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Old 09-08-2012, 09:26 AM   #1
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husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

I've been with my husband for almost 5 years now and I have known him since we were in middle school. His sister suddenly passed away from lupus complications when he was 15. After having many talks with his mom, I've learned that he really didn't have anyone there for him helping him cope with the loss, he was doing all the helping others. Shortly after that his close grandfather passed away as well. His parents were recently divorced, his mom was km another state. He got married and divorced young, joined the army after his divorce, his dad was in a horrible car accident and passed away the day he deployed, his last living relative on his Dad's side just passed away. He is so emotionally detatched, he says he is depressed. He says he don't know how to enjoy life anymore. He says he feels numb and empty. But he doesn't see a problem! He started counseling because his mother and I were telling him he needed someone to talk to because he is depressed. He will not what so ever talk about his sister passing. I'm very worried for him. I don't know what to do. He's been pushing me away since his depression is once again deepening. How do I get him help? I've been there for him, always. He's not the easiest person to get to open up and that has been since his sister passed. He has seen his counselor and a marriage counselor with me (once so far) and both have told him he he depressed, marriage lady said she was very worried about him. I'm just at a loss anymore. Currently we are separated and he he.even more depressed. I don't know what to do. He needs help so bad and I'm not a professional, I have listened but he rarely talks. I feel to be blame right now for his deeper depression. But this separation was to give him time, and myself. Space! the army .. The army, goodness. I wish they would open their eyes and see! He is not himself. Two tours over seas so far, he has no motivation and has even said this to them. Why don't they suggest help! Any advice would be nice thanks in advance. I just want to see my husband smile again and mean it, laugh and joke and enjoy it. I miss him and so does his family. :-(

 
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:58 AM   #2
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Re: husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

Hugs to both of you. Please understand due to the nature of ptsd, we- me anyway- have a habit of pushing people away. It is not that we don't want our partner. I didn't feel I wanted my husband to suffer what I was going though and rejecting him was far easier than talking, confronting my issues, believing he actual did want to help me.
Hugs and reassurance will comfort him, as well as stating the obvious, (that you want to help etc). I found it ridiculously hard to accept the ovious. Good luck

 
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Old 09-13-2012, 02:30 PM   #3
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Re: husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

Bug1010,

I have ptsd, too, from childhood abuse, from the army, and 10 years in domestic violence. The best thing i have done for myself is to get help in a therapy treatment called EMDR. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/?term=emdr

It's long name is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I have been in group and individual therapy for 15+ years, mostly with social workers, (LSCSW), and in the last four years, the EMDR is the best long term process i have ever done. I threw off so much pain from the traumatic events, and processed so much cleansing grief.

I highly recommend anyone who has deep grief and pain, or ptsd, to talk to a social worker, (my preference,) to see.

All the best, NextCalling

Last edited by NextCalling; 09-13-2012 at 02:34 PM. Reason: typo, add link.

 
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:41 AM   #4
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Re: husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

Next Calling,

I am so happy to read your post. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety and have located a local EMDR therapist. I am in group therapy but I am unable to really let go and share the DEEP pain that I live with on a daily basis. My marriage is suffering because I am too uncomfortable to share. The EMDR frankly makes sense.

I was wondering how it works. Do you tackle one trauma or issue at a time or more general? How long of a process is it, since you say you've been doing it for 4 years. Is that 4 continual years?

Any input is welcome. Thanks again for your post.

 
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:15 PM   #5
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Re: husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

I don't know where to start in talking about getting therapy for trauma. I have been going to group and individual counseling for trauma. The EMDR is a treatment that happens inside of regular longterm therapy, as I have been doing anyway. The benefit of a longterm relationship with a trusted therapist was a strong part of my feeling safe enough to admit pain, shame, and anger I have held for years.
I feel for you, feeling afraid to talk yet feeling distant from your husband, and within the group. I know I felt very distrusting of my spouse. I remember feeling that no one could understand how I felt. I have a partner now who, having not experienced the similar level of constant abuse, I thought sh could never understand. I have had a hard time sharing 'those' details, yet as I spent more time in therapy and especially doing the EMDR, I have learned to slowly share. I feel very close to her now. I highly recommend the EMDR, I wish I could explain how it works; I liken it stirring dark dollops of chocolate cake batter into a bowl of vanilla cake mix. I understand, from my therapist, that during the talking about a past experience ..continue...

