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Old 01-13-2011, 08:06 PM   #1
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Hi I am new here.

hello, I am new here and just got out of the military in February of 2008. I was medically retired due to an ijury suffered overseas and I have also been diagnosed with PTSD/Acute Anxiety Disorder/Depression/Medicatioon resistant Insomnia. I am just looking for people who might have had similar diagnosis to speak with as I am fairly isolated in my small town. I have not lived here in the last 18+ years and I have no family left so I am pretty isolated. I have a problem being around a lot of people anyways so maybe it is a good thing I am so islolated;although there are times I wish I had someone to speak with. I was injured in Iraq and spent ten months in the hospital and finally was medically retired. It has been a hard adjustment being back here stateside because none of my family is living and I am pretty isolated. Although when I do attempt to get around people I end up feeling extremely uncomfortable and i just want to bury my head in the sand. As well I am in a group with alot of vets from Vietnam and they are almost resentful of me and the other OIF/OEF veterans because they think we got too many thanks for what we did . I got medically retired due to an injury received and while that is not good, I still am considerd 100% totally and permantly disabled.\
I feel like my life no longer has any purpose whatsoever.
Then again there are older veterans who after hearing in group about some of the things I accomplished and some of the deployments I went on - well -- they eventually change their minds... at least a a little bit. I never used to get uptight about anything but when I was wounded by enemy action (an IED on the side of the road) I started getting uptight around crowds and such...I have not even got my cable hooked up since i have been here because i do not want them to come into the house. I know it was complete pranoia probably but still it was not an option to allow a cable guy into my home.
Anyway I am looking for some ways to cope. The VA is okay here but you have to wait a month in beween sessions in order to see anyone one-on-one. So for now I am stuck with group.
Any suggestions you all might have to become more comfortable at this time would be very much appreciative.
I do not know what I expect to get out of any of this but I hope that I am making the right decision to post on this forum.
ANyway that is who I am and If you want to respond I will definitely be open to new experiences.
Take care and thanks for listening.
mountaineer1.1

 
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Old 01-14-2011, 02:23 AM   #2
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Re: Hi I am new here.

I can relate, yet I can not. I have not been in the military but I do have PTSD, insomnia, depression, and a drug addiction. I hope that this will be my last night doing drugs. I have said that it is now all I gotta do is do it.

I am here if you want to talk. You can talk to me about anything you want. It may help at some point to talk about what triggers you. Do you know what I mean? For me any little thing that sounds like a gun being cocked gives me an instant anxiety attack and I feel like I could just go completely off, berserk.

Insomnia, man, sometimes I enjoy it but when it turns into weeks...

I am sorry you don't have any family around. I have only my mother and we don't get along that well.

So message me or reply if you like. Sincerely, searchin

 
Old 01-14-2011, 08:44 AM   #3
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Re: Hi I am new here.

Thanks alot and I really appreciate it. I just have been having a hard time. I cannot stand loud noises and then deer hunting season where I live up in the mountains this year was totally outta hand. I tried to go out but just holding my weapon made me break down.....plus hearing all the gunshots when people did get deer did not make it much better. I feel like everyone thinks I am nuts just because I am an IraqAfghanistan Vet and they are treating me as a non-person in my small community. I know alot of veterans have done crazy things but I do not want to do anything nuts. I take out my anger on myself. I go to groups at the VA hospital that are supposed to help but they don't really....However, it is next to impossible to get a face to face/one on one session with anybody up there.
Anyway, We will chat mosr I am sure and again thanks for the offer to listen. I hope you did not use last night and same goes for you, if you ever need to talk then please do not hesistate. I am almost always on line unless I am outside playing with m Dog who is the only family I have left. Other than that I am in side playing on line. So please feel free to talk to me whenever you have to.
Cheers,
VP

 
Old 01-14-2011, 08:48 AM   #4
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Re: Hi I am new here.

I know I was told by Admin not to post my email address which left me in a panic because I thought I mistakenly had posted it when I first wrote my intro post. However I did not post my email address at all....is this a blanket email that the Admin send out to everyone? Just curious....I just re-read my first post and saw no email in the whole thing so like I said I was just curious. I know enough to know not to give my email out to anyone in a public forum....and I was sweating bullets thinking lack of sleep had made me do something stupid.

