doing!

Sally

 
Old 09-12-2003, 04:54 PM   #15
Newbie
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sparkle City, SC
Posts: 5
munder HB User
Post

Just stopped by this Board. Posting to give y'all some hope. I am a 50 yr. old female with a toxic mother. I am also a recovering alcoholic, sober 12 years. Resentment at my mother fueled many of my drinking binges. Getting sober and dealing with the resentment, then 18 months of therapy have helped me tremendously. I've changed in that I am no longer her doormat and no longer tolerate her manipulation. I do not instigate any contact with her. When she calls me, I talk with her as long as she maintains the boundaries I have set. When she steps over them, I tell her that I am hanging up, then do it. It infuriates her that I won't play her sick games. Tough! Part of my therapy was grieving the fact that we have never had a good relationship and never will. I learned to get the "mothering" I needed from other women--my dear loving mother-in-law & my AA sponsor. They are my "mothers." My mom is just someone I have to deal with occasionally. This has been a l-o-n-g and sometimes painful journey, but well worth it. A good therapist is well-worth any monetary investment!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Should I call my mother on her birthday? Angelique43 Relationship Health 28 04-25-2010 01:33 PM
how I deal with my toxic mother twrs7 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 0 04-01-2010 10:41 AM
Mother is Dying of Lung Cancer, sister doesn't care... Abigail121 Death & Dying 15 09-25-2009 04:45 PM
Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship 40FabFit Relationship Health 7 07-02-2009 03:36 PM
Can't take any more hurt from my mother. JulJul22 Relationship Health 22 06-25-2008 10:38 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (21), jennybyc (8), isitme (5), ladybud (4), afriendindeed (3), Arianna2 (3), Stupid feet (3), writeleft (2), Searchin (2), elle1bee2 (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (670), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:18 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!