 
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:31 PM   #6
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Re: husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

Quote:
Originally Posted by NextCalling View Post
I don't know where to start in talking about getting therapy for trauma. I have been going to group and individual counseling for trauma. The EMDR is a treatment that happens inside of regular longterm therapy, as I have been doing anyway. The benefit of a longterm relationship with a trusted therapist was a strong part of my feeling safe enough to admit pain, shame, and anger I have held for years.
I feel for you, feeling afraid to talk yet feeling distant from your husband, and within the group. I know I felt very distrusting of my spouse. I remember feeling that no one could understand how I felt. I have a partner now who, having not experienced the similar level of constant abuse, I thought sh could never understand. I have had a hard time sharing 'those' details, yet as I spent more time in therapy and especially doing the EMDR, I have learned to slowly share. I feel very close to her now. I highly recommend the EMDR, I wish I could explain how it works; I liken it stirring dark dollops of chocolate cake batter into a bowl of vanilla cake mix. I understand, from my therapist, that during the talking about a past experience ..continue...
the past emotions are looked at through your current perspective, while bilateral stimulation is going on with either eye movement, or audio/tactile alternating vibrations. I suggest talking about it with your therapist.

The VA also may have resources for this treatment.

 
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Old 09-28-2012, 07:32 AM   #7
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Re: husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

Next calling,

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, you sound a lot like me concerning the emotions, the distrust, perhaps even the "shame" of it all. I really appreciate you sharing.

I met with a therapist on Wed. Much to my surprise, we connected instantly. During the history taking process I was shocked to find myself having flashbacks, saying things that indicated I was still experiencing the traumas in a "present tense" form, and even had a panic attack in the therapy room. That indicated to me that I really felt safe with the therapist.

I have some "pre-treatment assignments" to do until our next appt, when we will tackle the first target...the one that kind of unleashed ALL of the mess. She feels it is important to get that one settled and then we can address earlier and later traumas.

It was nice to have things validated, and to have some hope offered. She said it would be a long process due to the severity of my situation. What choice do I have, though? Living like I am now is not really living.

Thanks again!

 
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:26 AM   #8
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Re: husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brocallie View Post
Next calling,

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, you sound a lot like me concerning the emotions, the distrust, perhaps even the "shame" of it all. I really appreciate you sharing.

I met with a therapist on Wed. Much to my surprise, we connected instantly. During the history taking process I was shocked to find myself having flashbacks, saying things that indicated I was still experiencing the traumas in a "present tense" form, and even had a panic attack in the therapy room. That indicated to me that I really felt safe with the therapist.

I have some "pre-treatment assignments" to do until our next appt, when we will tackle the first target...the one that kind of unleashed ALL of the mess. She feels it is important to get that one settled and then we can address earlier and later traumas.

It was nice to have things validated, and to have some hope offered. She said it would be a long process due to the severity of my situation. What choice do I have, though? Living like I am now is not really living.

Thanks again!
Brocallie,
That is wonderful!!! That connection to your therapist will be wonderful as you go forward. I do recognize the words, assignment and tackle the first target!
I remember having to do assignments to feel safe letting the emotions come out, and learning how to know when I wanted to put them away for the day, "in a containing box" so that I could go about the rest of my day.
I am so excited for you!
About the "what choice do I have" - this is the choice, to accept that life will be as it has been ,or to imagine and bravely work hard on you and your only life.

I know and tell myself, when 'the work' to regain my happy spirit gets hard and I think that it's too hard, that I am fighting for my life - you were born to have a good life - what else do I have to lose?

 
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:41 AM   #9
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Re: husband possible ptsd since he was 15?

Good work, I wish you the best! And know that you are brave!
I am told that many people are not brave enough to face this. It is so worth it.

 
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