I know this is long but I need to tell someone. Please read and give any advice. Ptsd
I'm just so overwhelmed right now. So I'll just tell alittle how this started. I never was the happiest kid. I was 10 times more happier then now tho despite the counseling sessions and everything.Mom and dad were always fighting and a horrible custody battle was the result. Both of them weren't acting very mature but I would prefer to live with my mom anyday. When I was 11 a corrupt judge took me away from my mom on false aligations and stuck my sister and me in a children's home. My counselor said I would never see my mom or family again. So for living in the home I was picked on at school and the judge made it illegal for me to contact anyone I knew..even friends. It was rediculous. This is when I started cutting. Eventually I got out and the judge put me with my dad and his new wife. That was complete hell. No matter what I would be mentally abused yelled at and told horrible things about my mom. They weren't rational and ended up physically abusing me. My sister was all i had and she was moved there alittle after me. She fought back against my dad more though and he sent her away. We found out later that he paid the judge on everything and sent her back to my mom cause he didn't want her. So now I was completly alone. I started rebelling and got into a crowd that was full of troubled kids. I started drinking a lot and experimenting with pot and some pills. I would cut all over myself and sneak out to see my mom when I could. It was heartbreaking seeing her cry when she had to give me up. My mom was not her former self.. When I was 14 my dad lost it and strangled me. He was arrested and I was taken into dhs custody and put into a shelter. They needed to investigate everything before they put me anywhere. I then moved in with my aunt. That was a happy day. A few months later I was back with my mom. When I was 15 that was one of the happiest years. I was in highschool with my sis. I lived in a nice house with my mom, sis and my moms bf. It doesn't last though. I was molested by a 30 year old and never told anyone that year.. My mom broke up with her bf so now I didn't have my moms bfs family anymore leaving me with only an aunt a sick gma and my mom and sis. We moved to a house that was falling apart. I couldn't handle my depression. I started drinking to cope again instead of just to have fun like when I was 15. Then my dad chainsawed his house apart and shot himself in the head. I kept pilling on the drugs. My mom got serverly depressed because of her post traumatic stress. She is never happy..I started doing pills. Oxycodone, tabs, xanax, valume, cocaine, meth, acid, shrooms, adderall, vvyans, morphine, drinking everyday, doing ecstasy twice or more a week etc...I get messed up everyday. I have cut myself so bad all over. Dropped out of school cuz of my drug and cutting problems Been to recovery centers twice in a year and even had to get staples for slicing my ankle open. I had unprotected sex for a min the other day and regret it. I stopped whhen i was doing thinking what was i doing so i made him pull out and he didn't ejaculate. So now I'm worried im pregnant and i want to abort it or make myself have a miscarriage which i know isn't safe or smart. I have no one to talk to and when I do no one really grasps what i'm saying. All I know are drug addicts. I think about suicide everyday and my mom said if it weren't for me being here and strong for her she couldn't live. My sister can care less about me now cuz she didn't go through all that I did. She just says i get a dead mans money. With all these drugs making it hard to concentrate and think rationally and having to pretend I'm ok I'm slowly dying. I'm a compusive liar now to cuz i have to lie about what i'm doing all the time that now it's natural and i feel like the biggest jerk..I care about people and hate seeing them in pain. When do I get help though. I've asked to go to rehab 3 times now and nothing. I really just feel like laying here and crying for the rest of my life which makes me feel pathetic cuz in reality my life isn't that bad compared to some people. I'm just so overwhelmed by these feelings and not being able to vent. Plus I'm scared of meds cuz last time i took zoloft for example it made me literally not have a conscious. please any advice I don't mean to whine but isn't this what this site is for?.. I'm tired of my depression and my ptsd and whatever else I have.I'm only 17 i'll be 18 in a few days this worries me..