 
Old 01-14-2011, 09:31 AM   #5
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Re: Hi I am new here,

Quote:
Originally Posted by vetparatrooper View Post
hello, I am new here and just got out of the military in February of 2008. I was medically retired due to an ijury suffered overseas and I have also been diagnosed with PTSD/Acute Anxiety Disorder/Depression/Medicatioon resistant Insomnia. I am just looking for people who might have had similar diagnosis to speak with as I am fairly isolated in my small town. I have not lived here in the last 18+ years and I have no family left so I am pretty isolated. I have a problem being around a lot of people anyways so maybe it is a good thing I am so islolated;although there are times I wish I had someone to speak with. I was injured in Iraq and spent ten months in the hospital and finally was medically retired. It has been a hard adjustment being back here stateside because none of my family is living and I am pretty isolated. Although when I do attempt to get around people I end up feeling extremely uncomfortable and i just want to bury my head in the sand. As well I am in a group with alot of vets from Vietnam and they are almost resentful of me and the other OIF/OEF veterans because they think we got too many thanks for what we did . I got medically retired due to an injury received and while that is not good, I still am considerd 100% totally and permantly disabled.\
I feel like my life no longer has any purpose whatsoever.
Then again there are older veterans who after hearing in group about some of the things I accomplished and some of the deployments I went on - well -- they eventually change their minds... at least a a little bit. I never used to get uptight about anything but when I was wounded by enemy action (an IED on the side of the road) I started getting uptight around crowds and such...I have not even got my cable hooked up since i have been here because i do not want them to come into the house. I know it was complete pranoia probably but still it was not an option to allow a cable guy into my home.
Anyway I am looking for some ways to cope. The VA is okay here but you have to wait a month in beween sessions in order to see anyone one-on-one. So for now I am stuck with group.
Any suggestions you all might have to become more comfortable at this time would be very much appreciative.
I do not know what I expect to get out of any of this but I hope that I am making the right decision to post on this forum.
ANyway that is who I am and If you want to respond I will definitely be open to new experiences.
Take care and thanks for listening.
mountaineer1.1

 
Old 01-14-2011, 09:34 AM   #6
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Re: Hi I am new here.

What kinds of things do you do to take out your anger on yourself? I used to cut myself. It seemed to let some of my pain out.

When I said you could message me I mean you can click on my account and send a private message that way. You don't have to, I just thought you might like to.

What is your dog's name? What kind of dog is it? I only have three dogs right now. At one time I had seventeen!

It is good that you go to the Veteran's center. At least you are getting out a little bit.
I am sorry for your sadness. Did you have to stay up for a long time when you were in the service? I mean did you stay up for more than twenty-four hours at a time? What sort of injury did you incur?

I am sorry for all the questions. I just thought it would make for conversation.

Hope to hear from you again...Sincerely, searchin

 
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:53 AM   #7
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Thumbs up Re: Hi I am new here,

I read your statement and was very moved... I am also depressed although for very different reasons to you. Helping others seems to give you a purpose in life, even if it just re focuses your attention for a little while. I'm looking for ways to move on and it is so hard. Phone helplines, some are crap, but just laugh.... smile... don't give up.... and if you feel like you are! take your time... cos you have plenty of time!!!! But tell yourself STOP... Breath deeply, talk to someone... I found the Samaritams are best. You are worthy!!! xx

 
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:49 AM   #8
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Re: Hi I am new here.

