As the victim of 15 molesters, I must first correct something you said. You are blaming yourself for undoing your healing and I believe you were never healed...only dealing with it. So stop blaming yourself.
PTSD is all about safety. It is a primitive and very necessary response and we have it. We were the ones who survived the saber toothed tiger and now we have this very refined and never ending safety response that doesn't stop. And like it or not, until we feel safe, we do put out "vibes" that tell others we are vulnerable. I was part of a group of friends as a kid that held together very tightly. No one understood why we were such close friends but as adults, we all found out we were all being abused at home. We instinctually knew the signs and came together to protect each other. We were putting out vibes that we were vunerable as children so I have no doubt we do it as adults too.
So the goal is trying to feel safe so we stop putting out the vibes and then actually be safe. And it turns out that there is a lot we can do that doesn't require any therapy. You feel safe by becoming safe.
Go take a safety/self defense course at a rape/crisis center(they have free counseling too).
Learn karate. The more you know you can deal with any attacker, the safer you'll feel.
Learn yoga to tame the panic attacks. This is highly recommended by one of the leaders in the field of PTSD.
Get some self help books on PTSD. They have some great workbooks out there.
Until you can get that feeling that you can ward off an attacker, carry pepper spray and a whistle and whatever you think will make you feel safer. There is no limit as to what you need. Redundancy is key.
Until you can get a handle on the panic through yoga, learn to meditate. It works really well with panic. Even picking a favorite song and then singing it to yourself quietly when stressed, can stop a panic attack. You can learn accupressure points that when pressed, can help you relax. Lots of little tricks to help you not panic.
Once you have a handle on controlling the behavior that comes with PTSD, then you can deal with the realities. You didn't do this to yourself but you are responsible to fix it as an adult. Sad but the reality. You aren't to blame, they are. You did nothing wrong with any of this...they did. But your panic comes from the sense of being out of control. And that is so hard to accept. Unfortunately, it is what we need to do to move on.
Think of it this way. The people of Japan are used to earthquakes. They are the most prepared nation in the world and they handle the fear of one by doing rehearsals for the earthquakes, and having tsunami walls and drills and all sorts of warning sirens. They teach earthquake preparedness from birth on. Like you learning karate and yoga, they find ways to counter the fear. Then they lose control when a 9.0 occurs.
Now, the people of Japan have to learn to accept that they can not control shifting tectonic plates. All the preparedness in the world can't help in the face of a 9.0+ and overwhelming disaster. So now it shifts to them accepting that fact. And you have to do the same.
You can be as strong and prepared for something bad to happen but the fact is, you can never stop it completely. So you have to accept that you might still lose control and be raped again.
But you know what? You already survived that so you are as strong as they come and if the worst should happen, you'll survive it again. The fact that you have PTSD means that you come from a long line of survivors. You have survivor instincts. So you will make it. But it's that fear that you won't that drives all of us crazy. You must get your self-confidence up....you have survived and are surviving....you ARE amazing.
So work at making yourself strong and then accept that you can't control everything and be proud that you have survived and are a survivor.
You can do this. I did, so I know you can.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to jennybyc For This Useful Post: Nyret (04-15-2011), Phoenix (03-18-2012)
I agree that her post is wonderful. I thought it would be good to post an update even though my previous post is gone. I am doing great!!! Seriously! I do yoga, I make sure I'm eating right, I work full time in a big city and don't get too freaked out. On the 30th I'll have 2 years sober. I think the first step for me was STAYING SOBER, eating good, then a lot of meditation imaging myself as a warrior thousands of years ago, and I carry that vision with me whenever I feel unsafe. I worked out a lot and got really strong, knowing I was physically fit really helped. I had a scary encounter recently, a man tried to pull me off the subway in a bad area, and I pushed him away really hard and screamed "don't touch me!" which got everyone's attention and he ran off. It's interesting to me that this is what I was so scared of happening, but when it did I surprised myself that I had the strength to fend him off. I think that incident made me much more confident. I really appreciate the support I received on this forum, knowing others have survived really helped. Oh, another thing is that I found the local women's center (like the YWCA) and they offered free counseling for survivors without health insurance, I highly recommend talking to someone who is works specifically with survivors. Thanks again!