Re: I know this is long but I need to tell someone.Please read and give any advice. P
I can somewhat relate with the drug abuse. My father became addicted to oxycodone & xanx. Im sure you know about the effects it has short & long term. Oxycodone is a very addicting drug & can be extremely dangerous. It ruined my dads life. From making a 6 figure salary to loosing everything including our house. He was addicted for 5 years & it wasnt untill he went to jail for 3 months that he went thru withdraws . I let him sit for 3 months but knew it had to be done. April 1,2011 marked his 2 years of being clean. If your addicted to "roxys", yes it is in the mind but you need professional help. My dad went thru withdrawls when he ran out for up to 4 days at a time. They have rehabs that will take you in but usually only for 3 days & I know from experience that it takes longer than that to never be able to go back. I take adderall & I am trying to get the strength to quit taking it. Adderall for me at times makes me depressed, have mood swings, makes me think like i normally wouldnt, it makes me become angered more easily & a few times, i had suicidal thoughts. I didnt do harm to myself but I found myself questioning if i would be better off "gone". Adderall is a psycostimulant & alot of the time, adderall is wrongly perscribed to people who dont need it. It is hard for me to just let it go so I plan on weening myself & finding something that will keep my mind off of it. Not sure if this applies to you, but my community offers plenty of free daily activities such as yoga classes at the library, etc. Look into something like that to do & it should give you a better feeling of accomplishment. Also many communities have AA & NA meetings. It may be helpful to you to find one. You can share your experiences with others & also hear others. Kind of like having a support team & know your not alone. You may also be able to find a sponsor who you can call when you need advice & need someone to be there for you. If you really want to get clean, look for rehab programs that come to you. I was in a situation where someone close was having a mental breakdown while under the influence of cocaine, xanx & roxys. I called a local rehab who will help as long as the person agrees. They came to the house, evaluated the person & into the program he went for free. He just had to agree that he had a problem. It hurts when your family has given up on you but alot of times it is because they have run out of sources & we dont do anything to help ourselves. Just remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Look online for the help you want and need as a start. Call a rehab in your area to find those NA meetings. As far as hanging out with drugies, you must realize they are only bringing you down & could care less even if they tell you otherwise. You must find the strength in yourself to be able to walk away & get a fresh start. You are 17 and have a whole life ahead of you that can be amazing if you choose to let it be. And being only 17, its not too late for you to learn from your mistakes. You can still make things right & move on. Do research on getting help like I said & then go to your family, maybe then they will realize this time your searious & they will want to help as well. Deep down, they do love you and always will & their anger & words right now is their way of venting due to the fact someone they love is on a self destruction path. The unprotected sex issue wasnt smart but dont cause self abortion. That can be potentially life threating to you. Many clinics ( if your pregnant ) have re-sources and options through non-profit organizations that can guide you in the right direction should you be pregnant. Best of luck & remeber YOUR NOT ALONE.. EVER
Re: I know this is long but I need to tell someone. Please read and give any advice.
WOW !!! u have been through alot....i was diagnosised with PTSD years ago myself...i was a battered wife , first marriage, i was beaten so badly that i had to have reconstructive surgery to the whole left side of my face,...my eye was slipping behind my optical orbit...so they had to surgicaly pull my left eye forward among other things....he was high off of drugs...i dont get high so i didnt know how to recognize the signs...he went to jail for attempt murder on me, i was abused alot physically by my mother while growing up...i had so many head surgeries from her that i cant even count them...ive been shot at, and lived through a home invasion , raped and than had other bad things happen to me that i had to deal with but keep finding away to put into my mind that "this to shall pass"...eventually it did ...this is my second marriage to a wonderful man of 12 yrs now...i also have a wonderful son that is healthy and sometimes i think he is wiser than me ..lol... i know what it feels like to want to take pills or alcohol to stay numb...but realize u r better than that...u took out the time to write this email about ur life so as far as i am concerned u r already on the road to winning by reaching out so that someone can help save u from ur self....and save u for urself...u r WORTH LIVING AND WORTHY OF BEING FULLY HAPPY....if u think u r beaten u r...if u think u dare not than u dont...if u like to win but think u cant...its almost a cinch u wont...if u think u will lose you' ve lost...for out in the world we find success begins with a person will....its all a state of mind...lifes battles dont always go to the stronger or the faster person but soon or late the person that wins is the one who thinks she can...keep ur chin up ...so oneday u will look back on ur life and realize u can be a testimony for someone like u....so everyday u get up i want u to go to the mirror and repeat to urself ....That u r a child of GOD and great miracles r on its way...than u say, i cherish myself to much to let anyone or any drug defame me or deface me in any way ...also, repeat that u will honor urself with pride becuz after all u been through ur still standing and u will continue to stand tall...no one can make u feel what u dont want to feel...u cant be hurt by someone ..saddened by someone unless u have given them ur consent...only accept in ur life what u want to have ....take ownership back into ur life and realize u r a child of GOD and as gods child u r empowered to create miracles...may god bless u...i will always be praying for ur well being...if u like this email than plz stay n touch ...i want to hear how god created in u the person u r capable of becoming... love can suppercede all boundaries so dont 4get to give love to urself.... .from bratzsportyone...