Yeah I stayed up for LOOOOONG periods of time in Iraq. I think the longest was about 4 days. I too have resorted to cutting as a means to cope. It is not for attention or anything but it is a definite way to release stresss and anxiety. It is like as soon as I do I instantly feel calm and relaxed. I have not been drinking as my stomach cannot take it nor have I ever done drugs. but there are alot more ways to hurt oneself than just those.
To top it all off, in the middle of my last tour of duty my mother committed suicide. We had never been close but I never thought such a thing would happen....I tried to be a good child...sending her money and making sure she could live in the house I purchased without rent or anything else. But nothing I did could prevent the invitable. Anyway, I have been a little more than a year and I am having some hard problems. I rarely leave my house except to go to PTSD groups at the VA and those are helping but they are groups. I have to wait 6 months between appointmnents at the VA.
I will PM you soon. I just am trying to gove others hereon the board a chance to respond to what I have to say in case they want to.
Thanks so much for being a "friend" here in this forum....I have never tried a forum before as most of them seem geared to eveything except mental health issues, but I stumbled across this one and it appears like it might be a good thing so far anyway.
Thanks a million.

 
Old 01-15-2011, 11:02 AM   #9
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Re: Hi I am new here.

Welcome, it seems you are at where I am and I am sure many others. I just found this site a few days ago. I didn't know where to turn to find someone or something to figure out what to do with myself. I can relate to the isolation and then at the same time feeling the loneliness.

I just entered a partial hositalization group yesterday and it's just something my therapist suggested to get me out of the house and around people. I know it will not cure me. I have so many issues that as the group was talking and doing different excercises I was a bit anxious and overwhelmed. It feels like it doesn't even touch the core of my problems. Not sure if your group is PTSD focused or a general mental health group? Right now my group is general and in my head I am screaming out....how do I help myself with PTSD as some other issues are unrelated. It does get you out of the home and around others so maybe you will find a connection that will help you through.

I find it terrible that the VA doesn't offer better services for our troops. Can you find a therapist outside of the VA? Someone who specializes with your conditions? I have weekly meetings one on one with a therapist who deals with PTSD & Anxiety. I still get impatient because I want a miracle to make it all stop but at least it's a face I see every week who knows what I am feeling that day just by looking at me.

Hopefully someone will have some helpful resources for you. Reaching out is a good start.

K~

 
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Old 01-15-2011, 11:33 AM   #10
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Re: Hi I am new here.

I can get a therapist on my own but of course the Veterans Administration will not pay for any services not offered by and through their facilities. hey just lump all of us together in a group with veterans from all different types of wars and half the time I feel like I am sitting in a group of men who seem to have a contest going as to whose war was a worse war. All war is a bad thing and I do not see why we all have to sit and waste half our time in group debating which war was worse. Anyway, I am sorry for whatever you have been through. I myself am just back home 1 year and 1 month and 10 days and I feel so out of place. I am black in the town I grew up in but I feel like a total stranger. That along with the fact that everyone who knows I went to Iraq automatically looks at me as if I am crazy and as if I might snap at any moment. My problem is that when I do snap I never think of hurting anyone else....just myself. I go for days without sleeping, without eating and without seeing anyone at all. I think the isolation is the worst. I mean I get interation when I go to groups so I guess that is a good thing but then the other 6 days a week I could care less if I see anybody. I do not know how to describe fully what goes on in my head but suffice it to say I am not in a good space.
Anyway thanks for responding and I really appreciate your help.

 
Old 01-15-2011, 11:38 AM   #11
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Re: Hi I am new here.

oh an another thing...the VA keeps telling me to accept my PTSD because I will have it or be dealing with it the rest of my life so I might as well resign myself to that idea right now. I am only in my 30's and I feel like my life is over because of this illness. As well due to the wounds I receieved in IRaq I already am facing a lifelong uphill battle due to that as well. I feel useless to the rest of the world and I do not know how, if it is even possible, that I could ever contribute anything good to the world. You know what? It is one thing to say that one has SEEN the worst part of humanity....but to admit to oneself that one has been a PART of the worst part of humanity is a whole other thing....I do not know how I will ever come to terms with that. I thought I might one day be able to offer something ggood to the world to make up for all the bad but since my injuroes prevent me from moving around as well as i would like then I do not know if that will be possible.
Anyway that is all I wanted to add...again thanks for the support.

 
Old 01-17-2011, 06:01 PM   #12
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Re: Hi I am new here.

