PTSD and a new relationship
Okay.. I will try to make this a short as possible.
A little bit of history:
My parents divorced when I was 14 because my father was physically abusive towards me and my mom. My dad and I didnt talk again until I was 19. During those years I looked to my dads best friend, as a father figure. He and I had always been close.
Three years ago, My father murdered this friend, by beating him to death. That night my dad drug me into the middle of the crime scene. That night I walked into the house with the understanding that he was unconcious. After performing cpr and calling 911 I left his house.. in a police car.. knowing that my dad had killed him. It was a very traumatic event obviously.. and I was left with the last image of my friend.. his bruised, beaten, and broken body. I will never forget that night as it still affects me today. After two years of going through blackouts and destroying my home, hurting myself, dealing with self mutilation, drug and alcohol abuse, flashbacks, and severe nightmares.. I finally sought help. I was diagnosed with chronic ptsd. I went through intensive therapy and medication treatments. with the help of my doctor, I weaned off of all medications as I didnt feel like myself at all. I found other ways to release my emotions such as writing and drawing.
My husband of 5 years left me for another woman. I have come so far in the past year and havent been having issues with my ptsd for over a year now.
This week, everything is beginning to come back. What I dont understand though, is it isnt related to the murder nec. In the beginning of all of this I knew that my emotions, and anger, was directed towards the murder.
Now, im back on this emotional rollercoaster. Im constantly extrememly happy and then all of the sudden im angry or in tears and usually over absolutely nothing. The past 3 nights in a row I have woken up 10 to 15 through the night terrified and in tears... but absolutely no recollection as to what I was dreaming. Then tonight... I started a huge fight over the phone with my new love.. and over nothing. I was just angry out of nowhere.. and started attacking him. And this isnt the first time that I have done this to him. I dont understand why I do this. I care about him so much and he is such an amazing man. He has been so good to me since the very first day we met. I hate knowing that I hurt him.
Right now, I am kind of feeling like I cant function in a relationship. I mean, I know that I have a fear of loss. My dad deceived me, he beat me, he tore me down, he took a very important man from me. My husband walked out on me and our children. I know, that I am fully terrified that my new love will walk out on me. And now... im even more afraid with my current actions that he will. He is aware that I have been diagnosed with ptsd as well as the situation surrounding it... but right now we dont spend a lot of time together in person.. and I know that he doesnt understand. I mean hell, I dont even fully understand myself as to why im doing this. I am pushing him away though.. and that is the last thing that I want to do. He is the only person that understands me.
I need advice. Is this something that is related to my ptsd? Why am I attacking someone that I care about? And how to I learn how to stop doing it?