PTSD from Childhood Affecting Relationship with my Husband.
There's so much to say on the subject, which is part of the main problem; I'm having an incredibly difficult time communicating my thoughts and feelings with my husband. To put our current situation into perspective: I'm 8.5 months pregnant, we just moved in together slowly over the last couple months (he's in military training), we've only been together for a year, and we've been good friends for about 2 years. So far our relationship has been wonderful, when we do communicate it always feels like a break through. Lately though I've been shutting down and withdrawn. I'm timid, insecure, and I'm reduced to tears by simple triggers.
Growing up as a child I lived in an abusive/unstable home with my mom and her various boyfriends. She was a recovering alcoholic/drug user, and she was always putting herself into destructive, aggressive relationships with current users. These relationships were generally short lived, lasting a few months to a few years, until she met my current step dad. As a child and adolescent I never felt completely safe in my environments because they were always changing and I was constantly under scrutiny. My mom and my step-dad would use religion as a means to bully and berate me. My mom always accused me of lying to her, and intentionally making her sick. Several times she'd scream at me about selfishness, hate, and making her so miserable she wanted to kill herself. No matter what I said or did, I was also in trouble and at fault for something, or I was too stupid and clumsy to handle something. She kicked me out of the house at 16 and sent me to Vegas to live with my father who was a complete stranger. It destroyed my high school career because it was the night before finals, and my dad wouldn't enroll me in school. I spent the next few years acting out on impulses, and re-traumatizing myself over and over until I realized that I would never heal if I continued to exacerbate this pattern.
Sometimes I simply don't know what to say, because I'm overwhelmed. There's a lot going on in our lives that I already feel defeated, and I can't articulate my thoughts. Other times it's just me being locked inside my head (which is how I coped with abuse as a child). For example, we were in the kitchen the other day and he made a passive comment about how I should dispose egg shells, and laughed (not in a mean way) when I told him I was intimidated by handling meats. He said something along the lines of, "How will you ever be able to cook if your scared of touching meat?" It sent me into an anxiety attack. It was humiliating, and he was thoroughly confused. When I was living with my mom, she always belittled me in the kitchen. Dinner time was the worst time. It was always a space and time filled with extreme criticism, verbal abuse, and she was a plate thrower.
I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice on communicating?