Dont get me wrong...I am lucky to have any services available at all I guess. I mean alot of people with no insurance or limited insurance such as your situation have very few options available. So I reallu do hope that you can find the right program for you.....I found out to day the VA thinks my symtoms are bad enough that they want me to go to the PTSD pprogram in another state. They claim it is not a lock down psych ward and after the few few weeks you can leave and go home on the weekends but since the program they want to send me to is about 8 hours away, going home on Friday to only spend Saturday there is not really an option. But they say it is a good program. I think my mood would be much better if the medical side of the VA would get off its rear end and do the 8th and final surgery I need on my leg which was wounded in Iraq. I have had 7 surgeries and now to complete the whole thing I need a whole new knee. I have already had the upper part of my tibia which was shattered (I am actaully fortunate I did not lose my leg entirely) replaced by cadaver bone....and then Aside from that I have had another 6 surgeries. But the VA is dragging their feet on the knee replacement telling me I am too "young" to have one yet. I feel that they should do it bececause it was the governments war that got me in this mess and they should do the right thing. Besides with the new knee implants they are coming out with these new knees are lasting a great deal longer than the old implants used to.'
Anyway, i think if I could get some pain relief then that would improve my mood, as well as would being able to do all the normal things I used to be able to do;

Anyway, I am sorry fpor the loss of your son....I think that is why I was never married...I never wanted to lose a wife or a child...That and the fact that with my particular skill set in the military I was almost always deployed somewhere. Anyway Again I am sorry for your losss and I do hoe that you get the help you need.
take care

 
Old 01-17-2011, 06:06 PM   #13
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Re: Hi I am new here.

hey I still have not figured how to send a private message. I tried cliking on your name to the left of the reply section and on the avatars but I cannot find a way to send a message.

Anyway, there are just things i need to talk about that might not be suitable for the rest of the board.

 
Old 01-20-2011, 03:22 AM   #14
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Re: Hi I am new here.

hmmm...guess no one wants me to send them a message privately but that is cool....I just cannot talk about some of the more graphic things (like the night mare that woke me up tonight after only two hours of sleep and will likely have me up all day today and I have to drive to the daggone VA which is an 88 mile round trip for me but oh well...maybe I will get lucky and total my truck or something else exciting...I would like to get rid of my truck anyway so i can have a good excuse for never leavig my house...no transportation) Anyway, I appreciate all the help everyone has tried to give me here. I hope that I have been of some sort of help to someone but I probably have not been. I sincerely hope you all get better and that you can all get the help you need and deserve,. That is what pi$$e$ me off alot of times is I see people overseas getting all kinds of help, medically, financially, security wise and etc... but here in our own country people cannot get even the most basic help sometimes for medical and/or mental health issues and it just is not right...the government has turned its back on its own people it seems like and one thing I just realized recently.....it is one thing to come to terms with the fact that you have "seen" the worst part of humanity but it is a far more difficult process and takes a whole lot longer to come to terms with the fact that you were a "part of" the worst of humanity. I have that to deal with and I doubt that anyone can ever help me get over that or even come to terms with it....It is just something I am going to have to learn to live with and I will never be the same person I was before it all happened. Screw those terrorists on 9-11 because they started all this with their cowardly act and then we had a cowboy president who decided we could go to war every daggone where and he certainly had no idea what he was doing.....now the same thing is happening to friends of mine who are still serving and are going to Afghanistan.....it is a huge mess and all or children are going to pay for it in the long run.....hope the wealthy like their tax cuts because they sure have not done their part to help fund a daggone bit of this war and none of the soldiers I ever served with had any parents who made more than slightly above minimum wage unless there were a few I knew whom I must admit had parents who worked their rears off at their own businesses and made good livings but nowhere near the area where they would benefit from the Bush and now the Obama reinstated Bush tax cuts.

Sorry to vent but its been a rough night. I am outta here. later

Last edited by vetparatrooper; 01-20-2011 at 03:27 AM. Reason: typos

 
Old 01-20-2011, 03:39 AM   #15
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Re: Hi I am new here.

sorry for being such a bummmer a few minutes ago in that alst post. I just havenot been sleeoing or eating that much and generally feel like crap. I guess that is not the best time to start thinking abou the government at least not in my case. Anyway I am sorry if I offended anyone with my ranting. Take care.
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